Hello friends. I think the title gives it away, but we’ve arrived to San Pancho and I’ve been a tangled ball of emotions shoved into a human body since I’ve arrived. Well, maybe slightly before I arrived even.
Theres been a lot of changes happening in my life lately. (As you guys know). The changes aren’t bad. I actually enjoy change. And have decided to make these changes. But change… and well, a lot of things in my life make me crawl inward and live inside the emotional self that I am. I feel like I haven’t found myself so deeply in my head for a long, long time. But here I am again. And it’s certainly been a been a growing process (aka a challenge) to be there again.
I keep telling myself that the move to an apartment and the renting of our house is a stepping stone– because it is. But if I’m being honest, I guess it’s one I’d rather skip over. I currently want to skip all the steps and be where I want to be.
And each flight I take is a reminder of that. I don’t want to be in the air anymore. I want to find myself on the ground and exploring from there. Every minute that passes on each plane that we take I asked myself, why is this the next step? Why am I here? And while I know the answer is ‘Alex’. I hate to say it, because it puts pressure on him. He hates to feel like he’s trapping me somewhere, anywhere. But I stay because of him. And yes, “trap” seems like an intense word, because I’m not in any bad situation. But it’s not the situation I’d chosen for myself, if I was by myself. So in a way it does feel trapping, or holding.
And every trip is a reminder of that.
And especially this one.
And if none of this makes sense, I’m sorry. There are in fact a thousand too many thoughts and emotions taking place inside of me for me to ever be able to eloquently describe how I feel in less than ten thousands words to match.
So let’s talk about the weather.
The weather, while it actually has been quite nice, has been chilly for me. The sun seems to rise later here. But the time at the beach and the moments when sun does shine have been enjoyable. Listen to me… I feel like I’ve been here for days, but it’s hardly been 30 hours. I’m only 30 hours in and I feel too much.
Marlowe and I have decided we like this town. But we like the Yucatán better because of the food. Other than that, either place would fit us quite fine. Some places make adjustment easy.
Our time on earth seems so finite. And often too constrictive for someone like me. Why cant I live in multiple feelings and multiple skins in the world? I’ve been sad at many past points in my life. I feel too much. But now, more than not, I just want to feel everything. There is so much to enjoy. Sadness is no longer something I struggle with, but rather, the inability to live it all.
If it sounds confusing to be inside the brain of an over-thinker and over-feeler. That’s because it is.
Be silly, be honest, be kind, be whatever the fuck you want, but be happy and free.
That is me. And more.
ps. marlowe took that top photo. I usually delete the random photos she takes of me when she grabs the camera. but this one seemed fitting. even the wrinkles <3