Sorry for the crickets lately, guys. I don’t know, I mean, it hasn’t been complete radio silence, but I’m stilling the habit/pattern of blogging 4-5 times a week– so when I go about 5 days without a post, it feels weird.I’ve been trying hard to focus on feeling better lately. I mean, I’m ALWAYS focused on feeling better, but especially in the past few days/weeks. I don’t know what happened this month, but my body isn’t really doing a great job at feeling good/normal lately. It’s been rough. And especially now, after getting really sick, it’s really emotionally rough when I don’t feel good. I get a giant self esteem hit every time. I don’t know how to explain it. I just really like to feel good, on top of things, useful, functioning, all the productive things– but when I feel ill, I feel worthless or less than. I don’t know, its hard. It’s hard to be putting so much time and effort into recovery and still not feel amazing two years out. Two years this week really. I think I went into the hospital about two years and a week ago. crazy, right?
On top of focusing on my health, I’ve been just taking it easy and focused on my friend laura– she get married in just a few days. And I don’t want to feel bad for that. I want to feel really good for that. This past weekend was her bachelorette weekend— and it was good, but also hard for me to get away. Good because I got to spend the weekend with wonderful weekend, celebrating one of my favorite people, but hard because I haven’t been feeling great and I want to fully feel good to fully enjoy the moments going on around me.
It’s also a bit strange for me because this was really my first bachelorette experience and this is really the first time in 11 years of me being completely sober. I obviously didn’t drink during my pregnancy, but outside of that I’ve always been a social drinker– I enjoy going out, having a few drinks, dancing until whatever hour– and I miss that since getting sick. I just don’t have the energy to stay up late and party— even if I’m not drinking. But yeah, I stopped drinking this year. It just isn’t worth it anymore. Honestly, since getting sick, I hardly ever even feel drunk or tipsy or whatever— and then I’m useless for a week after a night out (3 drink max). It’s so crazy. So yeah, I stopped drinking. And honestly, I wouldn’t mind it so much if I felt better– but when you’re walking up with s group of girls who have been enjoying drinks the whole day before and you feel just as beat up as them– if not more beat up, it’s sort of a giant WTF is wrong with me feeling moment.
So yeah, my main goal this week is to focus on feeling good for Laura’s big day, Saturday. I just want to enjoy it, dance all night, and feel good.
But in the meantime— I might actually have to go in for a tooth extraction tomorrow. The dentist might have an open spot, if not I’ll be waiting till after the wedding and hoping my tooth isn’t actually infected. I’m dreading it, but I know I need to get it done. I’m always wondering if that tooth is whats causing so many symptoms this month. I’m not sure. I guess we’ll find out. I’m worried that I won’t recover in time for the wedding, but I know that teeth problems, especially infections are not something to mess with. And I obviously can’t risk taking antibiotics again– I can’t risk it and my body certainly couldn’t take another antibiotic hit, c. diff or not. Really, a lot of my health problems happened after my dentist visits from hell 2.5 years ago. Do you guys remember that time? Where every other week I was basically complaining about my dentist experience from hell? I mean, obviously my body REALLY shut down with the c. diff, but it was slowly getting worse after the dental mistakes. I’ve been working on fixing all those problems this past year with a better dentist and diet (my teeth have not at all gotten worse or any signs of cavities from changing to the high fruit, low fat diet by the way—-I know some of you guys have asked). So yeah, I’m reallyyyy hoping this helps. If not, I don’t know. All I know is that I’m going to keep going. Random set backs will happen– but I’m still going to believe that I will feel great one day.
I know I feel better than before. And that has to be good enough for now.
I hope you guys had an amazing weekend. Mine was really great– poor health and all, it was really nice spending time with great people, with no agenda other than relaxing, enjoying, and celebrating. Grateful for it. The vibe in the air has been superrrrrr weird today. I cried, a few times really. And we came home to a really reallyyyyyy weird situation. I don’t really have details to share yet, because in all honesty, we don’t know whats going on, but we do know there was a bad accident in our neighborhood when we weren’t home. We’re all safe and good and our house is totally fine, but something happened today. Like I said, I don’t know whats going on, but we find out tomorrow.
Wish me luck on this tooth thing, if it happens tomorrow. I have a giveaway coming up for you tomorrow (or next day) and a line of beautiful photo posts too. I mean, I’m biased, but I think their beautiful photos 😉 So YAY!
ps. I’ve done reallyyyy well sticking with my no buying of clothes unless their organic or sustainable. Those jeans^ were the last thing I bought before I made the pact. And honestly, EVERY single day I want to buy a second pair because they are so damn comfortable, but I haven’t yet. (this is the body suit— also purchased before the year)I think I’m going to have a nice organic clothing giveaway for you guys soon too 🙂 If not soon, then for mothers day, k? Okay, I should hit the sack, life is super weird and I need all the rest I can get right now. Hope you guys are well <3