I don’t find these pictures to be especially amazing. Nothing extraordinary by any means. But they’re real memories to value. Memories… and a mix of emotions. Our trip to New England and Canada was good— some icky parts, but overall, a really great trip. It was something we for all sure needed.
I’m such huge bubble of emotions right now. Not about this trip specifically, but in general. Health is okay– still climbing in a positive direction (it seems). Our home is a bit of a whirlwind with five to-do lists in place. Five lists with a timeline of “within the next two months”.
Gosh guys, I’m excited for the future. And perfectly content with right now.
And I guess thats the thing— or the word that sort of consumed my life for the past few months– content. It’s hard to believe that I had asked Alex to move out 8 months ago. That seems impossible. Where has the time gone? And how did we somehow get back to good? I think the real answer is that things were never bad. We never fought. I really and truly can’t tell you guys the last time we fought. I was content enough. And for me, especially since I got sick, no argument is or was worth my energy. My time and well-being became far to valuable to worry about the bad stuff. And things weren’t bad, but they weren’t great either. And regardless, I wanted him out. And honestly, it feels weird just airing this all out here now, but I guess thats what this blog has and always will be, my outlet. I don’t know. I don’t know, I just feel like I need to explain stuff so people aren’t left completely scratching their heads. To be honest, outside of keeping people up to date with my up and down life, I feel no real reason to share any of this. But I guess thats what a diary is (personal or public)– to take notes and keep your memories in track. And this is one of them. Good, bad, whatever, these are moments in my life.
And so he had moved into the guest room. You guys know this. And I asked a few more times for him to pack up and leave— and eventually one day straight out asked, “So whats your plan? To stay in that room until I change my mind so that you never have to move out?” And he admitted, “Well, maybe.”
And thats what happened.
Things never got worse. We both seemed to get to a place where we were just content.
And then a month went by and then another one. And some more. And we started planning family trips together— whether we were really together or not– because they seemed like a good idea. And they all were a good idea— something enjoyable for all of us.
And I’m not really sure how things went from okay– to good, but they did. Somewhere in that time of living, planning, and adventuring, things got better. And maybe it was gradual– so much so that I didn’t even notice. I’m not sure. But at some point between the passive tasks of wake, eat, work, live, and breath, things got better. I’ve always said it, but on paper, Alex is amazing. But maybe just not the person for me? I’ve felt too constrained and pulled back– and while part of that is certainly him, a lot of that truly is me.
“it seems you have a case of the something else might be better” — said my brother while it took me three months to pick out a camera.
“I know you’ll never make a confirmed plan and just figure it out, but…” — said my mom about traveling.
“so you can just not talk to a friend for three years, pop in and say hi, and then leave again and no one will question you because they just know that you float in and out of everything?” — said Alex about my lifelong friendships that I don’t spend time working on– on the day to day or the month to month or even the year to year.
“you don’t want to be tied down to anything” — said Alex… about well, everything in my life.
Thats me. I’ve written about it before, but commitment to anything is one hell of a thing for me. It’s part of the reason I’m so good at blogging— part of the reason I like the road vs a plane— and why I like to leave every single thing so goddamn open ended in my life.
This is me. From vacation, to week day plans, to life long events, I’m open ended. It’s not that I’m boasting about it by any means— but I certainly don’t frown on my own personality traits, it’s just the person I am. And yes, of course I’m growing. And of course I’m changing– it’s part of life in general, but it’s also in my very fluid nature.
It’s not that I need more than what I have– or that I think what I have is less than enough. I’m so grateful for all of it. But I did emotionally check out (a long, long time ago). And physically I checked out a year or so ago. But then at some point (again I’m not sure how or when this happened) I looked up and thought, maybe I should step back in this. Maybe. But being passive is so much easier than being active. We’re both guilty of letting things slip– at not working on keeping things cheery or more than content year round.
And it wasn’t until fairly recently where I thought, “Yes I am content. This is totally fine. I could do this until I die, but maybe I should make it a point to actively and tangibly step back in.” And I did.
Things feel good right now.
Like I said, I’m a giant ball of emotions, but things feel good.
Marlowe took this. A perfect description of us in one photo. Me, being, well, me. Goofy. And him asking, “are you putting up deuces, I’m not really sure thats what the cool kids do, Drea”. Haha. And to be honest, me not really sure either. But I’m going for it.
We have big plans over here. A LOT of things are changing. And I’m so excited to tell you guys about it… soon. So soon. I’m so excited I could burst really. And I’m doing everything I can to hold on to the cool calm and collected side of me while things shift (and especially before I can share my excitement).
And to be honest, no matter what the state of our relationship is or isn’t, I’m happy to move forward with him in my life. Sure, maybe sometimes he holds me back a bit— but maybe I need that too. While sometimes it feels restraining for someone like me, the truth is, it’s probably the most balancing constant I’ve signed up for. It’s just that I have a lot of life plans and a lot of big goals I want to accomplish for myself. And yes, sickness was certainly a HUGE set back. Getting sick put a lot of things on hold for me, but now, I’m feeling okay (and getting better) and I want to be sure that I start checking those big things off my to do list. And if Alex is by my side for it too? Well, there are certainly no complaints on my end. I’ll happily take it.
Things were fine. Life is good. The future will be fantastic.
Okay guys. I’m out. I’m sorry to leave you guys hanging with “big news” talk. I just want to get all my eggs in a basket sort of thing or whatever. You know what I mean. Maybe one day I should finally take the time to write while in my waking hours instead of when I’m sleepy autopilot mode and falling asleep at midnight? Maybeeeee. I don’t know, I basically feel like an extreme version of that emoji just throwing her hands up. And slap a few ZzzZZZZ’s on there too and you got me in a two emoji description.
Que sera sera.