My haircut isn’t new news at this point. Actually, I just checked the date, and I’m shocked at how quickly time flew by. I thought it had maybe been a month or so, but it looks like its been more along 2.5-3 months since I chopped all my hair off! Man, time flies when your hair is short.
When I first cut my hair off, I planned to write a post about the change. Because HI, it was a big change. 18 freaking inches of change. But then I thought I should hold off a bit– live in my new (lack of hair) and see how I felt about– because the initial shock is different from living in my new hair.
You know, I needed to wait before I formed a true opinion on my hair. I mean, I’ve never been much of a wait-er– though I do find myself in the ‘waiting to decide my feelings’ place a lot lately. And this, for sure, needed time to sit and wait.
I knew I wanted to cut my hair for a while. I just didn’t know if I would regret the decision afterward or not. I went back and forth for weeks trying to figure out if I could pull the trigger or not. You guys who have been around from the beginning might remember that I did a MAJOR chop off not long after I had Marlowe.
I hated it. I mean, it was a totally different haircut and my face was so different then too, but it just wasn’t right.
After that my hair just kept growing and growing. I mean, I trimmed it about once a year, but I mostly just let it grow.
Until this year.
I had felt weighed down for a while. Heavy. Needing to purge and detox. I mean, the last three years or so have been a story of constant detox. Whether its been relationships, clothes, food, illness, material things, heavy feelings, whatever— I’ve been in the process of letting it all go.
My hair just felt like the next step. Maybe weird, but I had been sick for so much of my hair growth, that I felt like chopping it was letting go of a lot of that memory and burden. I wanted a fresh start from my past. My hair felt like my past.
But I had reservations about cutting it too– like, the fact that I had spent so much time growing it. While part of my past, it was still part of me. Silly, but my hair felt intertwined with my life and who I was. I mean, hell, it’s the focus of my current logo/branding. It’s just been a big part of me for so long now. Not to mention that Alex loves it. Which, I mean, you guys should know me well enough to know I would never change my hair (or keep my hair) or any part of me to please someone else. But it also felt hypocritical for me to not put his opinion into account when I’ve made it very clear that I like his face so much more with facial hair. I mean he’s handsome regardless, but man I love him with his bearded face. And so, it mattered.
Alex was convinced I wouldn’t go through with it. But I reminded him, this wasn’t the first time I went for a giant chop. Not even the second time in the last ten years of knowing him. My hair was almost this long when I met him. And during one of our (oh so many) breakups– I took a pair of scissors to my hair and just LET IT GO.
And then again after Marlowe.
But this time felt different. Maybe because I hated my short hair so much before, I’m not sure. Or maybe because it felt like I was letting go such a big piece of me— after I had tried to regain myself back after so long. I don’t know.
It’s just hair, but I didn’t want to regret it. I didn’t want another emotional blow.
But you know what? I cut my hair. And I really liked it. And a week later, I still liked it. And now, 2.5 – 3 months later, I’m still so very happy that I took the plunge. I cannot believe how much weight I was holding. Physical, emotional, all sorts of weight. And now it’s gone. I feel lighter, better, lifted.
It’s weird, but I feel like I’ve gained more confidence by removing my hiding shield. I feel uncovered… and open. I don’t like feeling like I was hiding. I feel new, and renewed. So for those who asked, yes, I sometimes look back at long hair photos and think, “man, my hair looked nice there!” but, even still, I’m really happy I did it. And I would totally do it again.
The past 2.5 – 3 months I’ve asked myself, “Will I cut my hair again? Or will I let it grow?” a dozen times. Alex asked me this week too. He often tells me how surprised he is by how much he truly likes my hair. But he also wants to be sure that I will have long hair again at some point too. I told him I probably he will. He said, “who am I kidding. of course you’ll have your hair long again, you’re too lazy to go to the hair salon.”
And he’s right. I am.
But I want to. Because this feels free. It feels good. And I look forward to cutting my hair again.
haircut photos by celiadluna.