I’m sort of forcing myself to sit down and write right now. My motivation is terribly low, even though I do have ten million thoughts I want to spill out lately. But just like I force myself to get outside a little bit each day or to make future vacation plans… I’m forcing myself to write. I believe you’ve gotta have a good balance and self awareness to know when it’s time to be like “no, you can do nothing and rest today” and “stop being lazy, make stuff happen” you know? Well, I’m trying each and every day to force myself to do something. I think I’ve said it recently, but I’ve been in a constant state of sick lately. It started with our trip to disney world— and hasn’t gone away since! Regardless (and especially) now I’m trying to push myself to get out despite it. I feel like I have improved a lot. But also, I feel like I’m just trying to train myself to toughen up. There are still days that I feel like I’m absolutely going to collapse, but I push through and put a smile on and try to be okay despite the feeling. It’s not so bad, you know? Not ideal by any means, but at least I feel like I’m living again.
We got to spend a lot of family time together this week. Passing around germs, getting outside a bit, cuddling, just enjoying time together. It was a pretty good week. Alex and I talked a bit more about the future… five year plans and such. Or maybe 10 year plans… or maybe 20– I don’t know— we didn’t really put a timeline on our plans, we just want to do them, someday. We got to sit and talk about all the different things we’d like to have happen or all the possibilities we can make happen. I know I’ve mentioned it here, but we’ve always talked about a restaurant or cafe bakery. We still talk about those things. We talk about owning shops (a shop) as well. Other than commitment issues, I’m all for it. For Alex, well, he’s less of a jump into things person and is slow for big decisions. You know, a steady bull. I’m just happy to be in a place where the future doesn’t scare me as much— it’s not some unknown place of “how will I be in a year?”— I really feel like a year will make all the difference. It took me six long months to feel human, but the jump from before to now is large and I imagine the jump from six months to a year will be even better. Maybe I will get what I hoped for, being better than before. Only time will tell.
Alex and I have been doing really well. It was tough for both of us in this mess, but he’s really been so supportive in this. Though he could work on listening to me when I say, “don’t kiss me”— cause he definitely woke up with a nice and sore throat after giving me a big ole’ makeout smooch. (Shoulda listened). The other day we went on a date (out to eat. in a restaurant. like real people) and he started telling me about his conversations at work. And how he’s one of maybe two or three who are actually married. And how the folks often ask, “How did you know she was the one?” and he told them, “There was just no one else like her. She is completely different than everyone else I’ve ever met. From the way she eats, to what she wears, to how she decorates, her personality, she’s unlike any other.” And without meaning to, he really gave me one of the biggest compliments he could have given me this year. I’ve never fit in a cookie cutter box (I think at this point thats pretty obvious), and it just feels really good to be so loved for that. I’m not exactly sure why I’m sharing this, I really have no reason to, other than it was a really great thing to hear and it meant a lot to me. It feels good to have our family working so well. I thought being a single mother would be the hardest thing in my life… but now I can sit here, look back, and look forward, and see how well life turned out. Then for sure, this illness has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through… but now I can finally see myself making stride out of it. And it feels good. With enough determination and a bit of hope, the hard shit definitely passes.
Anyway, I just wanted to come here and write SOMETHING. ANYTHING. Let’s call it ‘a practice in motivation’ 😉 And like I said, I do have a lot more thoughts to spill, but as the clock is steadily ticking to midnight, I know I’m quickly losing brain steam. I better save my thoughts for another day, with more energy. Weather allowing, this week will be filled with getting our garden back together (it’s a shit show out there), cooking, a spa day with my lady Laura, last minute part prep for miss M and whatever else happens 🙂 Also, I hope you guys like random photos of our random family adventures— because I feel like theres a lot of that coming up this week. A photo overload maybe 😉
I hope you guys had an amazing weekend. I accomplished exactly what I said I would—- a bit of nothing and a bit of yoga. I forget what else I said I would accomplish— but apparently it just wasnt that important 😉 Happy monday, friends. Thanks for being here.
ps. sorry if the title was misleading. After hitting publish I realized it could be a great title for an April fools joke. No future babies planned <3<3
pps. I FREAKING ATE CAKE. On our date night, we totally shared a vegan/gf chocolate cake!!!! Can you believe it? I went from eating sole pureed foods, to THIS, to CAKE. (I don’t even like cake, but I don’t care).