I can count on one hand the number of good days I’ve had since coming here to Massachusetts. Not that all other days were bad, they haven’t been. But the days that I’ve been feeling well enough to make it out of the house for our usual adventures— they’ve been small numbered.
It’s been hard to sort of give up this year. Give up all the things I wanted to do, hoped to do, and planned to do. Vacations, adventures, days filled with nothing except maybe my feet up and maybe a glass of wine or cocktails. Days filled with so many plans I wanted to complete– for no one but myself. And so on. But I will say, I’ve learned a lot more patience this year than any other year. I think I said this last year too— but this year, I’ve really had to learn how to be patient with the things I cannot control– or have very little control over. I knew, or learned to know that being upset or stressed wasn’t going to get me feeling better— thats not how stress or the body works. So I’ve really had to take the time to breathe in and out in this weird, confusing, and outrageously inconvenient time. Lucky for me, I’ve had plenty of time— haha.
So yeah, there’s one hand filled with the really good days that I’ve had. And of course— I took pictures for all of them, haha. That only makes sense, right? I will say, having these days so limited made me that much more grateful in each moment. On this day, well over a month ago, we played it by ear. Doing what the weather and my body would allow. We picked up miss Katie-o— who you might remember from the cruise or one of my birthdays and (one of) the most awesome kids she nanny’s for and we made our way to one of my absolute favorite states, rhode island. I felt slow and shaky most of this day, but good. And I was with people I love so much. And really, thats all I can ask for right now.
a blurry katie photo by a child and fooooood! &&&I actually went to a restaurant and ate food and felt, like, okay! stomach pain, but thats whatever at this point– I felt okay! Of course the tacos, sandwiches, and french fries weren’t mine though. I ate the non indulgent quinoa and veggies.
We ended our day finding a random park and opening up the tie we bought for Emily to fly. The adults all tried different ways to make the kite fly and it was failed attempt after failed attempt. At one point Emily just the lead and ran for it— we tried to be like “no, wait!” but she didn’t stop to think and took off. And you know what? The kite flew— pretty damn well. Just another lesson that adults think and over think way too much and sometimes it’s good to just dive in. Thanks for that, Emily.
So whats going on now? The herbs have helped a bit with energy and they seem to slowly make a difference. There hasn’t been any drastic downs since starting them (which has been appreciated). I also started an anti-fungal a few weeks after the herbs and the difference it has made is huge. Slow and painful at first– I definitely felt worse before I felt better, but each day feels a bit better than the last. I still have random aches and pains— and occasional moments where I feel like I’ll just collapse, but the fog in my head seems to be dissipating and overall my energy is better. I’m just hoping that this time it actually lasts— I’ve had to deal with a lot of hopeful thoughts that were squashed by another ‘down’— but I am hoping and thinking that this time it wont be like that. That’s really all I can do at this point. It’s been a hell of a long year— but I’m still here, hoping to push through the bullshit and get back to a life full of good days again. Like this one.