Well, that was a weird title to type out… haha. But yes, it’s true! We’re adding another major fruit-eating, kale loving (one can hope, right?), traveling kiddo to the mix! Crazy, right?
I’m not even sure where to start or what to say. I’m sure a lot of you guys are as shocked as I feel tired now, haha. I guess this post will also help explain a bit why our Guatemala plans shifted a bit too.
99.9% of friends and family members we told:
1. Cried (tears of joy, we’ll assume).
2. Asked: was this planned or a surprise? I bet you guys are wondering the answer to that too…
Well the answer? Neither.
I guess the thing is that after I got sick I really started questioning EVERYTHING. Sickness rocked my world in all sorts of ways and I started wondering if our family would be better with another kid in the mix. I kept thinking back to Marlowe and her dealing with everything and just thinking how nice it would be now and long-term, you know, just in case. And I started getting a serious case of the “wanting what you can’t have’s” I mean, my period was all over place for 2.5 years. My hormones were a storm of chaos and nothing in my body worked properly. Baby topics started coming up. And for me, adoption a lot too. We both agreed that it would be nice to have another kid, but we didn’t know how it would affect me given the state of my body (sickness filled toxin filled dump truck— or it felt like that anyway). And even more than how it would affect me, we weren’t quite sure if it was something my body would even allow. But still, we’d pick up the topic every so often and then drop it again. But we never messed around with it too much. Just talk, no real action– and we were content this way.
I started feeling better a few months ago. A LOT better (post diet change + root canal removal). My periods seemed to mostly come back. Then I started working out… And with only ONE hour a week of weight lifting, my periods left again. Gone. Crazy, right? So I decided I would start monitoring my hormones. Not by any means to get pregnant, but just to see what was happening in my body. It’s always good to know whats up in there, right? About 3 weeks into monitoring, the app said “fertile: use protection”
And so I did the obvious thing (sarcasm)… I went up to Alex and said, “hey the hormone app said I’m fertile if you want to give it a go.”
He gave it a go.
Four weeks later, my boobs exploded into fluffy round things once again and the nausea started creeping in hard.
And here we are now…
Figuring out life, one day at a time.
So yeah, we weren’t necessarily surprised by the outcome, but we weren’t exactly planning it either. We had no idea what would happen. I mean, we’ve always known that I had been super fertile in the past, but we didn’t know what my body could and couldn’t handle after 2.5 years of illness. We didn’t know if I could get pregnant. And we didn’t know if I could stay pregnant. As you can imagine, there’s a whole mix of emotions any things going on inside of me.
Emotionally, I’m mostly keeping it together. Sometimes I get really nervous about my health and how my body will handle this situation overall, but then I remind myself that my body would have probably just failed and rejected if this isn’t something that could happen. Right? Sure. Outside of the health fears, I don’t have too many fears. My hormones are keeping me irrationally stable about everything right now… especially considering our living situation. Not only are my hormones keeping me irrationally stable, I do feel slightly bummed too. Not about the pregnancy by any means, but just overall, there’s been a slight decrease in my mood. The hormones, I’m sure. And I can’t really compare it to last time– because it very well could have happened last time, but I wouldn’t know, because last time I had real reasons to be sad. This time I certainly don’t. I’m not super depressed, my mood is just MEH. I’m hoping this changes as my hormones continue to change.
Pre-pregnancy I had real emotional fears about the situation with Alex. Not how Alex would be in the current situation… but how I would be with him because of the past situation. We wouldn’t have even entertained any of this had I had ANY doubt that he didn’t or wouldn’t want to do this. I needed to know full on that he was in completely and totally in this time. (He is). But even still, I feared that my emotions would takeover and I would keep looking to the past.
If you don’t know / haven’t been reading that long… Alex wasn’t in the picture the first time. He moved to New York when I was pregnant and I went through pregnancy and the first year and a half / two years without him. So many ups and downs and fears and thoughts of “how the hell will I ever be able to do this?” went through my mind day and night. I went to every single pre-natal visit alone, with the exception of one. I gave birth to Marlowe while he was in New York. And I think he met her one day a few weeks later… I’m not sure of exact dates. As you can naturally imagine, It sucked.
