I’m in panic mode. Quietly panicking inside, as life keeps moving forward. On the day to day, I tend to stick to the more positive side of the chart, but lately, I can’t help but let my fears and insecurities seep into my head. Can I do this all? How will I do this all? I have no choice, but to do it all. I’m scared of failing. I’m scared of dropping this shiny oyster I’m holding in my hands. I don’t turn for help very often. Sometimes, I ask for advice on silly, not-so-important things… but that’s about it. When it comes to real things, I tend to stick in my head. My mom, like I imagine most parents are, is big on giving me unsolicited advice. Like the people who know and love me best, my mom can give me one look or hear one quiver in my voice, and know that the panic gears are turning in my head. She likes to remind me, that there was a point, a little over two years ago, where I was in one of the biggest panic modes of my life. Where I could be found: sitting on my bed, crying, writing (on this blog and in private journals), and scared to flipping death about my future. And now, every single fear I worried about at that time? Well, those fears are dust now. Poof, life happened, great things happened, some bad things too, but life kept going and nothing I ever worried about then, matters anymore. Pessimism is futile. Big breath in. Big breath out.
I’ve written about my panic and anxiety enough times, that I should have a label for it. I don’t. I store it all, with all my other babbles, under “random thoughts“. Not very long ago, I wrote about my worries and my nerves getting in the way of letting good things happen. Like I told myself I would, I stopped doing that. But now, in this moment? I’m scared. No, scared is extreme. I’m anxious. Okay, I’m petrified. I need to keep reminding myself, that life has curveballs and no matter how much you plan or don’t plan, prepare or don’t prepare, the only way to get through anything, is: one positive step at a time. I want to be, but I’m not some super woman. I can’t control everything. I can’t fix everything. And there is no certainty that I can hold the world in my hands, without dropping it. I can do, what I can do. Luckily, most of the time, it’s more than enough. With every good intention that I have, I’m packing up, moving forward, and making it work to the best of my ability, to make this the best “next big thing” in our lives. But just know, as I continue packing, working, raising my daughter, and doing all the millions of other things I have to do: I’m quietly panicking inside. As long as I don’t turn into a wretched person who takes out their stress on the people around them and as long as I can continue doing everything with a smile— or a half smile (on the really hard days), I’m secure in saying: I’m doing okay. I think a healthy dose of fear is acceptable when making big changes, as long as it doesnt get in the way.
So now, if you don’t mind… I’m going to continue to panic. <panic> <half smile>
Something I learned today and words to live by:
when life gives you assholes, buy a giant bubble wand, and make bubbles.