Time is slipping by incredibly fast these days. On the one hand: I’m loving everything. On the other: I’m sad to find that moments are flying by all too quickly. I can’t tell whether everything is pulling at me or if it’s me, pulling at everything. Am I the one who filled up too much time and left very little time to breathe? Or is it life and everything I need to do that is leaving me with little breathing room? I’m not complaining. I’m far from complaining. For the most part: I don’t need the breathing room, not yet, anyway. Part of me is loving every second of this fast pace, little time, full on life, I’m living. No, actually, all of me is loving it, but the worried part, the anxious part, the adult in me, is scared that I’m going to get ahead of myself and lose my footing. This is the first moment today, where I am sitting here, with one task in front of me. Not two tasks…. not three… not four… just one task in front of me (unless you count a machine of washing laundry, and air-drying my hair as a task… because I did actually plan my day to use this time to allow my hair to dry). I’m allowing myself to take a moment, and clear my mind. Every other part of my day and days are filled with an overwhelming amount of thoughts and tasks in front of me. Two tasks at one time is not enough to check off every priority on my to-do list. But wait, let me clarify… I really shouldn’t even call anything a “task“. Every event I am marking off my list is something enjoyable, or at the least, mostly enjoyable. But when simple enjoyable things like a shower or eating breakfast have to be planned down to the very minute so I am able to squeeze it in, I realize… well… I don’t know what I realize… I still haven’t gathered my thoughts that far… but it certainly gets me thinking about how much I am really doing, accomplishing, and enjoying in one day. Even as I sit here, with my one task, my brain won’t stop. It’s on overload. A rambling overload. Welcome to the inside of my brain, expressed through jumbled thoughts, typed on my keys, and posted openly for whoever to see.
I spend whole weekends with Marlowe. I take her on day trips, to parties, to markets, to museums, and at the end of the day I still wonder if I spent enough time with her. She’s growing right in front of me and I feel like I’m missing it. This is that feeling that adults, parents, and relatives would speak of. This is what they meant when they expressed that “time speeds up each year” and “kids grow too quickly”.
What else is slipping by me? Is anything slipping by me? Is this just what living is? Waking up to a day full of responsibilities and exciting plans with my daughter, friends, and/or family? “Work hard, play hard” doesn’t seem to apply to me. Nothing really feels like work. I feel like, whatever I’m doing, I’m doing it mostly right…. maybe not completely right, but mostly. I’ve found a good balance between two (albeit: part-time) jobs, raising my daughter by myself, and appreciating and loving every second of life around me.
On another note, the time has come where we’ve started overnights, again. We decided to give it a few tries and see how it goes for Marlowe. The painful, first (and last) time we attempted overnights, it was decided it was too soon and we stepped back. But this time, Marlowe seems to be adjusting alright… even: pretty well. I’m still sad each day that I have to wave goodbye to her… but she’s okay, and this makes me okay. It’s an adjustment for sure, but like my full tuesdays to myself, I’m taking this time could-be-sad time and trying to use it to my advantage. I see it as: each overnight gives me an extra three to four hours to accomplish more tasks that I wouldn’t have otherwise.
My wake up time varies each day, but my days usually start between seven and eight am and end around one to three am. That’s a lot of time to live. My small goal for the month of May is to accomplish more… but in a more organized way. I don’t want to lose my footing. I don’t want to jumble and confuse more thoughts. I want to get everything I want and need to-do in proper order, take a moment to breath, adjust myself, and accomplish more.