It’s now Wednesday, September 4th. Two to three days after Hurricane Dorian was scheduled to hit us. A category five hurricane coming for us— with some of the most intense recorded winds in history. But we were lucky. It kept east and headed north. We were saved from what would have been an undeniable mess. And  I am a confusing mix of emotions and feelings now. I am so incredibly grateful for the turn of winds and the undeniable okay-ness we’re feeling right now. We were spared. Others were not. I’m grateful we’re okay, but it’s hard to feel good when you know others are left feeling so bad. I am an emotional hurricane this week. Fear, anxiety, hope, sadness, and gratitude all here for me.

I don’t feel like everyone else does when these storms come. Well, I don’t think I do. I can’t say for certain, as I am not everyone else. But I know on the outside, it seems that everyone around me moves about the pausing moments of fear and recovery differently than I do. I feel like these storms come and go and cause damage— or don’t, but still, everyone continues on. Everything passes, people rebuild and carry on.

But that’s not what these times look like for me. For me, the hurricane comes and goes and I pause. Or maybe it’s more of a freeze, not a pause. Because I feel stuck. I need a minute to figure out how I feel. If I needed to, I can physically carry on the actions. But emotionally, I cannot. I need a minute to step inside myself. I need a minute to learn how I’ve changed in this event. How I’ve grown. Where I’ve fallen back. And where I can go from here. I emotionally can’t pick up and carry on… not without some serious introspection first.

Every single day I am mindfully aware of how my present and future actions will affect both my own world around me and the rest of the world that I cannot immediately see and feel. Every single action.  And when something exterior affects my emotional state as much as this natural event has, well, I need more time.

I need more time. I’m not who I used to be. And I want to speak more on this— and how this is affecting this site. But not today. Today I need more time to turn in before I can step forward.

I’m grateful this hurricane passed us. But I’m not who I was before it came in. And I’m not who I was the week before, the month before, the year before. and I’ll never be those people again. The weight of the world is too heavy right now. I’m feeling both lost and certain. Ignorance is bliss. But what then is a lack of ignorance? Sometimes, if I’m being completely honest, it feels like a burden. Or at the very least, more work. Very hard work.

I’m doing some hard work now.

<3

6 Comments

  1. I know how you feel. Something changed in me this year too. It wasn’t a near-miss with a literal hurricane, but it was certainly a metaphorical hurricane (when my mother died pretty suddenly back in April). I too am taking time and turning inward to do the work. Thank you for sharing and glad you’re okay.

    • oh gosh, I’m sorry. that is a life-changing and hard thing to go through. I truly cant imagine. I just read a good quote– “if you don’t have time to make a cup of tea, there’s no much the plants can do for you” aka, take your time for yourself, always. <3

  2. I’m so sorry. I get it. I really do. While I’m really glad Florida is okay, especially since that’s where my home is and where my kids are, I feel so bad for the people in the Bahamas. It’s hard not to think of anything else. I was wondering if maybe you’re an empath like I am. We don’t just feel things, we feel them deeply, like down to the core. You seem like you have a lot of those intuitive qualities. Just something to think about. I hope you feel better. Glad everyone is safe in your home though 🙂

    ~ Laurali Star
    https://www.everydaylauralistar.com/

  3. evolve, grow, heal, change – without really realizing it these have been my theme words the past few years and i prominently wrote them down recently. i feel the same way. the news breaks my heart and i cry and then something happens again and i keep changing and adapting because the alternative is stagnancy and that helps no one. it’s freeing to know that i can change and evolve but still be myself just (hopefully) better. i wrote more about it here: https://tps-steph.blogspot.com/2019/08/0045-summer-surviving-thriving.html

  4. Hello,

    I have been having problems with my child in public school. I wanted to know how do you feel and Charters Schools and what do think? Please help me, I really think that maybe you can help me since you are so great with Marlowe and how you’ve schooled her and decisions and choices you’ve made. I have been called from Pinecrest Cove prep academy which is a charter school in Miami-Dade. My deadline is this Monday 16th.

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