That being said, let me say this before I get into the core of this letter: Eric knows everything, none of this will come as a surprise to him. Eric and I have broken up. He is still very much a part of my (and Marlowe’s) daily life. He no longer spends the night and I no longer see him on the day to day, but he is still my friend and he is still the most amazing man to me and my daughter that I have ever met. I stand behind everything I’ve ever said about him. He has been perfect to me and has been the most important man (besides the men in my family) in Marlowe’s life, even before she was born. He understood coming into this relationship that it would be complicated. He understood that in life, it is hard enough to get over and ex and feelings often times linger, he understood that this would be even more difficult with an ex I share a child with. He’s not stupid. He is a grown man– a respectable and mature man. I don’t know what the future holds for Eric and I, neither does he, but we agree that maybe down the line, when the timing is better and my problems are resolved something can work out. I need to work out everything in my life first, before him and I can move forward. I love him and I care for him and I cherish the fact that he still respects me after everything. I wish it could be different, I wish I could give him more of what he deserves, I want it, Marlowe needs it, but I can’t— not now.
There are a million open letters I want to write to and about Marlowe’s father. There are a million things I would like to call him out on or make aware for people to know some of the truth, but I don’t and I wont, because most of everything has already taken place and it is in the past. It will not come out to open ground it will stay buried. Marlowe’s father has come in and out of my life many times. He left me many times at the most inconvenient moments long before Marlowe came into existence. In his defense, I did the same to him. Never knowing if someone is going to have a change of heart the following week will create a lot of insecurity and distrust. I feared getting hurt, I feared being lied to, I feared the lack of commitment and stability… and I too, ran. The holiday season before I got pregnant I gave up and I gave in and decided to put all fear aside, and stop running. I wouldn’t be afraid anymore. I would trust that he loved me, I would trust that I love him and I would see where it would take me. This went well, until I found out I was pregnant. Seeing the positive sign on the pregnancy test was shocking and overwhelming…I knew I could be a good mother, but more than anything that original fear returned, all I could think was: “he is going to leave me again.” &Just like I feared he would, he did. He left.
While being pregnant, he came back into my life three times. Three times he came back with I love you’s. I find a comfort in you. Let’s make this work. And after each return, he would leave me shortly after. Sometimes it would be days, sometimes not. He took the train from Miami to visit me. He told no one, he didn’t want his family to know he still had intentions to be with me (imagine that?). He wanted to see me. He missed me. He found comfort with me. He wanted to see if we could make it work (who knows what he was telling other’s while speaking these words to me). He stays the night. He tells me he is going to look for work in Florida. Days later he moves back in with his mother just 30 minutes north of me (not for me, but in general). Days later a phone call happens, I call him &he tells me how happy he is with me, he tells me he loves me. He say’s he has to go, his mother is yelling. Four hours later, he leaves me again. Three time’s he came back in my life when I was pregnant. Three times he left me. I begged him to stop. I begged him to stay or leave. I was angry at the stress he was putting my heart and body through while I was trying to do and be my best, for my baby. I begged him each time that if he cared at all it would stop, and he would understand I had to stay healthy and happy. That would be the last time during my pregnancy that he would leave me. I blocked his calls and I painfully moved forward.
If I don’t want to bring up past events and previous wrong doings, then why am I bringing all this up? Because it’s happening now and it has to stop. It started a little over a month ago (almost a year later), the same I miss you’s, I’ve been thinking about you, I just want to talk to you. A month ago when he came to visit he told me he could see himself doing it everyday— being a family– with me and Marlowe. The first night he was here: he kissed me and I kissed him back. It stopped there, but it had already gone too far… I betrayed Eric. Marlowe’s father left. What could I do next? I broke up with Eric. Not for Marlowe’s father, but because, Eric deserved more. My heart was confused and even knowing: I wouldn’t be with Marlowe’s father, I knew I couldn’t be with Eric either.
Marlowe’s father and I spoke a lot since then— maybe everyday. Everyday he would call or text. He would email me songs describing how he felt. He would continue to tell me he missed me and was trying to make me happy and trying to prove himself to me. He would admit in an email that he still loves me. He asked me what I want. I tell him: “More than anything, I want a happy and secure family to raise my daughter, with someone I love.” Again I told him, he would have to step up or back down. I deserve more than an insecure grey area. If he loves me, fine. If he misses me, fine. If he still thinks about all the ‘what ifs’, then fine, but if he wasn’t going to be able to commit then he would have to step back from me (not Marlowe) and keep his feelings for me separate. He didn’t step back, but he wouldn’t commit either. Despite my requests, he still talked about the possibility of a future family together. This past friday when he arrived to Florida, four days ago, he tells me: “What I want is a great weekend with MY girls and hopefully if you ever allow it, a happy family to raise our beautiful daughter.” He tells me: “Let’s do this”, he wants us to try, “We might have to make it long distance for a little before you move up here”. I tell him “I’m not a fool”.
The weekend together, I bring up nothing of this conversation, because I am smarter now, and I know in a few short days everything he said wont matter. He doesn’t bring it up either. Why? Because, just like every other time, it doesn’t matter.
Mediation happened. I cried. Yes, because I am going to miss my child. Yes, because I don’t want to give her formula. But more than anything because: I’m tired of the possibility of one family for Marlowe being dangled in front of my face and quickly pulled away.
This is my letter to you, Alex, Marlowe’s father. This is not a threat. I have nothing to threaten you with, but I am telling you: It needs to stop. Your back and forth, your insecurities, your uncertainty with me: IT NEEDS TO STOP. I am no longer your girlfriend that you can push away and pull close as you please. I am no longer your pregnant ex partner that you can test the waters with when you feel brave, and again, leave as you please with little regard to how it could affect my health and the growing baby inside my body. I am now a mother. I am raising a child– OUR CHILD to very best of my abilities, and I am doing a damn good job of it WITHOUT YOU. Do not tell me stories of her ‘mommy and daddy’ being together if you wont make them happen. I understand you’re scared, you’ve always been scared, but saying you want to make it work and changing your mind the next day will not be tolerated. This is no longer just my life, this is now: my life with my child, and I refuse– REFUSE, to let your insecurities come in the way of our stability, our happiness, and our home. I do believe you love your daughter. I also believe you love me. But if you really care for me– and especially for her, you will make a mature decision in stopping with the empty promises of a family for the three of us. If your feelings still linger: fine, mine do too. If you still ask yourself all the ‘what ifs’: fine, I have questioned some of them too, but keep those thoughts to yourself. I cried when I realized I was having a daughter. I was scared of you and the effect your insecurities would have on her. I don’t cry anymore. I rejoice in the fact that she will see how strong I have been and how much I’ve done and given up to raise her everyday without you. I will not let you create hopes and dreams of one united family for her and take them away. I will not let your empty promises affect her, like the once affected me. The truth is, as stupid as it may be, I still care about you. But from here on out, I will not let you get in the way, I will keep you separate. You will always be her father, but if you can’t give us the one family you keep telling me you want with me, then stop lying. Because, I have always and will always deserve the truth. Publicly, here and now: for me and for her, I’m telling you: your instability stops now.
This is a promise, a promise to fight, to try, to desire, to never quit for you. I love you and will always love you. This has been an amazing first year. Happy anniversary babe, with many more to come.