This blog has been seeming very impersonal lately, mostly because life has been quiet, but also, because the few bits of noise that have occurred recently are not my own issues and are things that are better left not talked about. I’ve revisited my “open letter” post a million times in my head…. over and over writing a follow-up that never makes it to paper (or internet). One day those thoughts will come together into writing, for now they stay scrambled with everything else.
Life has been good. Alex and I have been sailing smoothly along, contently working on our family. With Alex working on opening a new restaurant, our time together has been slim to none the past few weeks. It seems like Marlowe and I are left to our own, just like before, content with the daily grind that life brings in our many hours alone, but also, being able to love the extra time that is filled with impromptu dancing and play. Alex and I have been trying to use our few minutes together to really make each moment last, while helping each other out as much as possible. Each one of us is giving as much as we can for the other without having to wear too thin or give too much. Our goal is long term: a happy relationship and family, now and later.
My own goal in this relationship is to always look forward and not to look back. I don’t usually dwell on the past painful events— I know it would only stand in the way of my happiness and prevent us from accomplishing our goal. Going into this I feared I would let negative thoughts linger… but to my proud surprise, I am able to separate the past and the now. Only recently has the past started to creep in. The past feelings of pain and robbery occasionally swirl in and out of my daily thoughts. What has been so incredibly simple for us to move past has entered our home again this week.
Through his attempt to move forward in his own life, many painful realizations have come to Alex. Words I never thought I would hear have now been said… Words I have always known, words I have written in personal journals, (long before Marlowe’s birth) and then ripped apart and thrown away, to never wonder about again. Alex, no longer in denial, can now see what has been so clear to many people around him. He has now been able to admit to me and to others: yes, had he been left to his own accord, without any outside influence, this past year (the first year of Marlowe’s life) and my pregnancy would have been a very different situation. This is a thought we’ve each (separately) suppressed. For him, for the first time living life for himself: it is a new pain. For me, it’s a pain I have tried to move past since the day he left.
As I sit here with my fast moving thoughts, I am realizing that this very much goes hand in hand with my open letter. Facing reality, moving past the insecurities, standing up to other’s negative influences, and staying true to his own feelings, thoughts, and wants… these are all things Alex is doing. There is no more back and forth. There is no more grey area. He has been very direct with his feelings and his intentions, with me and with my family. He is ready to face the insecurities in his life in order to move forward and have what he has always wanted, what we both have felt (and feel) robbed of. I stood my ground and we are doing this together. Through our joint efforts, couples therapy, and a common goal, we are working on living the life we want to live. We’re working through any pain, staying strong, and staying happy. Now, any little bump is just a reminder of all we’ve been through and fought through: together and separately.
I am happy to finally be able to say I respect Alex for everything he has become and is fighting to be. I am happy with this family we are making. I am happy with myself, my daughter, and all the positives that surround us. I know the past cannot be changed and life will never be 100% perfect, and thats okay. Just so long as there is truth in my home and a smile on my daughter’s face, then this hectic quiet is okay.
***I planned on posting this last night, but after my mini disaster of a day it seemed almost hypocritical. My poor sweet Marlowe had a reaction to something she ate (most likely the taste of peanut butter I gave her) and even though she was smiling, acting normal, and showing no signs of an allergy or rash, her bowels proved otherwise. Yesterday was a mess, a big disgusting shitty mess… and yes, I mean this in the literal way too. I felt miserable and helpless with a tired, snuggled baby in my arms. But late at night, even after the very difficult day, everything was okay once again, with Marlowe peacefully asleep (naked) in her playpen and Alex and I still being able to reconnect and plan one of our many steps forward… over M’s (no longer needed) peanut butter crackers and a drink. It’s nice (and needed) to have those few moments to recharge, especially when in love and feeling loved.
&Marlowe seems to be doing a bit better now. Asleep on my bed, recharging.