(an arrow trail leading to an i love you)
-> -> -> -> ->
There are so many days where I feel like I am just pacing in circles. Following tiny footprints and my own footprints around and around and around. Tracing every step. Picking up this. Working on that. Moving this. Cleaning this. Adjusting this. Straighteing that. It never ever stops. A circular obstacle course with no end. 
When having small conversation with Eric the other day, he mentioned he’s been enjoying life by eating good food, drinking good beer, and going out with friends a lot. My response to this statement (in my head) was “yeah, life is easy without a baby and a family to take care of”. I doubt his statement was meant as a passive aggressive jab at the fact that I am unable to partake in these things (Eric is not one to typically do that), but my mind still went there. Plain and simple: life is easier without a baby. There are those moments that I wish for that life again… with more time, more freedom, and less responsibility, because now… in hindsight: those days were sometimes, taken for granted. 
I wouldn’t trade my life or my child for anything in the world, I don’t care how hard I have to work, how tiring it is, how little I sleep or accomplish, how much I crave a moment of peace: I wouldn’t trade it. I imagine raising children is easier and more enjoyable with a live in partner to share the load and the responsibility. While Alex does stay here, he doesn’t live here, he lives at work… I know (or am hoping) those days where we will share the work will come sooner rather than later. For now and until then, I’m doing what I can to enjoy every single over tiring day I have. I enjoy being a mother and I’ll do my best to enjoy never ending circles, because I never want to look back and think: “that really wasn’t that hard, I should have enjoyed it more.” 
I hope you are all enjoying every second of this weekend! See you Monday! 


  1. UMMM…you totally just told my story! lol exactly the same thoughts and feelings. CRAZY!

  2. it's hard with a live in partner as well. i too miss the free days sometimes but, like you, i wouldn't trade my Lily for anything.

  3. motherhood is the most difficult natural thing that has even happened to me. love that you understand this as well

  4. It's hard. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have my husband to help. I think about it all the time.

    It's also crazy because as hard as it is, I wouldn't change it for anything, but there are many days where I wish I could have a few minutes for myself.

  5. I know this is EXACT feeling. I seem to be feeling it a lot lately too. And I think knowing that I feel this way is making me more unhappy. There is a lot about my old life I miss, but I would never trade my life with Roweyn for anything. My life with her is great, it's the other things I have trouble with….having no partner at all to help or share moments with, having no social life (I haven't been out (socially) without Rowe in almost a year and I can't remember the last time I actually met a guy or had a conversation with one that isn't related to me), work not progressing the way I hoped it would which means not a lot of money coming in and being stuck in the same place and not being able to move forward in a big way in our lives…I'm trying to figure out what I need to do to change all of that but it hasn't quite come to me yet so for now I just keep enjoying every fast minute I have with my beautiful daughter.

  6. agreed, we all have those moments. the thing is, I feel like *they're* missing out and don't even realize it. 🙂

  7. First time posting but I've been following your (awesome) blog for ages.

    This is exactly the post I needed to read. I'm 4 weeks away from having my first baby and the freak outs about losing my old life have kicked in!

  8. Thankyou for the reminder to enjoy the next 5 months childfree. Well – to be more accurate – to enjoy having a child that is completely portable who can and must go anywhere and everywhere I want. I will enjoy this time before life becomes more restricted, rather than wishing away this time so i can meet my baby.

  9. I don't think your human if you don't have those thoughts every once in a while. It doesn't make you a bad mum, it's just fact. Life is easier without a child. Not necessarily better though.

  10. You reminded me to be thankful for what I have. Right now, in THIS moment.

    Your blog redesign looks fantastic! Hugs to you!