I think the blog title pretty much described where I’m at pretty well. Not vague at all, hey? Straight and to the point 🙂 So yeah– Marlowe Paloma and I have returned! We’re back in our sweet and beloved apartment and back in the United States for the first time in 11 months. Wow, time sure does fly right? It, in no way, feels like we were away for so long. And I can say with certainty, I have a big mix of emotions being back.
Should I start with the good or the bad? I really don’t know. Let’s start by saying this week has been a trip. We actually had tickets to come back next weekend, but then on a whim changed our flight last minute to head in early. I wanted to spend as little time as possible in the States, but with the new changes made to travel in the US, we decided to head out early before new rules were officially passed. On one hand, MP is missing school and circus which is a huge bummer, but on the other hand, I’m sort of glad we came back early anyway– there is so much for us to do here!
I look pretty cool calm and collected in the photo above. And our condo looks like it never changed. and it hadn’t changed…. until now. The whirlwind tornado of packing things up started a few hours after this photo was taken. Boxes everywhere, piles of donate, pack, and sell starting to collect in every corner. I’m trying to stay calm, but I’m not going to lie, there’s an underlying sense of overwhelmedness looming overhead. The reality is that there isn’t much of a certain deadline I need to hit. But the faster it all gets done, the faster I get to go home to Mexico. And then I get to take the pieces from this sweet home to make my Mexico home even homier.
Stepping back into this condo felt normal. Like no time has passed. The smell even felt familiar. And wonderful. I was half worried there might be a smell of curry in the air (it’ll never sell like that, haha) but thankfully there isn’t 🙂 Coming back in here after 11 months and 4 different homes abroad made me realize how much I truly love this condo. It feels so clean, so bright, so cozy, and wonderful. I always loved this place but being away made me appreciate the coziness even more. If I could combine the kitchen of my current Mexico apartment with the rest of this condo, then man oh man, it would be awesome. And of course, I’d want this imaginary perfect home to be in Mexico, not here.
I think this trip has made Marlowe Paloma miss Florida that much more too. She’s missed her cousins and friends from the very beginning but has had such an amazing life and so many amazing experiences since we took off— and she mostly knows it. More friends and social activities than ever before. More playtime, more art time, more of all the good things in general. From the moment we signed the lease to our new place in Mexico I’ve tried to make the comfort of her room a priority. And she’s loved it from day one– but I’m thinking this trip back is going to make her want to create even more changes. And I don’t blame her. Like me, she’s feeling how lovely this space is. We haven’t had this much comfort in a long time (well, 11 months, haha). The jungle made us tougher 😉
After being in two different countries for the last 11 months and finally making my way back here, well, I’m so very grateful to have spent this time away. I had my ideas of what the US would look and feel like, and while I didn’t have high hopes for it– it’s honestly been worse than I thought. I have now fully experienced and can see why depression and anger are so high in the United States right now. I always understood it, but now I can say I’ve experienced it. It’s not easy being here. Everything about how “the new normal” works is created to make you feel defective. Like, you’re sick even if you’re not sick, like you should be avoided, like you’re toxic, like your own body cant handle taking care of itself. I knew many people were mask-wearing here. But I didn’t think people were straight-up still scared of each other. I’ve never actually seen real people participating in “social distancing” and genuinely avoiding and scared of others. What a trip.
Even while I was wearing a mask, I had a woman turn to walk down another aisle to not be in the same aisle as me. Why? If masks work then why are we running from each other? And really– if the media has made someone so scared of the virus, then why are they shopping in a shoe store at all? I had people refuse to get in elevators because others are in there. You don’t see smiles anymore. You see people sanitizing every five minutes, even when they haven’t touched anything at all. So little makes sense here to me. This is not the life of people in the countries I’ve been living in the past 11 months. I feel out of touch. I guess I am out of touch.
I wonder how do we show others that there is another way? How do we enlighten people to the reality that people in other countries are still living and bonding and loving and smiling and in proximity to one another…. and truly enjoying it? I don’t know. Maybe that’s not my job. Maybe people don’t want to know. I don’t know. So many unknowns. What I do know is that out of the three countries I’ve spent my time in (5 months in one and 6 in another) this is the only place that has made me feel unloved, scary or damaged at all.
I don’t take it personally. I know it’s not personal. More than anything I worry about babies that will turn into children who have only see smile-less faces. I worry about the microbiomes of children who are over sanitized and without vitamin d and human and nature contact. I worry about everyone who is made to feel like their bodies are damaged and incapable of surviving and thriving as intended. I worry about how we will function individually and collectively with so much fear of one another. (But maybe that was the idea all along). When I think about what’s happening here– and now that I’m here to actually experience it firsthand, I worry. I try not to let it weigh on me. I have enough in front of me as is. My own health and detoxing. My own future and my family’s future. The many tasks on the to-do list in front of me. And more. I just want to keep sharing the good things.
No one knows what the future will hold. I certainly do not. And so, I try to make it a point to focus on the very things that are in front of me. And right now my life does feel very whirl-windy and somewhat unstructured, but I’m looking forward to all the uncertainties ahead. Over the course of the next week, I’ll be handling a lot of paperwork, sorting through and packing my things, saying hi and bye to some people I love. Ms. Marlowe Paloma will be flying back to Mexico with my mom after some legal paperwork is done– she had the option to stay with me and Alex, but she’s anxious to miss more school than she’s already missed. And I know she’s very much looking forward to spoiled alone time with my mom. And Alex and I? I know many of you have been curious… well, I can now say that I’m packing him up too 😉 We’re filling up the truck driving across the US. and heading back into Mexico.
So many changes have already taken place, so many changes are currently taking place, and so many are ahead. I’m nervous about some of it, but really, change is good and can be exciting if you allow it to be. When I took off almost a year ago, I had no idea what would be ahead. And really, I still don’t know. But, I’m here for it.
Ps. If no one has told you today… you’re not damaged, scary, or unlovable. You are strong, wonderful, and capable and deserving of so much. Your body fights every day to keep you safe and in good health– whether you help it or believe it or not. You are valuable.