I’m not sure what clicked tonight, but something inside said that I should just sit down and write. It’s been a while, guys. I mean, I post everyday– 5 to 6 times a week— thats a lot of work and takes up a lot of time(!), but I still feel like I’m not sharing much of myself (my soft squishy insides) but it’s not intentionally by any means. I think I’ve just let my work and fun side take over, without letting my emotional side out. I play play play and work work work (I think thats what they call “living”) but there’s not much to pour my inner guts out about. Which, let’s be honest here, is a good thing. No, not a good thing, an amazing thing. I mean, the days (nights) I opened up the most in the past, were the days (and nights) I struggled the most. I was overworked, like now, but instead (of choosing to intentionally and happily over work myself like I do now), I was just emotionally over-worked. I am and have always been one of those people who want all or nothing– that goes for emotions too. And when emotion finally comes in (or out), it really comes in— the sad and luckily, the happy. I’ve always worked hard on myself (too hard) to find a balance on the outside in order to be happy (and less anxious) on the inside. But now, as I’m settling into my older self (that feels funny to say) and all the outside necessities seems to be set in place, I’ve also learned how to refine my inside. Well, still learning, because growing never stops, right? If you’ve stopped growing, you’re doing it wrong. I mean, does that make any sense? Or does this all feel out of context? I’ve had a few very subtle and quiet reality checks this summer. The book was hard, but it made me appreciate this space even more. And this bit of traveling that we just finished doing? I don’t know— it was just so good. Okay, some personal external parts were hard, but overall, it gave me insight to what is good around me.
I feel like a lot of us typically look at the good around us and it becomes this comparison of the greener, greener grass. Sometimes the good can make us itch with questions and sometimes doubts— is what I have enough? Is it better there? Am I enough? This time away from home gave me the ability to look at the much greener (and temperately cooler) grass. And instead of leaving me with questions of “is my lawn green or flower covered enough?” (it’s not, it’s literally kind of brown and wild flowers aren’t abundant in summer), it left me feeling grateful for my own (hypothetical) green grass. And what I feel is even more important than my gratitude, is that is left me not envious or questioning of myself and my space, but instead: inspired by all I saw. Travel is good for that.
I’m seeing a lot of amazing people doing amazing things— and the more I get out there and open up to it, the more I’m getting back. Yes, there are many others with a lot more than what I have or my family has, but you know what? I wouldn’t change a thing of what we have or ask for
to be given more. I love what we have. And the only thing I really want more of right now is time— because I do more want more— lots more— but only in the sense that I want to be able to DO and accomplish more. But even without the possibility of endless time, I’m okay with it all. I’ll never have all the time in the world, but I am excited to use the time I have (as much or as little as it may sometimes be) to keep enjoying this…… continuous refinement growing. Sure, I still have mild anxiety, a skin mustache that comes and goes (I mean, it’s mostly gone, but give me a full day in the sun without sunscreen and forget it, we’re back to square one. womp womp), and I feel like there may or may not be a possible rat living in the walls of my house (I could also be hearing things, because I have minor paranoia)— but I’m happy here.
If I don’t take a moment to sit and spit out my thoughts in this space, it’s not because I don’t want to, because, I really really do, it’s just that, well, unless I’m in all the emotions, it’s hard for me to dig deep and create stories within these happy times. I’m not the sappy kind, you guys who have been reading for a while know that— so it’s a bit of a stretch for me to create romantic stories about how the earth is blooming beneath us. (It is though, isn’t it?). The sap and the sentimental bits, it’s just not like me. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I cry happy tears from time to time, and I often sit back and I’m like “whoa, the earth is good, how did I get so lucky?” but those moments— they’re the quieter inside moments. On the outside I’m a mix between deer caught in headlights, composed statue, and a black ball that spews out floral rainbows— with a bag of sarcasm to sprinkle everywhere— but on the inside, I joke that my heart is black, but I’m still soft, squishy, and full of love. (The coffee didn’t work today, thats the best visual comparisons I could think of). So the earth is blooming (figuratively) and will be (literally) and I am grateful for it.
I’m still asked often how I made this space grow into a business, and to be honest, I’m not quite sure, but holy hell, I’d be lying if I said I’m not thankful it has. This space (more specifically: you guys) have been here with me in the hardest times and seeing me through the good times too. And I just can’t explain enough gratefulness that I am able to just sit down and spit out (rainbow spew) my thoughts on a random tuesday evening in my life. I’m not an easily moldable person, I’m a bit too stubborn and a bit too off beat, but I do believe there is a space for everyone—and I know I’ve found mine here.
So yeah, I’m not to sure what sparked this sit down session with my laptop tonight— I’ll be honest, I always second guess when I hit publish on these sorts of things— but in the end—- to have this freedom to grow, change, live, and of course share— as painful or embarrassing as it can be at times— well, it has made my life better.
Thanks for inspiring me and helping me grow.
^ &a real life face halfie (taken at my moms last week) for your evening— cause my friends joke (completely call me out) that it’s all I ever do. It’s true.
Happy Tuesday 😉