I’ve had this post in draft for far too long. Its time that I unleash it. “Unleash” like it’s a wild adventurous beast for your amusement. But really, it’s not. It’s not more. Or less. It’s a collection of photos that I’ve held close to my heart and haven’t had a moment to share them.

And I want to. I really want to. It’s been sitting in draft, and tonight, like any other night, I unleash my thoughts, I’ll add my words here.

I had this thought yesterday— what if something were to happen to me? What would happen to all my photos / my words/ my posts in drafts? Would they sit there never to be viewed? Would someone in my family think to check the draft section? Would they even care to check the draft section? Or are the only posts that mattered assumed to be shared? Or do they even know I have a draft section of so many half posts?

I don’t know.

So then, my question is:

Will only the thoughts we share be seen? What happens to all our other thoughts we hold? Do they disappear, buried with us? I so often wish there were ways to transfer my thoughts, you know, outside of this space.

I mean, there is journaling. And there is conversation. And there is art– I guess that art is certainly a form of communication too. But have you ever thought about all those other thoughts you’ve only shared and conversed with yourself? Does it bother you that they’ll stay between you– and your other brain– never to be shared?

Is it weird that I want to share everything?

Because I do.

And each and every night in bed I write a novel with myself.

A novel filled with all the thoughts I want to share, but never sit to write.

These photos sit somewhere in my life story. In my past and future dreams. In my safe place. I went to therapy a few weeks ago. I told you guys, I wanted to try it. And everything was backwards. I was stoic in sharing the parts that made me hurt. Composed. Always composed. But when asked to create a safe place in my brain, the tears came down.

I cried in my safe place. My safe place was supposed to be a place that I could retreat too in my mind– a place to keep my away from anxieties. But when I went into my safe place I cried. Because my safe place is a space with both my past and future dreams– a physical place I continually dream to be.

Maybe I didn’t follow the rules.

Or maybe I only allow myself to cry in a safe place.

I’m not sure.

I read this quote tonight:

“The reason you want every single thing you want, is because you think you will feel really good when you get there. But if you don’t feel really good on your way there, you can’t get there. You have to be satisfied with what-is while you’re reaching for more.”

And this really reached me.

I think because in my dreams– in the place I want to reach– things I want and the things I have are one in the same. I have my family. And I am grateful for them each and every single day. And I’m there, of course too, but it’s a healthy strong version of me that I’ve been striving for. And I think while I’m always grateful for all the things I have around me, I don’t place enough gratitude on the body what-is right now. More times than not, and as much as I hate admitting it, I hold fear in my body. Hence the reasoning behind therapy.

I can say I’m grateful and be grateful all I want. And I say I’m okay with myself all I want— or that I’m working on it, but I actually have to find a real way to be satisfied with my body that is now.
And so I’m sharing my thoughts. And my actions too. A new mantra. I plan to set an alarm. And tomorrow morning it will remind me to be satisfied in the body I’m in now. Because I am alive.

My safe place will wait for me.


  1. Oh boy, yes! Thank you Drea for these reminders to find satisfaction, happiness even, in the here & now. “And tomorrow morning it will remind me to be satisfied in the body I’m in now. Because I am alive.” We are blessed in so many ways, but it’s easy to make grand plans for the future and believe we’ll be happier then. Nothing should make us happier than being alive today. Ugh, I really struggle with this. We’re in it together!

  2. that quote “…You have to be satisfied with what-is while you’re reaching for more.” Feeling that so much these days! The planner in me is always thinking of tomorrow. Trying to live in the now and be thankful for today has become a daily practice for me.

  3. i’ve had similar feelings before. but i’m the opposite i always worry what will happen to my journals when i’m gone – those are my private little ramblings and i would really not want anyone to see them. but i think it’s because writing in my journal is a way to process my half formed/unfinished thoughts and have a conversation with myself. sending you the strength of a million baby elephants – life works out when you focus on what matters and you seem to have that figured out.

  4. Sydni Jackson

    I had the exact same experience when I started doing emdr therapy. Exact. I was so composed when talking about my life, and then I created a safe space and I started crying – haaa! I ended up creating a safe space from my imagination that does the trick now (leaning against a big tree, twiddling the grass between my fingers, feeling the breeze, listening to the nearby stream, etc.). Do you get the enneagram institute emails? They are sooo spot-on and have revealed a lot to me about how I withhold the deepest parts of myself from people (classic 5 here).

  5. carrie knight

    I LOVE THIS!!! thank you so much for sharing, your personal story makes all of us stronger. also, i’m going to write that quote on my mirror.

  6. Dear Drea,
    I really relate to you these days. I’m full of fear and it’s kind of breaking me. I’m just scared of what’s to come you know? I’m scared that I will never be good enough to reach my goals and dreams. I am a teacher and I feel that the student’s success and understanding is somehow my sole responsibility and I just want to reach there no matter what. I want to be perfect. I want success. And every time I make mistakes I feel like a complete failure. Also, my imbalanced body is suffering every once in a while. In the end, we must love the journey. We must somehow trust and work hard but never really let that define the consequences. Everyday for us is a way we want to show more kindness and love to the world, and that is enough. It should be enough. We shouldn’t fear what would happen in the future.. it will be okay in the end. I’ve seen the world show me that countless times but I never believe it.

    It will be okay, Drea. Let us not be afraid.

  7. As someone who is also working through chronic illness, therapy is so helpful. I found somatic therapy especially helpful-it specifically focuses on working through emotions/trauma that are in our physical body so it can bridge the connection between what we uncover in therapy and how it affects our physical body. It’s so hard to be in the body when there is illness and for me, it has helped. I cannot recommend it enough. Wishing you so much strength and healing!