We woke up at four am today. Marlowe crying, warm to the touch, and drenched in sweat. I removed her blanket and handed her a bottle, a mixture of almond milk and water, and I went back to bed. Thirty minutes later, she was crying again. Still hot, still drenched in sweat, bottle: untouched. I picked her up, removed her pants, changed her very heavy diaper, and brought her in my room. I lay her curved, against my belly, and handed her the bottle again. She drank it, rolled over, rolled over again, and began throwing up. I feared choking and quickly picked her up to turn her on her side. She was crying and we were both wet. I held her as she cried. I wanted to cry. I took off our clothes, grabbed a small blanket and sat on the couch with her hot, tired body on mine. I called her father. I asked for his opinion. I asked for advice. I became frustrated. I hung up. I calmed myself, and called him back. He told me to let him know if we needed anything. I told him I would let her try to sleep and I would let him know if anything happened. We hung up, but kept in touch. I laid there for hours with Marlowe asleep, on top of me. She woke up every so often to let out a cry and slowly drift back into hot sleep. I cried. I want to cry now. I’ve grown to be so incredibly happy in my life, but in moments like these, I just want to cry. I laid there quietly sobbing with her on top of me. I wanted to get her a cool rag, a fever reducer, I wanted to take her temperature, and do anything to help her feel better. I needed to use the restroom, I needed a glass of water, and I needed a shower to clean her sick mess off my chest. I thought about the commitments I would have to break in the morning. I wanted to crawl into my bed, but knew I couldn’t as the watery-milk was seeping into my mattress, into my pillows, hardening every linen I own. And I cried. Only one person, with two arms. 

There isn’t a lot of things I need or want in this life. I live simply and I live comfortably. Sure, I would enjoy a home in a nicer-safer area or a more practical car, but I don’t need those things to be happy. Money doesn’t impress me and most things money can buy won’t impress me. My happiness is here, in my home, knowing that my daughter (and myself) is clean, well-fed, healthy, growing, learning, and always incredibly happy. As long those things are in order, I am happy. The material things don’t and won’t matter when I know I am providing the most important basic needs, feelings, and nurturing for my daughter. So when I have Marlowe, sick and upset, struggling for sleep on top of my chest, and I find myself craving more arms or one more body to lend a hand, and raise her in the tough times, I cry.

As I sit here crying, I am so grateful. I am lucky to have what I have. I am lucky to be able to give what I  give. I know I am good mother, it’s just sometimes, I wish there was more of me: for her. At this current moment, I am giving her everything I can give her. I am forlorn and I am sorry that I cannot be more than one person, but everyday, I will strive to be everything, within my ability, to give her more.

Currently, Marlowe is sleeping, but stirring, and likely to awaken soon. I asked Alex to come by this morning, he did. He brought the few items I asked for and replaced my body, with his, so I could take care of the house and myself. He left, leaving both of us asleep. Marlowe has been in an out of sleep all morning. We’re not sure exactly what is wrong. It doesn’t seem to be overly serious, but either way, I am hoping (really hoping) everything is just a symptom of the three (plus) canines and molars pushing through her gums. Her fever is steady, but so is her discomfort. Hopefully tomorrow, we will have a visit with a doctor. In the meantime, in her waking hours, I’ll be trying to fill her body with fluids (in small doses, of course) and trying to keep her temperature down. In her time asleep, I will be collecting myself and making sure everything around her is in place, as it should be.

I’ll be back soon. 

34 Comments

  1. Oh, the poor poor baby girl! I hope all is well now. My son recently went through a bout of being sick/throwing up daily for about a week. He was clear of any sort of infection, but I believe it was his molars coming in that made him ill.

  2. As a dear friend told me today…sometimes, life just sucks. We can't control everything that we or our children experience. We can do our best to deal with it…and fortunately, "this too shall pass."

  3. "Only one person, with two arms."

    My heart broke for you reading this. I feel your pain so much. Much love to both of you, Drea.

