So yeah, it’s funny, to want those things and believe in those things so badly– and then basically have to give them up for the past few months in order to share them with others. That part has been hard on me. Harder than my self doubt, harder than the long hours, or money spent— I can self justify those things to an extent— The part that has been hard, really hard– has been putting those important things to the side. I’ve very quickly learned, even more than before, how important those things are to my and my happiness. And more than that, I’ve learned, I’m not good at faking it. There’s no fictional story here, it’s not a fairytale. I’ve learned I’m good at sharing what I know, what I do, my life. But staging things to create a story in three months time (or ever), I’m not good at that. I’ve been struggling to share what I love about our growth and the process of our quiet enjoyed days, without the actual process existing anymore. I’ve never been and will never be good at creating a romantic story within a struggle. I’ve gained a new love for my blog in this process. Silly maybe, but as of now, it’s one of the biggest gains— learning more of what I need and what I love, in “work”. I’ve always liked this space, but now, I’ve grown to appreciate it even more. I’ve learned in this process that I am proud of what I’ve created, just by living my life, unchanged, with the people who are in it.
In hindsight, I would not have signed up to do this on on my own. Even without the blog and without the (very loving and patient) kid. Creating each recipe, cooking each meal as many times as possible, cleaning up, styling, prepping, photographing, (or should I say learning to photograph), recipe testing and re-creating, documenting, 70,000+ words, 125 recipes, and some how finding a way to include myself in pictures, when I’m the only one here to take them— well, it’s been a learning and growing challenge. I’m thankful to push myself, I’m thankful to learn more about what I can and cannot do. And I do know I’ve learned (very well) in my lifetime that the struggle is often time a very real part of self growth.
The time is closing in now, and realistically this might be my last progress post for a while here. The time that has passed by, well it’s time passed, there’s no going back. It’s now (very quick) water under a bridge. Will everything meet my perfectionist standards in this book by the deadline? No, maybe not. I’m one person, trying to take on the job of too many. But the love is there— and the yearning for family and the importance of connection to food with family and with our kids (my kid, all kids)— well it’s stronger than ever. I’m so very much looking forward to going back to the things I love the most. To the people I love the most. To quietly spending our time making slow (and quick) meals. To once again actively being part of every single reason I wanted to put this book together in the first place– real meals filled with love and nourishment. I do hope that my time and effort has allowed me to share that with all of you. Those things are important to me. I hope that even through my struggle, that I can help you fall more in love with these ideas too, once they get out there.
I will, without regret, be spending the next three days with my family (and our friends) and in love with our cooking, farm visiting, and travel adventures— before coming back to the last two weeks of the biggest project I’ve ever taken on.
What’s the quote? “I can’t do this, but I’m doing it anyway”
I’m doing it anyway.
I hope you all have an amazing, inspiring weekend— hopefully doing the things you love best and fighting for the love you believe in.