In Her Little Face

I’m pretty sure any mother would agree her favorite thing is to stare at her newborns face. I am no exception to this, but I find myself staring at her face for so many different reasons. It’s crazy how much she has changed in a weeks time. I will never have the way she looked those first few days in the hospital back. She is changed forever and I will only have that little look through pictures I have taken or the memories I have stored. I’m very lucky to have experienced those looks and moments at all.

I joked with my friends that I got myself pregnant because she only looked like me. The first few days of her life I would stare at her searching for her fathers face. I couldn’t find it. I felt relieved. Throughout the pregnancy I feared his face in her. I feared she would enter this world and every inch of her face would be a reminder of him. I feared the pain this would bring me everyday. I was surprised when I didn’t find his face in hers– not right away anyway. About 4 days in I started finding reminders of him in her. She was changing and growing. Her feet and toes filled out and they no longer resembled mine and each day her profile grew more to look like him. From the front she looks only like me and from the side she looks more like him now (it’s crazy how that works). But luckily it doesn’t hurt and I don’t feel that pain I feared. I still hurt when I think of him and I will never respect him again, but luckily, I don’t feel pain or resentment when I see his face in my daughter. I only see her beauty. I have found I don’t care who she looks like (honestly I would love if she got his eyebrows) and really, all I care about is her. The important thing is who she is, who she becomes, and how much love she gets from me. The absolute most important thing is that she is my daughter– I have been there from day one and I will always find beauty in her regardless if her toes fill out like his or not. I’m happy to only feel love and not pain when I see her little face.