Today was terrible. One of the worst of the worst. I haven’t been sleeping well. My nights have been filled with terrible dreams of love, work, and child raising— all falling apart– again. I’m not sure what triggers my sleep problems (well, late night sugar doesn’t help… and hormones don’t help… okay, I guess I do know), but whether I know or don’t know: my complicated relationship with sleep is back. I went to bed last night, excited for today… but today: nothing went as planned. I woke up to rain. Fine, it’s rain, not a big deal. Rain happens, it’s nothing to cry about. But how I was going to make it to two banks and city hall with a toddler, in the rain, was beyond me. (#firstworldproblems, right?) But I NEEDED to pay my bills. I knew I needed to. Five days past payment on rent (not a huge deal, I’ve got a great landlord, she knows the payment will come in– this was my first day free this week) and a little overdue on utilities— maybe, I never received a notice. I started gathering things together– I was going to get Marlowe in that stroller and make quick walk east when there was a break in the clouds. I pick her up, I bring her in her room to change her: the power goes out. I hear someone outside. WHY. My bill stated the payment was due the 19th (of April). WHY. I go to the window and I see the man who shut off my power, getting in his truck, and pulling away. And I’m stuck, in the 90 degree, raining weather, with no AC and no power for fans…. and I’m confused and upset. Why the man who turns a switch to turn off all the power in my house couldn’t wait for tomorrow, couldn’t wait an hour until I made it to the office, is beyond me. We finally make it out of the house, neither one of us is happy. Marlowe vocally whines the whole time, I whine in my head, but I’m certain you can see it in my face. She whines more. She screams. I give up. I give her a lollipop from the bank— ANYTHING to give me a slight second of a break today. The lollipop is not another person or a helping hand. The lollipop is hardly a minute distraction. And I don’t feel completely guilty. We make it home. I prepare lunch. She screams the entire time. She seems hungry. I place her in the highchair and she is disappointed and unhappy. Whines. Points to nothing. Whines more. I beg, I plead. Finally, she gives up on her pointless whining and reaches for food. She begins to eat. I stand up in relief, wash my hands, walk back to the couch, and she is asleep: covered in food, in her chair. I lay her, dirty, covered in food, on my bed. I get some work done and I clean my messy home. She wakes up, in a better mood. For a short while, the clouds move, and the sun shines in… and I make lemonade. The rest of the day continues with more fits, more tantrums, and refusing to eat anything of value, and the day, once again, continues to fall apart.
Currently: I’m happy to be in bed, with my child asleep in her cozy, tiny bedroom. I’m happy we both survived our moodiness today. I’m not pleased that my emotions have gotten the best of me a few times this week, but I’m proud for making it through another trying day, alone. I look forward to a fresh start tomorrow. Tomorrow will be a good day. Tomorrow: I drink my lemonade.
2 parts lemon
1 part sweetener
6 parts water
(sounds accurate enough)
Happy Weekend everyone! Happy Easter, if you celebrate it. It seems the earth and the planets are moving in all kinds of weird directions, changing and adjusting our moods and cycles. I know very little about this. I failed (well, I got a C) on every exam relating to the pull of the moon and tides in my college oceanography course (hardest class I’ve taken to date). With Mercury in retrograde (whatever that means), we’re not “supposed to” make big decisions, take on new projects, or deal with finances, but instead, deal with already looked at and older projects. Whatever is going on with moodiness and pulls, it’s supposed to end soon. Again, happy weekend. Make some lemonade.