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It is now 7 in the morning. My body is aching from head to toe and my nipples feel like they are being stabbed by a thousand knives. My arms hurt. Yesterday was one of those days where she did not want to be put down unless she was sleeping (and even then she would rather be sleeping in my arms). It was a cereal for dinner kind of night. It was a go to sleep covered in the sour smell of baby spit up kind of night. It was a night where I would have loved someone to help me out– and not with tasks or daily chores, just someone to make me feel better.
I wanted to write about my boobs and breastfeeding months ago, but time passed and I didn’t. Eventually enough time passed and breastfeeding got easier. But before it got easier, I cried–a  lot. I would bite down on my tongue every meal she had. I hated it. I was feeding her about 14 hours a day. 14 hours of gut wrenching nipple sucking pain. Miserable does not even begin to describe the way I felt while breasfeeding. My breasts never got a break and my nipples were in a constant unpleasant state. I had endless tears pouring down my face. I tried hot pads, cool pads, nipple guards, and I even gave in and tried lanolin. Nothing work. Luckily, everyone was right: It did get easier. It took some time, but it did get easier. Yes, I’m happy I stuck with it. I’m happy I went through all the pain just so that she would never have formula. Why its easier for some mothers and babies: I don’t know, but, for me it sucked. But I did it and it was worth it.
As I type Marlowe is gripping and digging her little fingernails in the side of my arm. She not in pain, she is actually going to fall back asleep any minute. Is she early teething or going through a growth spurt? I don’t know. It could be both. What I do know is: I am not looking forward to today. If it is anything like yesterday its going to hurt.
When I think of my breasts I think of Picasso. I used to love my breasts. Maybe that is vain? I don’t care. In my opinion, they were one of my best features. Almost two years ago I had surgery on my left breast to have a large mass removed. I had a fibroadenoma the size of a golf ball in there. When it came out I was left with a scar much larger and much more centered than what my doctor had promised. Whatever, my boobs were still nice. And I was able to tell myself I looked tough with another scar. The one breast became smaller, (this tends to be the case with most women anyway), but not enough where I would really care. But once I got pregnant it seemed that only one really grew….. (well, they both definitely did, but one grew so much more… ) it really stole the show. Maybe no one notices, maybe they do, I mean, people certainly will take notice now. I can tell you, it really is a large insecurity. I’ve already told my family (half joking) that I would like a breast reduction of the large breast once I discontinue breastfeeding. Why not get one larger? I hate large breasts, well, more specifically, I hate large breasts on me. This is when I start to think of Picasso. As one breast is larger and hangs slightly lower it begins casting a larger shadow on my body. Even my nipples are off. As my breasts grew my nipples grew to match the breast size– they also work with breasts to create an asymmetrical masterpiece. I’m okay with my post baby body. I had a ridiculously healthy pregnancy– I never gained unnecessary weight and I never had to work to lose the weight afterwards. Yeah, my stomach is still squishy and I still have a line down the center, but my belly button is starting to look normal again, and for the most part everything seems to be back in place. I know my boobs will never be what they once were… and honestly I’m more than okay with that. I really would just like them to be more symmetrical again. Sure, its an issue of vanity, but I would really like evenly sized breasts.  

7 Comments

  1. i used to do the marathon feeds too, one day in the first two weeks i fed him on and off for 7 hours, when i say on and off, i mean i would got a few 5-10 minute breaks, and a couple of 20 minute breaks in a 7 hour period, i called my mid wife and she said it was normal. that is one thing i would like to have been warned about

  2. Stick with it, you are doing such a wonderful thing for your baby and she is sooooo sooo lucky! So many people just give up when it gets hard and you haven't. It will get easier! I have a 3 month old and 2 weeks ago was the first time I didn't cry or cringe when I fed her. I had the worst time with thrush. Breastfeeding was a total nightmare but I stuck with it just like you and I know its worth it cause now I'm finally able to enjoy it and relax but it took forever! I was so sick of people telling me how easy it was cause it made me feel like a failure but you know what, its hard hard work and you're a champ!!!
    I love your blog!

    http://soipeedonastick.blogspot.com/

  3. I could have written some of this post myself – ESP about the breats being one of my best features and now…well. It just isn't so anymore. They are etched in stretchmRks and now one nipple is quite larger than the other. I wish I would've appreciated my pre-preg body, boobs and everything else, much more than I did.

  4. Hang in there mama. I'm proud of you for sticking it out through the tough times of breastfeeding. I think we all have them, it's such a huge learning curve. And I couldn't agree more on the post baby body. My boobs are really just unsightly these days. Ive blogged about them before too and that whenever they aren't full, their pretty much just sagging skin pooling in my bra. Lovely.

  5. ugh, unfortunately i can relate to the breast insecurity. i don't have a kid, but i had a fibroadenoma removed the size of a large lemon and let's just say it messed things up. here's hoping we make peace with this soon!

  6. Breastfeeding is a bitch. I feel for you Drea. Like Lily said, it did get better with time. For me it hurt less when Gavin latched on really well (he usually refused to open his mouth wide enough to get a good latch) and when I had him in the football hold. As far the tata's go, they should go down with time. I stopped breastfeeding a few weeks ago and they have already gone down a lot, still big, but I started with big. Good luck. I hope things get easier soon.

  7. Drea, oh boy…you brought me back! breasfeeding started to kill me 5 days into it. at first i thought, what's everyone talking about? breastfeeding doesn't hurt. and then…BAM! it killed. my toes used to curl and tears used to roll down my face every time Lily would latch. eventually it went away.
    whatever Marlowe is going through right now, it will pass. it's most likely a growth spurt or it could be her teeth starting to cut through the bone long before they start cutting through the gum.
    and breasts…i agree with you. i hate large breasts also. they will get closer to what they were before. Lily stopped breastfeeding 2 months ago and my breasts are now the closest to what they used to be.
    that line went away 6 months after i gave birth. as far as the squishy stomach, it's still there a little but that's because my lazy ass will not exercise.
    hang in there!!