So I started this post a few days ago. I got as far as the title and walked away. I’ve been feeling down on myself– mostly because I’m a complete doofus– and subsequently feeling more down because I feel down. You know, that whole cycle. It’s been maybe over a year or so since I opened my heart about working/over working/what I expect of myself. It’s been 7 months or so since I talked about my plans for this year for myself. A lot has changed since my working post and a lot has changed since my new years post, but the one thing that has not changed is my desire to work and push forward. I have two speeds: GO and SLUMP. The slump speed typically only last a few hours now until I pick myself up and start something new. (There’s been improvement, but always room for more).
I had this post in mind about spending and investing (if you couldn’t tell by the title) and how I’m trying to put a bit more into myself— with things. How I bought a fancy pair of sunglasses and within two days downsized to a cheaper version and the following day decided I should return them all together. And how I told a friend about my plans to return them and she responded, “I knew you wouldn’t keep them.” Outside of travel or things for our home and family, I have a hard time investing in myself. It always feels a bit selfish and frivolous. What I want vs. what I need. I want new sunglasses. I absolutely do not need new sunglasses. Going back to my How To Have a Good Life post— I absolutely believe investing in new things is or can be important— new things and nice things. I can justify to myself buying (some) items for my home– because our home is where we spend our life and it adds to our family comfort— and after four years of using our old 50$ couch, it’s time to make a move to something else– that will probably and hopefully be even longer lasting. And so I’ve justified it. We’ll spend our time here, and spend what we earn here, to create our better life. But no matter how I try to go around it, I cant seem to work the idea of new sunglasses into my life right now. At times yes, maybe later yes, but now? No. Buying without investing or a real connection is often short lived instant gratification. Or I feel that way anyway— and I have an itching feeling most others do to– whether they see it or not. But it’s forever easy to fall into a consumeristic cycle this way.
Anyway, I work hard. We all do in this home. We work to make it a place we want to be, something growing, comforting, and changing. You get what you give. I’m giving a lot and getting a lot. And what I need isn’t new sunglasses, it’s some self tact. I think I’ve opened up twice now about my long daily hours and what I’ve expected of myself in this past few months— I wrote in pain. Some emotional, sure, I was exhausted. But much of it physical. I push and push and push and other than lasts week break, I wasn’t able (or haven’t wanted) to stop. I had found lucidity. I had mostly found balance. And then I chose to have our home shift a lot in the past few months. And with my lack of self grace, came, well, carpal tunnel. Insert a loud “what a moron” groan. As I came to an end in the recipes and pushed more in the writing here and there— the pain came and I didn’t stop. And hell, look at this post— it’s not short. Two painkillers/anti-imflammatories in and the pain has subsided enough to let me move forward. The part I’m struggling with is part actually stopping— I’m realizing I don’t want to stop. Ever. I deserve the self patience, but I love the push. Insert need for self-tact.
As of now, I’m looking for a bit of extra help in this space, the book will be put off for a little bit of time (not a lot, but some– 123 recipes done!)— and vacation with my family couldn’t be coming at a better time. I want to be engaged and engaging and I want to do more, make more, push more, but I’m learning to accept and forgive myself when I can’t.At any given point, I have a million ideas swimming in my head. I’m excited for now and more excited for the future, I just have to get there. If I want this thing (myself) to be long lasting, I have to invest in myself.
After 4 hours of on and off writing this today– I’m off. I’ll be pulling together some time for some next weeks posts— posts I’m excited about. From pictures, to gardening, to more on our india adventure (we have such a good group so far!), to a closer look at our home things. Oh and the doctor said no chores— let the house get messy. She doesn’t know me very well— but I’m trying 😉
Have a great weekend, everyone! Last chance to enter the giveaway and get something nice and well deserved for yourself– or someone you love <3
21 Comments
I loved this post, Drea. You're talking about treating yourself and feeling a little guilty about it, wanting but not needing. In some ways I feel the same, sometimes it feels beyond frivolous. And then I realize that I am being watched, constantly. I teach by feeling this or other way, I set example how to treat myself as a woman, mother. If doing some things feel a little strange, our girls will see it. Treat yourself for Marlowe, Drea, for her knowing that a hard working girl like you deserves it. And that sometimes it will be expensive, frivolous and so so satisfying. Not too often, not without consideration but when it feels just right.
(Keep those sunglasses, Drea. And enjoy them on your well-deserved holiday) xxx
Want to work out some sort of you call me, I type for you situation? I type fast. 🙂
I can so relate to this! Even for my own home I wont splurge, I love seeing the lovely things you do and find and create, it inspires me to do something about my grungy little apartment LOL getting out of my frumpy pants today to do just that thanks!
I thought I was pressing myself too much….it's really hard be a mom on these days…
luck!!