  4. This was strange to read this morning…because we just went through this (well still going through this). My daughter (9 months) caught the stomach bug and boy has it been rough. As a single mamma…I feel ya! But after the tough times pass, I feel like a stronger person and I feel closer to my daughter…that together we can conquer the WORLD!! 🙂 I hope Marlowe feels better…and don't worry it will pass and all will be well. For you too are conquerors!

  5. aw, sorry to hear M is not feeling well. it's the worst when little ones are sick like that and you just feel so hopeless and that you can't do enough. if it makes you feel any better, even if you had more arms, you would probably feel the same way. cause they are so little and there is never enough that you can do.
    hugs and well wishes

  6. I know how scary that is- when they are sick and just waiting and waiting to see if it is going to get worse or get better.
    YOU ARE AWESOME!!!!You are so strong but I know those moments without that partner there can make you feel so sad, lonely and disappointed.
    Hope you guys are doing better! Lot of love to you from South Carolina.

  7. you always seem like supermom to me… I have so much respect for mama's doing it on their own, because man it's hard work even when you have a partner helping. you're doing awesome. I hope Marlowe feels better soon.

  8. I can't say I know how you feel, but I sympathize with you. My husband works out of two or more weeks out of the month. It's really really challenging. I wish for more bodies and arms when I am alone. The past month Stella has been super sick with first and ear infection then a very wet chest cough.

    What you are doing is not easy but you are doing an amazing job. Marlowe will be so proud of you one day. Every smile, every just because hug/kiss will be a direct reflection of what an amazing mother you have been and continue to be.

    I'm hoping for a speedy recovery for you sweet M.
    Xo

  9. I'd cry too! It's the worse when they are sick, poor little thing. Hope she is feeling better soon and that you have a great weekend…

  10. When my husband is deployed, I feel the same way. I truly understand what you're going through. Good luck! You're doing amazing I am SURE! 🙂

  11. this is the most beautiful and heartbreaking post. It made me cry. You're a superb mama and Marlowe is oh so lucky to have you. Wish I could reach through the screen and lend you my arms. I hope you're both feeling better soon.

  12. I have been reading your beautiful blog for a few weeks now. I know, sorry, it's really about time I said hi 🙂 Reading this post brought a tear to my eye. You are doing such an incredible job, & your words hit my heart and made me think of all the harder times I have had with my little Lola. Whether it be teething, a fever or just wanting that extra cuddle, I have always had that extra someone to share this role. You may not have that extra someone on hand at all times, which may cause tears to swell, but you and your stunning heart & deep soul are as good as two. Yes it may be hard and by all means let the tears continue to fall. But just know there are others, like me, out there praying & thinking of you, and trying to be a better person themselves as they read your honest words.
    Your life is 'simply' beautiful.. but I know you already know that. You have created such a happy space for you both & this makes me smile real big.

    Hope Miss Marlowe is feeling better soon.

    Big hugs all the way from Oz – ash x

  13. you're such an amazing woman and mother. I hope Marlowe is feeling better if not 100%. <3

  14. you're an amazing woman and mother. I hope Marlowe is feeling better if not 100%. <3

  15. What a rough day! You both will come through this stronger and better … keep on keeping on … you're doing great!

  16. Man, this really reminds me of my single mother taking care of me. I was always so sickly growing up. She had to bring me to work and I remember being so sick, wanting to be attached to her. She did the best she could. And so are you!
    Single mama's have ALL of my respect.

    Good luck with little M!

  17. I am so sorry that you and your little one are going through this. I have been in a similar situation with Wyatt and it is terrible. It makes you feel so helpless and alone and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I am so lucky to have my husband to help me – I can not imagine what it would be like to parent by yourself. You are such a strong woman and you are instilling those same values in your daughter.

    I hope Marlowe feels better soon!

    -Kendall
    {songbirdsandbuttons.blogspot.com}

  18. big hugs! I can only imagine how hard it is to parent alone, I am so thankful for my husband, especially after I read something like this. Having that extra person is always a lifesaver. Thankfully M seems like a generally wonderful baby/kid, hopefully she feels better soon.

