I’m in a constant haze here, in Massachusetts. When planning this whole thing, I don’t think I really considered much of an adjustment time. I figured, I would dive right into a new situation, like I have so many times before. I guess what I didn’t think about was… well, how I felt so out of place for so very long, and how my constant pick and go’s may have been the cause of my unsettling energy. Within 48 hours here, I’ve been able to learn even more about myself and my happiness. I don’t hate it here. And I don’t not like it here. I’m just, not feeling like my full best, soaring self. I’ve grown to know myself very well in this lifetime and I’ve been able to reach a place where I feel extremely confident, happy, and settled with where I am and who I am. What I’ve come to realize this week is: I thrive at home. I like to be surrounded by familiarity and by my organized, structured space. When I feel like my home and familiar surroundings are in order, the little bit of extroversion in me can flourish. It’s not so much of an insecurity here, I just feel like I forced to be more cautious about each step I take. I’m a more timid version of myself here, I take myself more seriously, and sadly, I’m less likely to throw my hands up and randomly dance.
I’ve written a bit about my anxiety in the past, but not very much. It was bad: really, really bad. Since settling in West Palm, I’ve been able to tame it. Here, I feel the tension once again. I’m not nearly as anxious as I once was, but I feel that tinge of pressure in my heart. While I don’t think it will fully go away, I’m almost certain I can fight it down, and make it work for me, while I’m here.
I started this trip with a first day adventure. A day of pushing myself to new-old places, that may seem like simple every day activities to some, but for me: I’ve struggled to reach them before. Wednesday morning, I took the commuter rail into Boston for a fun planned day with a friend, Ari. I asked him to pick me up on his scooter. I was mostly excited, but partially nervous. I packed up my picnic blanket, and hopped on. Instantly I thought: “I don’t know why I asked for the scooter. I panic on these things”. I didn’t panic, but I was nervous. After our first stop, in the North End for bread, and second hop back on the scooter, I was fine… and enjoying it, mostly. We made our way to Castle Island. Ari unpacked a delicious picnic lunch he prepared and sparkling red wine (my new favorite, I can’t believe I’ve lived this long without it). We spent a few hours in the warm Massachusetts sun and decided to plan more activities for the day. An IMAX movie (another simple activity that would once bring me to panic), a delicious Ethiopian dinner, a few moments to relax, and a few drinks at a bar to end the day, before complete overwheming exhaustion hit. My first full day here was packed with beauty, each moment enjoyable, and while I always over-think every single moment that I live in, this day mostly passed me by in a complicated and unthought through daze.


My second full day in Massachusetts: a bigger haze. Marlowe and I spent a few hours outdoors and a fair amount of time napping. I prepared dinner, my mom came home, and before I knew it, I was out the door starting work. Work was hard for me. I started training as a server. Within an hour I was asking if I could move into the kitchen. So far: yes is the answer. I’m looking forward to it, I’ll do much better there. I find that calm, familiar place in my head, with the kitchen noise and movement bustling around me, where my introversion can focus and I can work work work.
This was a big chance I took and I just have to tell myself: an adjustment period has to take place, because really, it hasn’t even been three full days. Luckily, Marlowe is not only adjusting, but loving every bit of this adventure. Soon enough, I too will find that happy calm in my head, and thrive again. I’m not sure what exactly it will take, but I know it’s only a matter of time… and I know that writing this helped.


  1. I have my own little struggles with anxiety and being an introvert as well. Before Scott and I left for our month long road trip, I was secretly, and also not so secretly, freaking out. I find comfort planning and thinking about what is likely to happen each step of the way and am working regularly on understanding that I don't really have control over everything that is going to happen to me. I also rely on alone time and reflection time to be my best self. If I feel like I don't know when I will have time to be alone, I am more likely to become shut down. Many people don't understand how important it is for introverts to have this time (drives me nuts).

    The reason I'm telling you this, I guess, is so you know you're not alone. Reading your post helped me see that I'm not either.

    I'm sure you will find your footing and comfort in this new/old setting soon.

    In doing this trip and un-sticking my feet from what I'm used to, so to speak, I feel more confident in myself too. I know you will too! I've also heard that moving is one of the most stressful things humans go through in life, so give your self some credit!

  2. I have anxiety to, about silly things, I was actually anxious about our new england trip so I cancelled it last min.

    So happy you took that step outside of your comfort zone and hung out for the day with your cute friend. I bet it did your heart good. I hope this season of your life will be a wonderful season where you find yourself being less and less anxious and more at peace about things
    hugs to you friend

  3. Things are much calmer out here in the Mass farmlands 🙂 if you have a chance, I highly recommend a day of swimming at Walden pond. It's wonderful, and I can't wait to jump back in the water tomorrow!

  4. Sometimes, when reading your posts, I feel like I'm seeing my thoughts written out. Moving in the near future, I'm feeling my anxiety bubbling up, keeping me awake at nights. But, then there's a tiny part of me that's saying be excited, its an adventure, dive in. That's a tiny tiny part of me. The pressure surrounding big changes is just so immense because its not just me, I have my little man to worry about…. I'll be thinking good thoughts for you, reading along as you go!

  5. It's so hard moving to a new city… perment or for a short while. I always find myself exhausted from the change and worrying about the future. You will do good and take your time.

  6. I'm glad you're here. In a place where you can get away for the day. I hope your time here helps you to settle more than anything else.

    I love Castle Island. I'm glad you had a chance to enjoy it.

  7. I hope you feel more settled soon and that your time there will be very happy.

  8. hey mama. we are home. just got in actually. catching up with you. cities always give a bit of anxiety. i think the slow pace of florida is good for you and you have gotten used to it.
    enjoy this time there as an adventure and a vacation. dont make too much or try to think too much of it.
    Ari looks like a sweetie and your date looks like super fun.
    enjoy yourself and see you when you get home.

  9. It is so hard when we find the place that makes our heart calm down and must leave. Just remember this is not permanent.
    Also I love your dress. I love nursing but miss having tons of dress options. Your scooter drive isn't bad either.

    • I wore dresses all through pregnancy and was bummed to not be able to wear them during nursing.. then I just stopped wearing them completely. I'm slowly adding them back into the mix 🙂 One day!

  10. I have anxiety too. Good job getting out and about!

    I want details on that picnic – it looks so tasty! What were the noodle cups?

    • The "noodles" were pickled golden beets! nom. He also made a yummy edamame hummus and salad with vinegarette.

  11. living in mass gives me anxiety too :/ I hope you start feeling better.
    PS Castle Island is my second favorite place on earth 🙂

  12. Even if you feel a bit messy, your writing and appearance in these photos couldn't be more put together! Though you may have walked the same streets before, it's all a new, learning experience. Keep with the outlets that make you, you and you can't go wrong.