Let yourself rest! We all need it 🙂
I just love you. And yes, give yourself grace, friend.
I really relate to your story about returning the sunglasses- totally something I would do, and have done. 🙁 For me it's an issue of subconciously not feeling like I deserve nice things unless everyone around me can afford them too (I guess that's kind of the opposite of keeping up with the Joneses…). It's a process.
when I first read this I was half asleep and I was like "what no wrong" then I re-read it. I don't now if I'd say "not deserve" but I would absolutely agree I don't feel comfortable doing it—- I'd like to think I can give as much as I get and if I can't, I don't exactly feel wonderful in getting. Happy weekend!
I'm completely the same way – buy, overthink, return. I'm not a decision maker! This post (and your "How to have a great life…" post) definitely opened my eyes to how to invest in something that will last and recognize the difference between that sort of investment and a frivolous purchase. I think my biggest take-away was when you said, "Buying without investing or a real connection is often short lived instant gratification." Unfortunately, I'm in college and it's all about buying without real connection because you know that the dresser/futon/coffee table you buy for your dorm is probably too heavy to haul home over the summer and will probably end up on the curb come May. I can't wait for these college years to be over so that I can actually start to invest in a home and create a space entirely my own!
I also think you do have to take time for yourself. I don't like to spend money on myself and often have a hard time justifying it (none of "daddy's plastic" for this girl). But when I do work hard and earn extra cash, I love to spend it on my friends and family (I think my suitcase is mostly souvenirs coming home from Dublin this summer), making memories with them, or travels to visit different people around the US (my family is scattered like shrapnel). However, investing in yourself, taking time for yourself, the occasional splurge…I think it's ok. And though I have a hard time admitting that, it does feel good to treat yourself sometimes 🙂
I loved this post!
~ Samantha
samsamcherie.blogspot.com
Do you live in driving distance from your school? I absolutely hauled my stuff back and forth— but I went to school only an hour and 20 minutes from home. I have SOME not many pieces from college years— 10 years ago at this point! And there are things I absolutely regret not putting an effort into saving!
Vacations/souvenirs/and memories are always the best things to spend money on and otherwise <3
A lot of what you say rings very true with me too. It's so hard to stop. But stop you must, and let yourself heal. Take a break, take good care of yourself, relax and just let it all go for a while. You can pick it all up later, one day, just not now. Best wishes Drea, CJ xx
Have a great weekend, CJ!
Carpal Tunnel! Ugh! Gotta take a step back and take care of you. In regards to not wanting to buy sunglasses or whatever just for you, you HAVE to take care of you in that way, too. You are setting an amazing example for your daughter, but in order for her to feel like she can be a little selfish every now and then when she's an adult, she needs to see you do that. Let your spendy hair down every now and then.
Also, beautiful couch… I almost purchased it, but our condo is small and I have a lot of pattern going on in my pillows and other things, so it wouldn't work. I am glad I can come here and see it every day. 🙂
I'd rather her see me invest in vacations than sunglasses 🙂 But yes, the couch, it's a big one! I mean, it's the same size as the yellow, but because of the shape it just looks so much bigger! They did/do have the chair too right? or the settee? it's def a comfortable piece!
Yeah, that settee is beautiful, too… I am thinking maybe new bedding in the master and then the settee can go in there… maybe when they have another additional % off or my birthday coupon in September (if it's still there.) As for the vacay over sunglasses, I know what you mean. I forgot to add that I have a HARD time buying things for myself- the house, no problem, but me, I feel selfish, too, so I know where you are coming from. 🙂
This is so me! I can totally relate to you with feeling guilty about investing in things for myself. The biggest one I struggle with is clothes. I could really use some new clothes/better quality clothes, but I can't seem to get over the guilt of buying them. I end up returning them. Why? I don't know. I am glad you blogged about it all, so I don't feel alone with this constant struggle.
it's one of my main reason I stick to good basics (I mean because the fact that I truly love to dress in black, grey, and blue)— they last that much longer. I don't want to buy something (anything) that I won't want in a few months.
Girl, take my word…..take care of YOURSELF! I pretty much worked myself so hard the last 10 years that I've had several little health issues popping up. I know all the stress has taken a toll on my body and mind. Last year, I decided to take a part-time job instead of continuing full time. This part time position has been the best thing ever for me and my health! I'm not even bothered by less money because I feel so much better on a daily basis.
haha yeah, taking on the cookbook was def a labor of love (still unfinished) cause I'm def not making money back with the time and supplies spent. But once it's done I know we can all go back to simplicity— family always comes before money over here. Always has 🙂
I am so much the same way! I don't know when to stop, and when I run myself out of fuel I feel so discouraged for it. We have to learn to be good to ourselves!
I've had more green juice and salads to make up for it lately, that helps, right? 😉