I’m in panic mode. Quietly panicking inside, as life keeps moving forward. On the day to day, I tend to stick to the more positive side of the chart, but lately, I can’t help but let my fears and insecurities seep into my head. Can I do this all? How will I do this all? I have no choice, but to do it all. I’m scared of failing. I’m scared of dropping this shiny oyster I’m holding in my hands. I don’t turn for help very often. Sometimes, I ask for advice on silly, not-so-important things… but that’s about it. When it comes to real things, I tend to stick in my head. My mom, like I imagine most parents are, is big on giving me unsolicited advice. Like the people who know and love me best, my mom can give me one look or hear one quiver in my voice, and know that the panic gears are turning in my head. She likes to remind me, that there was a point, a little over two years ago, where I was in one of the biggest panic modes of my life. Where I could be found: sitting on my bed, crying, writing (on this blog and in private journals), and scared to flipping death about my future. And now, every single fear I worried about at that time? Well, those fears are dust now. Poof, life happened, great things happened, some bad things too, but life kept going and nothing I ever worried about then, matters anymore. Pessimism is futile. Big breath in. Big breath out. 
I’ve written about my panic and anxiety enough times, that I should have a label for it. I don’t. I store it all, with all my other babbles, under “random thoughts“. Not very long ago, I wrote about my worries and my nerves getting in the way of letting good things happen. Like I told myself I would, I stopped doing that. But now, in this moment? I’m scared. No, scared is extreme. I’m anxious. Okay, I’m petrified. I need to keep reminding myself, that life has curveballs and no matter how much you plan or don’t plan, prepare or don’t prepare, the only way to get through anything, is: one positive step at a time. I want to be, but I’m not some super woman. I can’t control everything. I can’t fix everything. And there is no certainty that I can hold the world in my hands, without dropping it. I can do, what I can do. Luckily, most of the time, it’s more than enough. With every good intention that I have, I’m packing up, moving forward, and making it work to the best of my ability, to make this the best “next big thing” in our lives. But just know, as I continue packing, working, raising my daughter, and doing all the millions of other things I have to do: I’m quietly panicking inside. As long as I don’t turn into a wretched person who takes out their stress on the people around them and as long as I can continue doing everything with a smile— or a half smile (on the really hard days), I’m secure in saying: I’m doing okay. I think a healthy dose of fear is acceptable when making big changes, as long as it doesnt get in the way. 
So now, if you don’t mind… I’m going to continue to panic. <panic> <half smile>
Something I learned today and words to live by: 
when life gives you assholes, buy a giant bubble wand, and make bubbles. 

18 Comments

  1. Anxiety can be so crippling and something not fully understood until you have suffered from it yourself – I feel for you mama! Moving house is supposed to be up there in terms of stress levels with getting married, new job, having a baby – it's no easy feat. You are doing a wonderful job though, just being able to write about how you are feeling is a great thing 🙂 I hope it all goes well for you!

  2. hang in there mama – i know *it* (moving, raising a little one, and life in general) can be overwhelming. I just moved last month w/ my 2 yr old and trust me I know how stressful it is. But you are right — you just keep moving forward and in one month or even a few weeks from today you will be eons ahead of yourself now. we have been living in our new house for over a month and still have so much work to do btwn painting, buying more furniture and rugs, and it continues to give me anxiety! But point being is that everything takes time. Breathe, have a pumpkin spice latte, & tackle one day at a time. 🙂
    PS I'm so excited to see your new home!

    • I'm telling myself every day that whenI move into this house, it's going to be mostly empty for a long, long time. I "splurged" and bought one piece of furniture, but that's it. Most of all the other extra will have to wait a while until I can afford it. But it's cool, minimal houses are where it's at.

  3. Here is an affirmation from one of my favorite inspirations, Kris Carr, that I read yesterday (and which momentarily helped ease me out of financially-induced extreme anxiety):

    “I am safe and secure. I exhale any anxiety and inhale calm. As my world expands so do my heart and mind. I am willing to stay open and accept all the miracles and abundance the universe has to offer me.”

    Take a moment. Really breathe this in and breathe it out. Sit with it.

    I hope it helps, even if just for a moment. <3

    • That is a good one. Affirmations, whatever they may be, are always so helpful to me these days. I feel like even these blog posts are just giant affirmations to myself. If I could, I would cheers to your to financial-induced anxiety… but only two a 1$ can of PBR, cause that's all I could afford right now. Also… that detox? I went out and got wine the next day. Whoops… but that's it! No more wine after that!

    • I'm heading to my grandma's house in Idaho next week for 4 days — that equals "detox" to me because they're Mormon and I can't drink when visiting them. Hence my alternate name for their house (rehab) 😉

  4. This probably won't mean much in the grips of anxiety (trust me– been there), but this blog (and obviously being a mom) makes you such an active part in peoples lives. Every trouble, insecurity, and angst followed by your eventual overcoming of those things is hope to someone else… probably someone you've never even met. That makes you a pretty important ;). On this side of the screen, we all know you're going to continue to do great things… maybe for now, you just hold on to the world of support you have at your fingertips…

  5. brilliant post. You seem to be doing a fantastic job, I have suffered from anxiety in the past also. I think you are so brave to write about it. p.s I love the new blog design! xx

    • Honestly, I debated writing about it again today… or ever again. I've become more apprehensive about putting everything out there since so many people are quick to judge, without fully knowing or understand. But I decided I do like to keep citing about it, because even though there are some that will not understand, there are many who can and do relate… like you, with this 🙂 <3

  6. Your quote of the day is awesome. Sometimes, that's all you can do. Internalize that panic, and make bubbles. Bubbles make everything better, right? You seem to be doing a great job not letting the fear get in your way. keep up that half smile-from experience, I know it's enough to keep the monsters at bay. :S

    • My only regret is leaving the bubbles in the trunk of someones car. Today is another day where bubbles would help.

  7. boobs, take it all in stride and one day at a time. like your mom reminded you, you have come a long way. you have made it work. you always do. between your family close by and friends, you have a good support system. you are fortunate.
    i wish you all the best in this new adventure you are about to embark on. a house is no easy task but it is a great one and i wish you nothing but all good things for both you and M.
    hopefully we will see you soon. xoxo

  8. You should read a little in this book :Lynn Grabhorn: Excuse me, Your Life is waiting
    It helped me so much!

    • I will absolutely put it on my life of books I must try when I can afford to buy things again, and I can afford to sit and read them again 🙂

  9. As someone who suffers from panic and anxiety frequently during big life changes I feel your pain! If it helps at all I try to remember that anxiety makes you think irrationally and makes everything worse. So the worrying thoughts you have are actually a result of anxiety rather than the problem if that makes sense. I've also started looking into cognitive behavioural therapy which if you have any time is a great way to help with worrying. x

    • It's true. Before I would always let the anxiety run over everything else. Now I know better, and just have to keep telling myself, the more I let it get out of hand, the worse it will be. I love all areas of psychology and psychiatry, I studied much of it in college. I think, even if it just for reading, t's great to learn about it. It helps with self reflection. 🙂