I’m in a constant haze here, in Massachusetts. When planning this whole thing, I don’t think I really considered much of an adjustment time. I figured, I would dive right into a new situation, like I have so many times before. I guess what I didn’t think about was… well, how I felt so out of place for so very long, and how my constant pick and go’s may have been the cause of my unsettling energy. Within 48 hours here, I’ve been able to learn even more about myself and my happiness. I don’t hate it here. And I don’t not like it here. I’m just, not feeling like my full best, soaring self. I’ve grown to know myself very well in this lifetime and I’ve been able to reach a place where I feel extremely confident, happy, and settled with where I am and who I am. What I’ve come to realize this week is: I thrive at home. I like to be surrounded by familiarity and by my organized, structured space. When I feel like my home and familiar surroundings are in order, the little bit of extroversion in me can flourish. It’s not so much of an insecurity here, I just feel like I forced to be more cautious about each step I take. I’m a more timid version of myself here, I take myself more seriously, and sadly, I’m less likely to throw my hands up and randomly dance.
I’ve written a bit about my anxiety in the past, but not very much. It was bad: really, really bad. Since settling in West Palm, I’ve been able to tame it. Here, I feel the tension once again. I’m not nearly as anxious as I once was, but I feel that tinge of pressure in my heart. While I don’t think it will fully go away, I’m almost certain I can fight it down, and make it work for me, while I’m here.
I started this trip with a first day adventure. A day of pushing myself to new-old places, that may seem like simple every day activities to some, but for me: I’ve struggled to reach them before. Wednesday morning, I took the commuter rail into Boston for a fun planned day with a friend, Ari. I asked him to pick me up on his scooter. I was mostly excited, but partially nervous. I packed up my picnic blanket, and hopped on. Instantly I thought: “I don’t know why I asked for the scooter. I panic on these things”. I didn’t panic, but I was nervous. After our first stop, in the North End for bread, and second hop back on the scooter, I was fine… and enjoying it, mostly. We made our way to Castle Island. Ari unpacked a delicious picnic lunch he prepared and sparkling red wine (my new favorite, I can’t believe I’ve lived this long without it). We spent a few hours in the warm Massachusetts sun and decided to plan more activities for the day. An IMAX movie (another simple activity that would once bring me to panic), a delicious Ethiopian dinner, a few moments to relax, and a few drinks at a bar to end the day, before complete overwheming exhaustion hit. My first full day here was packed with beauty, each moment enjoyable, and while I always over-think every single moment that I live in, this day mostly passed me by in a complicated and unthought through daze.
My second full day in Massachusetts: a bigger haze. Marlowe and I spent a few hours outdoors and a fair amount of time napping. I prepared dinner, my mom came home, and before I knew it, I was out the door starting work. Work was hard for me. I started training as a server. Within an hour I was asking if I could move into the kitchen. So far: yes is the answer. I’m looking forward to it, I’ll do much better there. I find that calm, familiar place in my head, with the kitchen noise and movement bustling around me, where my introversion can focus and I can work work work.
This was a big chance I took and I just have to tell myself: an adjustment period has to take place, because really, it hasn’t even been three full days. Luckily, Marlowe is not only adjusting, but loving every bit of this adventure. Soon enough, I too will find that happy calm in my head, and thrive again. I’m not sure what exactly it will take, but I know it’s only a matter of time… and I know that writing this helped.