I worried that all these emotions and resentments would come up if I got pregnant again. I worried it would get in the way of a new pregnancy. I worried that anger and sadness ruin this experience too.
It hasn’t. At all. Now that we’re here in this place, I look at it as, *he wasn’t he last time, and he’s here now* and that’s it. There is no way to change the past. And that’s okay. He’s here now.
And Alex has been great. Really great. Supportive, understanding, and so completely helpful with my mass amount of food aversions and food needs lately. I haven’t even been able to eat pineapple this time around. My fruit filled world is upside down… but he’s making it better.
He is excited. Maybe more so than me even. He’s looking forward to doing all the things he missed out on. I guess on my end I have all these ideas of how the last time was… but he has a whole other side of emotions to deal with. Like, he brought up that he’s not even on Marlowe’s birth certificate. This is something that hasn’t crossed my mind in seven years and probably never would have. But it’s on his mind. He says this one will be more his kid, since Marlowe so obviously favors me, haha. I sure hope so. I wouldn’t mind a kid who is attached to his hip.
And Marlowe? Oh gosh, you guys can imagine how excited she is. One of the reasons I ever thought about having a second kid was because of sweet she is when she’s around younger kids and babies. She’s the teacher type. She’ll hold a hand, read a book, help feed, she is such a nurturing caregiver type (something I never was). Eight years is a pretty big gap, but it’s a good one too.
Yep, eight years later. Gosh, that’s almost a decade older. And I can feel it. My first pregnancy was physically easy. I had some basic morning sickness and the overwhelming fatigue for sure, but other than that, I was great. I feel pretty beat up this time. Which explains why I haven’t been blogging four to five times a week lately. But then… there was also my teeth stuff in Guatemala.
So yeah, imagine moving your family to Guatemala and within the first two weeks you find out 1. you’re pregnant 2. you have a major tooth infection that needs work/an extraction IMMEDIATELY. It was an unbearable week. We were in a one room airbnb without a kitchen. My morning sickness was slowly becoming unbearable and I had an abscess in my tooth preventing me from eating real food. And just two days earlier I had taken a three dollar pregnancy test confirming what I basically already knew to be true. I’m then taking a twenty minute bumpy tuk tuk ride to a neighboring town to meet a midwife and have an ultrasound in-between everything else. “Rough” is an understatement. I cried A LOT. Physically, I was scared of my tooth problem. But even more I was scared of how all the dental work, anesthesia, and bacteria killing drugs would affect this really new pregnancy. Hell, I’m still scared, but I’m hoping for the best.
So let’s discuss Guatemala. What happened there? Well, as soon as I found out I was pregnant, we had the question: do we stay or do we go? We opted to stay. I had already rented a home for us before we got there. So we already had a two bedroom apartment lease set up before moving there. I wasn’t discussing it too much on here, because we were actually more than likely going to be on tv about it. So I kept quiet. But then, when we found out I was pregnant, we agreed that we needed to find a better, and maybe slightly bigger place to stay in Guatemala. Something more permanent than a 6-12 month lease situation. So we started meeting with realtors to find a long-term home.
As you can imagine, this was also bit over overwhelming given our situation. We are all pretty particular about “home” over here. Alex and I like to “make home”. We’re good at nesting and making places comfortable. So the idea of us renting mediocre furnished homes started really bumming us out. But an unfurnished home was/is a really big commitment when moving to another country. So again, we asked, do we stay, find an unfurnished home, and buy all the furniture and really commit to setting this place up with a new baby on the way transitioning to a third world country? Or do we go home? We were open, but unsure.
As my pregnancy progressed, my health declined. Physically I had a really great pregnancy the first time around– like, one that you write home and shout from the roof tops about. And in the past, I had no problems with the elevation. But with this pregnancy and elevation and the high amount of continuous car pollution and whatever else, I could hardly breathe. I found myself grasping for air and out of breath trying to speak, even while lying in bed. My morning sickness was so bad that I really had no idea how I would make it through this pregnancy. I would try to leave the house for sunshine and try to get my endorphins going with a small walk and want to break into tears half the time about a block in and turn around. I was a mess.
And I knew I wanted to go home. Setting up a completely new home from scratch, being away from friends and family, and figuring it all out seemed impossibly exhausting. We had plans rot fly back to florida this week anyway to travel out of here next week, and our house headed to be open this week anyway, so we packed up all our things to come home.
