I had a teacher in high school, who’s name I can’t remember… or what subject he taught and to tell you the truth, I’m not 100% sure of the high school I was at (I went to three), but I’m pretty sure it was my Florida high school, and if it was, I was probably in my junior year. If I had to make an educated guess, I would assume he was a psychology teacher, but again, I’m not sure, because I’m pretty sure the topic he was discussing wasn’t incredibly relevant to our studies. (I do in fact have the worst memory ever.) Mr. Whatever-his-name-is was talking about poverty, divorce, marriage, and families. And his theory was that one of the reasons the divorce rate keeps climbing is because people are now choosing to get married later in life. Before, people married young, much younger than we do now. It wasn’t uncommon in our grandparents time to be married at 18 years old. Where many couples nowadays are finally settling into each other and their new partnerships, marriage, families, and what-have-you’s in their later twenties and early and mid thirties. This isn’t an exact quote, but he said something along the lines of “people married when they had very little and they had to learn to grow, struggle, and make something out of life together. Growing out of hard times helps to build a family and keep it strong.” This, out of everything this man said, was the only thing that really clicked in my head. This, then and now, still kind of makes sense. I’m of course in no way, saying that people who marry older are more likely to get a divorce, because honestly, I don’t think thats true at all. I think if you (both) want a marriage, you keep a marriage, at any age. But I guess he’s right in the fact that things are more easily disposable, that you haven’t worked and struggled for. I do believe, that in life in general— at every and any age, we’re falling into that patten and lifestyle more, disposable things—- because really, what’s not disposable these days? Even I’m guilty of it (very guilty), dropping things off that I just don’t want or need and I’m happy to not deal with again. I don’t like this, I don’t want this, it’s not worth my time. And poof, it’s gone. I love and hate that part of me. That part of me, keeps me safe. Safe from clutter, safe from overstimulation, safe from harm, pain, and disappointment. But part of me thinks, “well shit, Drea, maybe that part of you makes you quit on people too easily”. Maybe. But I shrug and think “but I’m happy, I didn’t need that clutter, it wasn’t good for me.” and I continue on.
I’ve had a hard week over here, like a really hard one. I’m not sure when it happened, but my body seemed to take a turn for the worse. If I showed it to you, you’d think I’m pregnant. My stomach is swollen and I’m in pain. Superficially, I’m pretty bummed about it and I don’t feel good. Emotionally, I’ve also been down and hard on myself. I don’t feel awesome when I’m in a less-than struggle, internal, external, whatever. I tried to detox my problem away (mind you, I wasn’t sure what my problem was). I thought maybe weight gain, carby party bloating life– but I haven’t been eating that bad. I questioned pregnancy, but I knew there was no way. And looking 20 weeks-ish pregnant? Do the math, impossible. The uncomfortable feeling worsened and my pain moved from my pelvis, into my legs, into my feet, and back up towards my hips until I couldn’t sit without shaking and I couldn’t lay down without a fire in my legs. I had to face it, this wasn’t going away. I went to urgent care, they ran tests and I was scheduled in for an emergency ultrasound. It seems that lately (and always forever), despite what I do, my cysts are uncountable. My breasts, my kidney, and my ovaries—- I’m no stranger to cysts, fibroadenomas, and ‘questionable masses’. I’ve had them since I can remember. I left with set of drugs and luckily it’s been helping. I’m now functioning and can get through daily tasks as long as I don’t have to bend over. But I’ll tell you, this round, this round scared me a lot more than I’d like to admit. Because questionable lumps or no lumps, I’ve never experienced a debilitating pain throughout my body like I did in this round of cysts. And my stomach…. well, it’s still pretty swollen. I’m feeling better now, but the truth is I’m still scared— or maybe not completely scared, but nervous and uncomfortable with it all.
I’ve been writing this post over the past week or so— well, not the last part about the medical concerns… I’ve gone back and forth about sharing that tidbit. It feels like such a downer. And I definitely didn’t want to write about it without knowing what was going on first. But the main thought that’s been floating in my head when I look around, no matter what I’ve been doing is “I am grateful.” Each day I fall more in love with this transitioning and changing life. It’s not always easy, and in fact, different aspects and struggles have been coming out that have been quite tough…. and things I was hoping we’d never have to worry about are here, present, and real. But even with all of that, I feel like we are growing stronger, together.
That guy that I struggled with and fought back and forth with for so long, well, I’m happy it’s him I ended up with. We’re not exactly young in age here, but we’re starting young and hoping to build something bigger, stronger, and lasting. He’s been such a big part of my (our) life around here these days and such a big help in this past painful week. And that little girl we share? At the risk of sounding like a completely mushy mom, I am so in love with her. I’m not sure how I ended up so lucky with such an amazing kid. She’s so easy going, loving, soft, gentle, careful, and caring. It’s really nice to have a kid like her— a three year old I can take anywhere, in and out of doctors offices or ultrasounds and never have to worry. She makes this life such a joy to live in, and honestly, rarely a struggle. I’ve always loved her and would always do anything and everything for her, yes. But it took me a while to really fall in love with her and feel that instant “where have you been my whole life?” that new mothers seem to feel so easily. I have that, and more now. She has the full and complete ability to warm every part of my heart now. She’s pretty amazing. I’m so happy to share my heart and my home with the people in my life. Maybe things and people are more easily disposable these days, but the people closest to me, my family, my friends, the really good people I’ve come to find— they aren’t going anywhere I am so lucky for them and so grateful for all the details— seen and not seen that they create in my life.
he opened my computer to this and asked “but when did this happen?”
I had so much more to write for this post. Thoughts and rambles that came to me in and out of the countless hours I’ve slept this week. They’ve all passed me now— either way, I’m slowly feeling more like myself, more human. And these are a few pictures that show tiny moments of simple gratitude.