I’ve always wondered if it was strange that Marlowe had zero attachments. Not one doll, blanket, book, item— nothing at all. She loves her toys and happily plays with most of them all day long, but is so easily able to say goodbye to any of them— happily. Would that make her a disconnected person? Is she a disconnected person? There’s a seemingly weird grey line between having zero attachments and being disconnected. But I guess the reality is that she seems even more connected through being unattached. This last year I’ve quickly realized, I’m completely the same. I love my house endlessly, I know it’s beautiful. I care for it and care after it, but I have no attachments to any of my possessions. I give away things at the drop of a hat. With any friend and visitor— I’ve handed off items. “I love this blanket, I love this mug, I love this and this and this….” and I pass it along, “take it! no really, if you love it, take it” It’s not that I don’t see the value in the item. I very obviously do, but if someone else loves it and finds joy in it, they should have it….. too. I’ve cried about two lost items— that I can remember. One, was a pair of sunglasses that I left behind while pregnant. I left on a table, was too lazy to go back, and cried endlessly when I realized how stupid and silly I had been. We can also file that under *pregnancy hormones* and I cried— or almost cried when I realized I lost the stone in my my grandmothers ring. The band itself would later get stolen when we were robbed this year, but the stone was gone long before. That one hit a soft spot in my heart. Everything else, I hold on to, because I see no reason to part with, but if needed, I could say goodbye without regret. It took me almost 31 years to realize how little attachments I have.
Each time I leave this country, I find it harder to come back. I was gone only eight days and I’m finding difficulty in the adjustment. Only eight days and there’s a struggle to find comfort back here. I’m finding that no matter how many plants I add to my house, it will never make up for the lack of nature I feel. I still feel too separated from real earth. I’m grateful for my home, free flowing water, the conveniences that many overlook— but I can’t push past this feeling. I no longer want my air-conditioned box. The culture of it. I’m tired of living in it– where and when I want to leave, that I must step into another air-conditioned box to then make my way to someone else’s air-conditioned box. But wait, I can’t emphasis enough how I don’t at all ever take this luxury for granted— I think about this every.single.time I pour myself a glass of water— right from our sink, into a filter, and purified and clean into my body. It’s a luxury and I’m lucky for it. And I know many would look at me and not understand or think I’m crazy, but I’d trade so many of these luxuries and conveniences to really connect with the earth and the people truly living in it. I understand why, overtime, we humans moved into boxes. Shelter, protection, and after we were satisfied and unsatisfied with that, we created comfort and luxuries for our boxes. I get it. There’s common sense in all of it. We live longer, have less fears and predators, we are mostly safe here in our tiny (or giant) boxes. But this transition didn’t come without a downside for our species. We too often forget that we are animals too. That nature is part of us. That our bodies were created and have adjusted with nature. We weren’t designed to sit inside and breathe filtered air 98% of our days. Yes we change and advance, but not to that point. We overlook that our bodies are made up of millions upon millions of living bacteria— that we are in fact the air we breathe, the water we drink, the food (or toxins) we eat, that we are truly part of the dirt. Whether you believe that we were created naked, in the likeness of god, or that we have evolved to man as a species, the point is still the same— we have and should always remember that we are part of nature. We are not separated from it, designed to live alone in boxes.
(I started writing a post a few weeks ago— I told you guys I felt a shift, and I can still feel it. Maybe more than ever before. And well, to be honest, the post is still fitting and relevant… but I don’t want to be completely all over the place. Just a little. I’ll post that soon anyway. But this is part of the shift.)
I’ve been asked time after time in interview after interview about my life and my pull towards natural living, my pull towards textiles, colors, gardening, and other cultures— and I would never have the adequate words or thoughts to explain my draw. But now I’m seeing— fully— that I’m just trying to create the world I want to live in. The problem is that I’m finding that no matter how much I pull these things in around me, it won’t ever fulfill me completely. I can try to live it and be it as much as I want, but I’m still too separated from all of it. Every time I leave, I see this more clearly. With each trip away, a part of me awakens again– that pulls me towards something else— but what? A different way of living, I guess. A different culture, a gateway for an easier connection. (Does this even make any sense?)
I love the life I have, I know it’s wonderful, valuable, one of a kind, but I’m hoping to find a way to really exist. Yes to be here, typing away on this big bright shiny screen, but to also, in someway, feel the real connection that lives within us and in nature.
Maybe it’s the fever (literally and figuratively) typing… who knows. I have loads of photos to share from our trip. I think it goes without saying, I loved it. Even quiet, more solemn Alex enjoyed it and laughed and smiled a good deal too. We both can’t wait to go back with little miss M. We’re already making plans. And she’s asking for it everyday too. I hope you guys had a great week. And if you celebrate it, I hope you had a wonderful Easter too. I had big plans to see friends all weekend long, but found myself sick again. But I’ll share that ramble^ for another day.
Have a wonderful week, friends. Sorry if I’m all over the place.
ps. thanks for sneaky shot, alex. looks like I’m do for a haircut 🙂