There isn’t a lot of things I need or want in this life. I live simply and I live comfortably. Sure, I would enjoy a home in a nicer-safer area or a more practical car, but I don’t need those things to be happy. Money doesn’t impress me and most things money can buy won’t impress me. My happiness is here, in my home, knowing that my daughter (and myself) is clean, well-fed, healthy, growing, learning, and always incredibly happy. As long those things are in order, I am happy. The material things don’t and won’t matter when I know I am providing the most important basic needs, feelings, and nurturing for my daughter. So when I have Marlowe, sick and upset, struggling for sleep on top of my chest, and I find myself craving more arms or one more body to lend a hand, and raise her in the tough times, I cry.
As I sit here crying, I am so grateful. I am lucky to have what I have. I am lucky to be able to give what I give. I know I am good mother, it’s just sometimes, I wish there was more of me: for her. At this current moment, I am giving her everything I can give her. I am forlorn and I am sorry that I cannot be more than one person, but everyday, I will strive to be everything, within my ability, to give her more.
Currently, Marlowe is sleeping, but stirring, and likely to awaken soon. I asked Alex to come by this morning, he did. He brought the few items I asked for and replaced my body, with his, so I could take care of the house and myself. He left, leaving both of us asleep. Marlowe has been in an out of sleep all morning. We’re not sure exactly what is wrong. It doesn’t seem to be overly serious, but either way, I am hoping (really hoping) everything is just a symptom of the three (plus) canines and molars pushing through her gums. Her fever is steady, but so is her discomfort. Hopefully tomorrow, we will have a visit with a doctor. In the meantime, in her waking hours, I’ll be trying to fill her body with fluids (in small doses, of course) and trying to keep her temperature down. In her time asleep, I will be collecting myself and making sure everything around her is in place, as it should be.
I’ll be back soon.