So I started this post a few days ago. I got as far as the title and walked away. I’ve been feeling down on myself– mostly because I’m a complete doofus– and subsequently feeling more down because I feel down. You know, that whole cycle. It’s been maybe over a year or so since I opened my heart about working/over working/what I expect of myself
. It’s been 7 months or so since I talked about my plans for this year for myself
. A lot has changed since my working post
and a lot has changed since my new years pos
t, but the one thing that has not changed is my desire to work and push forward. I have two speeds: GO and SLUMP. The slump speed typically only last a few hours now until I pick myself up and start something new. (There’s been improvement, but always room for more).
I had this post in mind about spending and investing (if you couldn’t tell by the title) and how I’m trying to put a bit more into myself— with things. How I bought a fancy pair of sunglasses and within two days downsized to a cheaper version and the following day decided I should return them all together. And how I told a friend about my plans to return them and she responded, “I knew you wouldn’t keep them.” Outside of travel or things for our home and family, I have a hard time investing in myself. It always feels a bit selfish and frivolous. What I want vs. what I need. I want new sunglasses. I absolutely do not need new sunglasses. Going back to my How To Have a Good Life post
— I absolutely believe investing in new things is or can be important— new things and nice things. I can justify to myself buying (some) items for my home– because our home is where we spend our life and it adds to our family comfort— and after four years of using our old 50$ couch, it’s time to make a move to something else– that will probably and hopefully
be even longer lasting. And so I’ve justified it. We’ll spend our time here, and spend what we earn here, to create our better life. But no matter how I try to go around it, I cant seem to work the idea of new sunglasses into my life right now
. At times yes, maybe later yes, but now? No. Buying without investing or a real connection is often short lived instant gratification. Or I feel that way anyway— and I have an itching feeling most others do to– whether they see it or not. But it’s forever easy to fall into a consumeristic cycle this way.
Anyway, I work hard. We all do in this home. We work to make it a place we want to be, something growing, comforting, and changing. You get what you give. I’m giving a lot and getting a lot. And what I need isn’t new sunglasses, it’s some self tact. I think I’ve opened up twice now about my long daily hours
and what I’ve expected of myself in this past few months
— I wrote in pain. Some emotional, sure, I was exhausted. But much of it physical. I push and push and push and other than lasts week break, I wasn’t able (or haven’t wanted) to stop. I had
found lucidity. I had
mostly found balance. And then I chose to have our home shift a lot in the past few months. And with my lack of self grace, came, well, carpal tunnel. Insert a loud “what a moron” groan. As I came to an end in the recipes and pushed more in the writing here and there— the pain came and I didn’t stop. And hell, look at this post— it’s not short. Two painkillers/anti-imflammatories in and the pain has subsided enough to let me move forward. The part I’m struggling with is part actually stopping— I’m realizing I don’t want to stop. Ever. I deserve the self patience, but I love the push. Insert need for self-tact.
As of now, I’m looking for a bit of extra help in this space, the book will be put off for a little bit of time (not a lot, but some– 123 recipes done!)— and vacation with my family couldn’t be coming at a better time. I want to be engaged and engaging and I want to do more, make more, push more, but I’m learning to accept and forgive myself when I can’t.At any given point, I have a million ideas swimming in my head. I’m excited for now and more excited for the future, I just have to get there. If I want this thing (myself) to be long lasting, I have to invest in myself.
After 4 hours of on and off writing this today– I’m off. I’ll be pulling together some time for some next weeks posts— posts I’m excited about. From pictures, to gardening, to more on our india adventure (we have such a good group so far!), to a closer look at our home things. Oh and the doctor said no chores— let the house get messy. She doesn’t know me very well— but I’m trying 😉
Have a great weekend, everyone! Last chance to enter the giveaway and get something nice and well deserved for yourself– or someone you love <3