we had the rug wrong side up anyway. flipped it over, out of sight out of mind.
monsters. and butterfly.
we went to a weed foraging/eating class. she lasted the whole 4+ hours, no complaints.
banana + monkey
(pineapple cocktail making)
they visit everyday.
did I post this already? its old.
So, its been a tough week to say the least. Emotionally, its been a disaster. More than anything, I think I’m sad about being sad. I can normally turn to stupid humor when I’m down, but even that has been a challenge this week. Physically, I’m okay— considering. I just wish I could shake this year off of me. I wish I was one of those people with an uncrushable spirit. I’m not. I’ve reached a limit again. I’m good at pushing people away. And I think this year with the combination of my health + friends moving + friends closing me out or not caring at the very beginning of this mess + me just shutting down and out, well, I don’t know, I feel especially alone lately—- or lonely— I can’t tell. Either way, parts of it are my fault. I just feel like it’s been seven months too long and I don’t want to bring anyone down with all my ridiculous health crap anymore. I know thats not how life works, and the people who care about me will be there through the good and the bad (thank you for that), but I’m tired of being in the bad and the bad. Within one year I went from the absolute happiest I could have been and have ever been to some of the saddest. And it’s not good for anyone. Alex asked me the other day how I was feeling and all I could respond was, “frustrated.” He asked, “why, is it because you’re asking yourself ‘why me?’ and you feel like you don’t deserve this? Because thats okay, I know I would feel that way.” And I realized—- and I told him, no. Never in this did I really question why me or think I don’t deserve this. Plenty of unfortunate things happen to people who don’t deserve them. This included. I’m no different. This happened because it happened, but I just want it to be over by now. I keep trying to focus on all the good things– playing them in my mind on repeat, but like I said, it’s been hard this week. I feel like the best thing I can do is just try to wallow one more day by myself and then try again to pick myself up and carry on. Giving myself permission for one more day— and then I’ll try to start again.
I’m looking forward to the weekend. I’m hoping to start this week over, even if it’s already at it’s end. I hope you guys all have an amazing weekend too. And if theres anything at all bumming you guys out, that you can wallow for a minute, then move forward too. Happy friday friends.
ps. / side-note: I’m calling to cancel my endoscopy/colonoscopy. Not for fear (though, it does still make me nervous), but just because I’ve spent thousands on thousands of dollars this year on my health and it hasn’t made much of a difference at all. And with insurance not covering this one, well, I don’t see myself justifying another 1,100$+ on a test that I believe will show little to nothing of importance. Maybe if I had more faith in the procedure and the outcome, sure. But for me, right now? This month? I’ve already spent 500$ on doctors things this week alone and I can’t imagine spending that much more on another health test. Pass. Maybe another time. Maybe instead, I’ll just take a personal day and lay out on the beach by myself. Ocean therapy. Cheers, friends.