The thought crosses my mind often…. probably once a month… every 25 days or so…. haha 😉 But really, it does. Its a huge “what if” and it always will be. How would it change our family? How would it change me? Or Marlowe’s life? Or my relationship? I’ve written so many times (three now?) (yes, here, here, AND here) about my choice to have an only child… how it’s right for me, our family, and our home. I’ve written about the goods and bads and logical thinking behind all of it. But logical thinking aside, I still, sometimes, like to play the ‘what if’ game. I’m a dreamer. A night dreamer, a day dreamer, an over thinker, and fantasizer… it’s who I am. And even more than the “what if’s”…. I think about the “I would’s”. How this time around would be different. About how the first time was hard. I wasn’t prepared. I wasn’t ready. I was alone and hating much of it. I mean, I loved pregnancy. Emotionally, it was hard. Physically, I loved it. The baby part? Everything about it was hard.
Now, I enjoy to fantasize about how I would make this time around so much better…. if the what if happened. It won’t happen. Or it’s not happening and we’re not planning on it happening… but if it did. How I would savor each moment. How I would be more flexible. More open and accepting of the sleepless nights. More aware and prepared for the difficulties of breastfeeding. How I would have a dream space…. a better space. How I would know what baby things to buy and indulge in and what to ignore completely. A room full of beautiful (and practical) pieces. Even what I would write about on this thing…. haha! But mostly, I like to dream about all the beautiful baby things and the beautiful moments that motherhood offers to moms of new baby’s… and I like to think how nice it would be, or it would have been to know what I was doing the first time…. and to do it now, with someone else and knowing what I know and what I love. Those quiet, peaceful moments, where I lived in beauty and awe. I relive those in my head and create new ones. Fantasies that can stay distant, with no intention of ever making them real can sometimes be the best ones of all.
*the two images above are from Dorel.