I’m having a few problems with blogging lately. Maybe you’ve noticed. And well, I’m not sure where I’m going from here. On one hand, I like blogging a lot. Well, most of the time, but definitely not all the time. On the other hand I’m fed up with a lot of things and maybe just feeling overall burnt out. This is maybe what I would imagine a burn out to feel like anyway. Not that I don’t have topics to write on, because I certainly do. I have so many things that run though my head that I’d love to take the time to sit and write on. But sometimes that just doesn’t work.
One problem I have is that when I fall ill (ie. typically after I’ve been gluten-ed in the past few years), my brain doesn’t work. Not at all. And this dark depression hits. And in this time period, I really, really dislike blogging– and just about everything really. But mostly blogging. Because my mind doesn’t work. And no matter how many topics I’ve had noted down to write about, I can’t. I just can’t. It’s like my brain and cognitive skills just turn into a giant pile of mush in these downtimes. It emotionally hurts to try to use my brain and have it fail on me. I’m useless in this time.
Or mostly useless. I have so little brain and body power for anything happening except for what’s right in front of me. And if I have to choose between using my little bits of energy for my blog or my family, my family always wins. Every single time. (As they should).
My other problem is that when I’m finally getting myself and my brain slowly back in order, it’s hard for me to write then too. Because then what do I come back to? Another blog post about how I’ve crashed. Try and try again, but the crashing happens. And hell, that’s depressing. This blog grows and changes with me, but that also means it falls to sad news when my body crumbles. And I’m not here to depress anyone. I mean, trust me, I know a lot of you guys can relate to my struggles, and I’m happy to make you guys feel more normal in a world of healing, but after so much time trying, I’m tired of writing about the down times. As I’m sure many of you are tired of hearing about them. No amount of hope or positivity can change the reality that has been my rollercoaster health.
I have positive posts saved in drafts– pictures, no words written yet. But I’ve been struggling to go back to those moments and finish them. I’ll probably get to Marlowe’s 8th birthday when she’s 9. I’m mostly kidding, but I do have a hard time keeping up with myself after falling so far behind. And it’s not like those posts aren’t important to me, because they truly, truly are. But I don’t know, I feel this block in front of me. And I just stare at it. I’m not feeling the effort to climb over it right now. Maybe that’s also what burn out feels like.
But when I’m not ill and mushy-brained, I do like writing. And I do like this space. Again, I have plenty of things I do want to share. I’m so grateful for you guys who have become part of this space over the last few weeks, months, and even years. Some of you have been here almost a decade. Take that in. That’s amazing. But I’m truly an all or nothing type of person. Many of you guys know this. And this middle ground feeling I have now with this space is keeping me immobile. If I can’t do the all, go for the nothing? I don’t know. Maybe. At least for a little.
I’m not reaching for perfection. I’m reaching for happiness.
I’m feeling this thought hard lately.
Life has been hard, but good these last few years.
It took me a long time to build up the healing energy to pull myself out of bed and into living. And while I may still have a lot of downtimes, I do have my fair share of good times too. And the sweet moments are really sweet. I just want to savor them.
This new year hit and well, to be honest I have a lot of fears still, but I’m just really happy to be in such a good place with the people I love. And maybe all the other things around me are currently imperfect (like this blog, my work ethic, my home, even my packing skills failed me this week), but it doesn’t bother me all that much.
The little things don’t eat at me anymore.
I don’t want to disappear from this space. I don’t want give up on it. But maybe right now (okay not maybe— definitely) I’ve been okay allowing myself space to re-collect… well… myself. I don’t want to burn out. And I don’t want to bring you guys posts because *I have to*– I want to feel what I write and what I say. And so this year, maybe a week or two might pass where I’m more quiet. And it’s just because, well, all the things listed above. I see bloggers take vacation breaks all the time. And maybe it’s time I allowed myself to do that too. 8+ years is a lot of years to document so often. I’ve never, not once took a creative break. Maybe this broken blog time can be just that. Maybe I just need a vacation to relight my mood– to savor the good.
I don’t want to burn out and fade away. I want to feel that creative spark and magic flowing, but that can only happen if I let it.
I want to.
I’m traveling the next three weeks. I’ve been alone (with Marlowe, always with Marlowe) exploring and enjoying Mexico the last four days. We leave here next Thursday. And flying off to another place for two weeks. I want to take it all in. Then we fly home, back to our home. For the first time in what feels like forever.. I hope to pop in here a few times in that time. But mostly, I just want to live in, be present, and savor these sweet unplugged moments while I feel good.
That’ll be my resolution this year.
Happy new year friends.
Will you be savoring the everyday present little moments too? I hope so.
*these photos were taken last may during our month and a half long stay in mexico. it was a dreamy time.