We are hoping to make our way back to Guatemala. If not this year, then maybe next year. We don’t know if it’ll happen or what will happen. But now, Alex and I both agree, we’re both okay with this unexpected shift, but we’d like to make our way back. We’re both annoyed with different things coming back. For Alex his frustration mostly lies in the cost of food here in the states. For me, I’m frustrated beyond belief by the completely corrupt robbery of a medical system in the united states. It’s atrocious. (yes, I have strong emotions about it) Also, while Guatemala does have its own share of issues, I think I actually felt safer there. So yeah, being home is fine and certainly comfortable, but going back or going elsewhere would be great. Maybe next time, the Guatemalan coast though. We quickly learned that you can’t take the salty ocean loving energy out of us. The mountains are beautiful, but we belong near the sea 😉
Healthcare: well, in Guatemala we were set. Visits are priced at cost and not inflated by insurance whatever else. Despite the teeth thing sucking, I had some of the best dental care for the percentage of the cost. What would have cost me 2,500-3,000$+ here, cost me 250$ there. I also ended up meeting with a midwife in Guatemala– I wanted to be sure I didn’t have a blighted ovum like last time. (I don’t, there is intact a tiny blob in there). My ultrasound? 13$ Compare that to the 300$ I will have to spend here. Inflation much? That was another pull to stay in Guatemala for the pregnancy. But at the end of the day, I really just felt too sick there and it would have been so much work. I really want to enjoy this pregnancy. I had enough stress and fears last time around– I want a say in this one, I want to put myself in the most enjoyable experience I can this time around… because I’m lucky enough that I can. Well, we have no idea what the plan will be here yet (we canceled the insurance — or it went away when Alex left his job for our move… so now, well, we don’t know! Another thing to figure out!)
For now? Where will we be? Good question. Our house has been rented out until at least March 1st. While we realize that we could just cancel the reservation and stay here, we definitely do not plan on doing that. One, it would suck for the guest. Two, there’s just no need. Yes our plans are changing, but we’d still like this to be an adventure filled year like planned, no matter where we are. So we head out on November 25th and will travel here and there until then. We’ll head to the Caribbean, then grab our car and road trip north. We will spend Christmas with my mom and then travel through January and most of February too. We’re not exactly sure where yet– we have a few places on our radar, but nothing booked yet. France and Morocco are on our radar. But who knows. Those places will be cold, so maybe we’ll head further away to south east Asia. We really just don’t know. Then New Orleans end of February and into the first week of March. And where ever and whatever else! We are open! And just trying to making the very best out of this shift in plans, you know?
I still have all the thoughts I had when I was set on only one kid. Like, “omg we’re creating a bigger footprint that the earth doesn;t need right now” or asking myself “how will I afford plane tickets for four humans instead of three?” etc etc. But at the end of the day, I know I gave birth and am raising one earth saving animal loving kid… maybe the other kid will be dead set on this too haha. We’ll do what we can, when we can, without making ourselves crazy 😉 I’m a realist, but also a dreamer for sure. We don’t need two kids. And yes, our life would continue to be totally great without the second, but it’s exciting to see what this future will bring too.
So yeah, this story is changing and will continue to change. We’re not worried in the slightest about any of it (other than my overall health). We’re looking forward to whatever this future looks like for all of us. I’m not worried about this changing the blog too much– this is just the next step in life. Maybe some vegan pregnancy craving recipes (bbq sauce has been high on my want list haha), but I don’t know, I’m not thinking much else– unless there are specific things you want to see of course– you know I’m an open book. No ask or question is too personal of here 🙂 As you can imagine, I’m exhausted, but I do want to be here often, just like always. This space is my journal and outlet and place for connection first, and my job second. I’m just super glad I’m finally sharing this secret– I’m not good at secrets and it’s been hard to shift and change and talk about anything without sharing all the news everywhere! 😉
Alright friends. This bean in my belly is growing and I need to put myself to BED! Cheers to crazy life living. Cheers to working on enjoying every minute. Cheers to practicing gratitude every single day. Life is short, and I hope to find happiness in all of it. Thank you for being here!!