Gosh, I’m not even sure what write. I’m sort of in a funk to be quite honest. So many thoughts and emotions lately. I want to feel better– great. I’ve been emotional. It’s not super common for me. Or maybe not emotional but nostalgic? I’m not sure. I’ve changed the title of this post three times already. From a fun trip, to health talk, and now emotions. Honestly, I think I just get more emotional when I’m sick. For reference: it’s Saturday night and I’ve been sick since friday, maybe Thursday– I don’t remember.

I’ve written a million blog posts in my head this week. Some were award winning, I swear. But as I sit here, I’ve got nothing. I’m emotionally overwhelming myself. A combination of fears, concerns, excitement, hope, and more. And I want to write something meaningful— like all the powerful words I typed in my mind last night– but I also just want to close out of this box and turn on mindless tv and completely tune out.

I’ve been thinking more and more about video-ing lately. Not because I want to become a vlogger— but because maybe some things are better said out loud. And maybe some emotions are better described visually. And maybe because I feel like you guys will know me better– and I’d like that, because thats what this space is partially for.  But I don’t know. The reality is, I might just clam the F up when the button is clicked. I can hardly make it in front of a photo. But thats another topic for another time.

Things I want to post about:
Big, exciting (life changing) news I have. (soon).
Weight.
Veganism.
Boobs and health. Health and Boobs.
Alex, maybe.
So many food posts!
So many vacation photos!
And social media qualms.

Right now, I can’t focus. I want to always feel good and better.

One of the things I appreciate most about Celia and Nick (the kiddos I went on this trip with) is that they, like me, also seem to be in a movement of growth. I’ve recently realized that the people I get along best with, or the people I enjoy most, are striving to grow and change. We all have a lot of room for growth, so why not use it?

I keep stopping this post to break. To breathe. Maybe to pout. I’m not sure. To be honest, I’m not sure what to do when I’m in these moods— do I just post my happy pictures from a happy time like there is no problem? Or to I just confess my mood and pour it all out over a post that deserves happiness? This post deserves an uplifting tone that I just don’t have in me right now.

So let me get out one of the problems I had with this trip, then suck it up, and move on to the happy stuff, yes? Food is hard for me now. You guys know this. I mean, physically it’s hard, but emotionally it can be really tricky too. I hate feeling like the crutch for anything. And with food I feel it often now, since I got sick.  At home I’m fine. I can make food for me and friends with no problems. But out? And while traveling? Man it can be tough at times. I’m finally okay being “the vegan chick” (I had my own share of qualms with that label before, but more on that on another post) but now I’m not just the vegan chick when dining out. I’m the vegan with gluten, nut, and corn allergies. I’m the one people have to worry about when at a restaurant . And I hate it. I don’t want to be the problem. I want to be the good parts of life, the exciting parts, you know? There have been a handful of moments since getting sick where I’ve wanted to let out tears at a restaurant– where it’s been hard for me knowing I have little to no options. It’s hard because I don’t feel good about my health (self conscious feelings from it) and its hard because I know it can be difficult on others. Tricky tricky tricky, you know? In Chicago it was mostly okay. There was a moment or two where I internally squirmed. And there were definitely moments where I ate things that I wouldn’t eat at home, like pre-mentioned messy diner like food. But it was okay.

One of the things I really like (or usually really like, there are a few times where I was totally caught off guard and felt bad after– my own fault not any one else’s) is running into people who read my blog. I’m terribly awkward (no surprise to any one) but despite that, I’ve met some of the sweetest people ever. Or like in this case, I met Jahaila  for like a second– and then her kid stole the entire conversation with her cuteness. Man, I wish I was half as outgoing as her kid. If you’re looking for some cuteness you can check out Jahalia + her family HERE.
Honestly, most of the time you guys don’t come up to me. I get messages after the fact saying that you saw me—but if I’m being totally honest, I much prefer an actual hello 🙂 I don’t have a problem with the after-the-fact hellos by any means– they’re great too– but I think they make me feel more self conscious, haha! I prefer a hello or even a wave for sure 🙂

Okay guys, at this point I’m totally giving up on this blog post— it’s glitch after glitch after glitch with wordpress today. I think my blog is trying to be like me now— a bit all over the place and not totally put together and making sense. Ya? Ya.

But hey look, a stranger (sorry I took your picture stranger, I’m creepy) + my loves celia + nick. hooray.


We headed into the gay pride event in Chicago. We made a lot of plans on Sunday. We were going to go to gay pride, then lunch, then back to the mamby beach festival— and some of it worked out well– and some of it not so much. Like, we did end up going to gay pride, but it was sort of a sh*t show— the most disorganized one I’ve been to yet. So we basically showed up, walked through, and walked out and right back to the train.

Then we thought— ‘well, we might as well check out downtown– let’s go to a bar, hang out, and then go to the festival’. But the truth is, we never even ended up making it to the festival. Instead? We found a freaking mariachi event?!  AMAZING. So amazing. We saw a mariachi group walk by when we were visiting the bean… and we did what any normal group of people would do: follow them. Haha.

