It’s now Wednesday, September 4th. Two to three days after Hurricane Dorian was scheduled to hit us. A category five hurricane coming for us— with some of the most intense recorded winds in history. But we were lucky. It kept east and headed north. We were saved from what would have been an undeniable mess. And I am a confusing mix of emotions and feelings now. I am so incredibly grateful for the turn of winds and the undeniable okay-ness we’re feeling right now. We were spared. Others were not. I’m grateful we’re okay, but it’s hard to feel good when you know others are left feeling so bad. I am an emotional hurricane this week. Fear, anxiety, hope, sadness, and gratitude all here for me.
I don’t feel like everyone else does when these storms come. Well, I don’t think I do. I can’t say for certain, as I am not everyone else. But I know on the outside, it seems that everyone around me moves about the pausing moments of fear and recovery differently than I do. I feel like these storms come and go and cause damage— or don’t, but still, everyone continues on. Everything passes, people rebuild and carry on.
But that’s not what these times look like for me. For me, the hurricane comes and goes and I pause. Or maybe it’s more of a freeze, not a pause. Because I feel stuck. I need a minute to figure out how I feel. If I needed to, I can physically carry on the actions. But emotionally, I cannot. I need a minute to step inside myself. I need a minute to learn how I’ve changed in this event. How I’ve grown. Where I’ve fallen back. And where I can go from here. I emotionally can’t pick up and carry on… not without some serious introspection first.
Every single day I am mindfully aware of how my present and future actions will affect both my own world around me and the rest of the world that I cannot immediately see and feel. Every single action. And when something exterior affects my emotional state as much as this natural event has, well, I need more time.
I need more time. I’m not who I used to be. And I want to speak more on this— and how this is affecting this site. But not today. Today I need more time to turn in before I can step forward.
I’m grateful this hurricane passed us. But I’m not who I was before it came in. And I’m not who I was the week before, the month before, the year before. and I’ll never be those people again. The weight of the world is too heavy right now. I’m feeling both lost and certain. Ignorance is bliss. But what then is a lack of ignorance? Sometimes, if I’m being completely honest, it feels like a burden. Or at the very least, more work. Very hard work.
I’m doing some hard work now.