It’s been a long week over here in the land of ohdeardrea. The bags are growing under our eyes. I see Alex so tired each day. I feel like I know better, I tell him: “you get used to it”– this is partially true. The lack of sleep is a constant in this life that you get over, but in reality, I don’t know better, I’m still drained and my words are more like a false pep-talk. Each day seems longer than the day before. Six forty, Marlowe rises. She maybe naps around four in the afternoon. And returns to sleep around eleven at night. Alex leaves for work between nine thirty and ten thirty in the morning, and returns after eleven each evening– five to six days a week. More than tired, I’m emotionally exhausted. I’ve started the weaning process for Marlowe and that has left me with a very unpleasant and angry child. At almost fourteen months I’m trying to get her down to under five to six feedings a day (she prefers 12 to 15. I’m not exaggerating). The time in between feedings are almost always left with a screaming, kicking, scratching child. Yesterday Alex and I were given five baby free hours to ourselves. We left Marlowe out west with my step mom left with no idea what to do next. There’s not much out there other than shopping centers filled with Targets, Walmarts, chain restaurants, and fast food. We headed east to look at future possible houses. Our offer didn’t go through on the other house and this has disappointed me more than I’d like to admit. We have three main needs/wants for a future home: an open space, a yard, and a nice neighborhood (not development), where walks with destinations are possible. This seems near impossible in our price range. I feel the urge to pick up and leave the town again. It wont happen, but the urge is there.
We then headed to the beach. The sun was setting and the air was cool. We lightheartedly discussed the idea of a beach condo. How nice it would be to wake up to the fresh ocean air each day again. A lovely thought, but not for us. We need more space and freedom than a condo. On our walk, the jellies were everywhere, big and small, hiding, clear in the sand. I made sure to point out each and every one of the hundreds I saw. Stinging toes don’t make for a pleasant evening, not at all. We then headed for dinner and took our time. I ate olives, something different for me. I’ve always despised them, but I always insist I try them when placed in front of me. I knew someday I could love them and I’m glad I stuck with it, because the warm olive oil soaked olives were delicious.
There was a couple next to us, with a chubby baby, every part of him was plump and round. I wondered if the two people were in fact together, or maybe related. Something just seemed so off. I knew the man was the father, but the woman seemed so different, disconnected, and neurotic. Every once in a while the baby would let out a sweet and soft little newborn cry and the woman would lose it. She revealed she was the mother of the child. She looked right at us and said, “This is not fun. This was his idea and it is not fun”. (I’ve said this to myself and out loud many times before.) I replied “Yes, I know, I have a little one at home, it can be hard at times”. I reflected back on my thoughts from last month and my thoughts from months ago. The soft little newborn cries weren’t as loud as I thought they were at the time. I managed fine, and I stressed (probably) less than most, but now I know, the cries were most loud in my ears. The father packed up the baby and headed to the car. The woman packed up her belongings and said to me “I almost forgot my dog! How awful!” I said, “Yeah that can happen, she’s been so quiet”. The woman replied: “I know she is so good. She is absolutely the best part of my life.” I said nothing. We finished our meal and arrived early to pick up Marlowe.
My step-mother, Fidelina, made a comment to me “You must not tell her ‘no’ very often. She is so dramatic with her expressions every time I tell her no and she always checks to make sure someone is watching her” I laughed. I tell her “no” more often than I would like. No Marlowe, no hitting Mommy. No pinching. No, be nice to Jerry. No, leave that there. No, mommy can’t feed you right now. No. No. No. And every time she throws the same dramatic fit. She wails and kicks. Or drops her mouth open, flickers her eyes like she is suffering beyond belief and doesn’t understand my answer. This little girl is an actress to the fullest extent, and I’m relieved to see I’m not overreacting, these things can be seen by others too.
I just need a few moments to get myself together. I need to regroup. My breasts need a break. And my soul needs to feel the love around me. Life is good, I just need to find a moment to let the emotional good flow in and the stress to flow out. I joined a gym this week, it should help.
… but more on that later.
Make sure to have a wonderful day! 😉