And that for sure, is my favorite part of traveling. Half of everything worked out. The stuff that didn’t work out so well, was still great– and the unexpected stuff that worked out? It was amazing. We sat in the park with 20,000 (!!!) people watching the largest mariachi events in the United States. Mostly surrounded by Mexicans embracing their culture– but also by some crazy crazy Colombians. And I turned to Celia and said, “why are all Colombians SO crazy?!” and she responds, “I don’t know, its why I love you though” haha. I’ll take it.

Afterwards we headed to an Indian restaurant to eat (and froze the whole way there and back). We then went into our evening on a rooftop bar— sitting around a fire pit and meeting *one a half million people*  because apparently people from Chicago (or people traveling to Chicago) are some of the friendliest people ever. I also got told that I should go home and clean up if I planned on going dancing that night. And that was I was a 3 maybe (you know, on a good looking scale), but when I put down my hair I was a 6—- all this from a guy who genuinely thought he was trying to compliment me. Good times, eh? haha. But it was actually. I thankfully found the whole thing hilarious.
We ended the night in a small jazz bar waiting until 1 am for a reggae band to go on. We we were *SO SURE* that they were going to be the best reggae  band in the world that we had just discovered. They sure weren’t, haha. But it was amazing and a great time nonetheless.

The next day? Well, we all wore matching Hawaiian shirts —because thats what people do in Chicago, right? I don’t know, but there is a HUGE tiki culture in Chicago apparently, because I saw more people wearing Hawaiian shirts there than I have anywhere else— even in Hawaii maybe haha.

Aloha from Chicago– because Hawaiian shirts should be paired with a Hawaiian restaurant, right?
My boo— and if you look closely, you can see all our luggage too. I ended up buying Hawaiian print luggage after this trip too— why? Well, for one: I needed new luggage. Two, it was a life time warranty. And three, maybe to relive my teenage years when I had the brightest blue Hawaiian luggage ever. Maybe.
This was not especially delicious, haha. But the restaurant was pretty and the windows were open so it made up for overload in salt.

We then jumped on the train and made our way to the airport. One of the funniest things may have been traveling back all together in our matching Hawaiian shirts. You’d think we all came back from Hawaii together. We didn’t.

It was also hilarious when I got asked if I had spent my weekend at the electric forest. At the airport there was an influx of people who were obviously coming from or going to some music festival– so much tie dye, so many hula hoops and interesting outfits. So for some guy to assume I was there too– well, I enjoyed it. I don’t know, the whole trip was filled with moments that were completely and totally hysterical. Even the guy who told me I was “a 6 with my hair down”. I know I truly am hardest on myself. That the things that bring me down the most are all my own thoughts. And that I don’t always struggle with the squirmy self conscious feelings, but when I do, it’s hard.

Oooof I don’t know. this blog post has been impossible for me. I think you guys can sense that. It’s always crazy to me when I sit on 5 different occasions trying to get out one post and failing. And I think “I just hope this comes together.”  I don’t think this one does– though I think it’s due to my blog glitching and me just being completely done and frustrated with the post more than anything else.

As my friend Brittany told me tonight (in no relation to this), “just stop now.”
It was good advice when she said it and it’s good advice for this blog post too. I’m not making sense and need to stop trying. Tomorrow is a new day with a new blog post and I’m certain it will be better andddd make more sense. Wish me luck, guys. Thanks. And say hi if you see me. Don’t point and look over and not come over, that makes me too insecure too. Heh. Thanks. Okay, I’m done. Bye.

wait. ps. That first image? The best right? Nick and I both got dressed and realized we were basically twins. I found it hysterical. Him… maybe not so much. But I’m finding it hilarious. Laura and I do it all the time. And Alex and I do it often. But now I’m doing it more and more with other friends, haha.

5 Comments

  1. Just throwing it out there that the rambling posts can be refreshing to read instead of something manicured because this is definitely what my brain sounds like too. And also raising my hand to feeling that “internal squirm” when I’m feeling self conscious about anything.

  2. Eager to know more about the things you want to post and especially your unique perspective on those things : ) Sending love, I hope you feel better soon.

  3. What an awesome moment to wake up and see that my daughter and I have a part in my favorite blog today!!! Thanks so much for the love girl! It means so much that it meant so much to you. After I read it to her, Zoë was very pleased with herself – she’s taking full credit, as she should ☺️
    Xo!

  4. You’re too hard on yourself. I enjoyed this post. My mind is often all over the place so I can relate. I agree with Lindsay that it is refreshing to read.

    I would totally be someone to see you and be too shy to say hi, probably. So if it ever happens I’ll be sure to act like I would with a celeb in NYC and pretend I don’t notice you, and avoid any awkwardness. Or maybe just say hi, and work on some personal growth. 🙂

    Also, I meant to comment on your IG post today referring to this, but my shyness held me back. That is some serious hair goals.

    Your always glowing and look great and you are the main reason I want to overhaul my diet and medical lifestyle. I’ve had a transplant so I’m in deep within the medical profession, stuck on medications I must take for life and not sure how to get out. But you inspire me. My point is, no way you are only a 6.. even though the rating this is ridiculous. Anyone who feels the need to give that kind of feedback to a person is probably an massive jerk and I wouldn’t take what they say too seriously.

    See, I proved I can be rambling too. You are the only blogger I still read with any regularity. Don’t be so hard on yourself! Hope you start feeling better soon. xx

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