  19. I hope M is better soon. I'm sure it is 'just' a typical sick baby fever thing. we had it recently here. it started the same. stanely was sick, he's never sick. then temperature shot up for 3 days. all he would do was sleep and sleep, but only on me. the pityfull little cry, crawl a little closer and then sleep again. no eating, only drinking water and milk. it got slowly better but it did wipe us both out. i feel for you not having the extra hands when you need them. hope all is well soon. xoxo

  20. I’m so sorry you two had such a rough night/day. And it’s perfectly fine to cry, to be tired, and to get frustrated that there isn’t anyone there to help you out. It really sucks that you have to experience these things alone. But believe me when I say that you’re doing an amazing job! Being a single person you can only give so much. You can only do so many things on your own. And you are surpassing it all. Marlowe is so lucky to have such a loving, caring, and nurturing mother. She’s going to grow up to be a strong woman just like her momma. Be confident in that.

    As for her being sick, well, it’s scary every time. You’re not acting any differently than most moms out there. Emery’s been sick like this a few times, and it scared me each time. Especially since she’s so little and doesn’t understand exactly what’s happening. I felt so helpless each time. The vomiting, and little moans of pain were always so heartbreaking. And I always cry, after I’ve been “super mom”. So if that’s what you need, do it as often as you need to get you through it.

    My advice (which can be taken as a grain of salt) is lots of fluids, pedialyte, and soup (in amounts that she’ll take). I don’t know how you feel about medicine, but infant Tylenol or some kind of fever reducer will help bring her fever down. Also, most drugstores sell these cooling patches called “BeKool” that help draw out the fever. I use them with Em every time she’s sick, but instead of putting them on her forehead I put them on her chest or back. They’ve worked wonders for us. And I’m sure she’ll be pretty sleepy and very clingy, so lots of rest and cuddling. Good luck Drea!

    p.s. sorry that was so long.

  21. I've been a single mom for most of my son's life (he's 12 now), and I can totally relate to so much that you go through. I love following your blog for your recipes, great style, and I admire what a great mother and strong woman you are. It's so wonderful that you are documenting the good and the bad, it will give you something so special to look back on. You're going to have so many heart bursting wonderful days ahead of you, and probably some darker days as well, but you are such a strong woman you will perservere through anything. And those crying, fever-filled, vomit-covered, lonely and hopeless-feeling moments are only bringing you and your daughter closer (if that's possible). You'll look back with a warm heart and remember all the difficult and heart-wrenching times and be so proud of the human and mother you were/are. P.S. My son would get pretty miserable and sick with fever etc. during excessive teething, even though my doctor would usually deny it was caused by teething. I hope she feels better soon. You're an awesome mom!

  22. Praying for Marlowe and mama. I hope you both get out of this as quickly as possible. She is a lucky little girl to have you as her mom!

  23. it is just the worst feeling for a mama when a bebe is sick. i hope this passes quickly and your beautiful daughter gets back to her regular self soon!!

  24. I hope she is feeling better ASAP! Nora is just a couple months older (I think) and has done that same scenario to me a few times, all recently. It wasn't teething or anything, she's never even had the sniffles so far but just the other night she woke up at midnight after sleeping a few hours and vomited all over herself and her crib and then later me. I sat in a warm bath with her and chatted about animals while the whole time I am desperate to clean her bed and sheets and get some sleep! It's definitely a hard spot to be in 🙁 Hoping this will pass quick for you both!!

  25. its natural to worry when your child is sick. I'm sure she will be fine, and you're doing great!

  26. ohhh sorry–little sickies are the worst. When my little ones get the throw ups they like to suck on gatorade ice cubes or gatorade slush. I just keep it in the freezer and its nice and cool and soothing for them. Feel better!

  27. Oh – poor Marlowe and poor you. Sounds like a typical little child virus – my daughter was always sick when her temperature was up. And she would just lie asleep on top me all day too.

    We have lots of nasty bugs in our area at the moment – I've spent days at school sending home poorly 5 year olds who are hot and sick.

  28. SO sorry 🙁 My kiddo got the stomach flu last month and I sat in the bath with him and cried. It's so hard when they are sick, I hope it's just the teething and she is back to herself very soon!