air.
light.
luck.
we had the rug wrong side up anyway. flipped it over, out of sight out of mind.
monsters. and butterfly.
space.
blessings.
growth.
we went to a weed foraging/eating class. she lasted the whole 4+ hours, no complaints.
her.
life.
life x2.
banana + monkey
(pineapple cocktail making)
friends.
they visit everyday.
tiny chef.
did I post this already? its old.
magic.
So, its been a tough week to say the least. Emotionally, its been a disaster. More than anything, I think I’m sad about being sad. I can normally turn to stupid humor when I’m down, but even that has been a challenge this week. Physically, I’m okay— considering. I just wish I could shake this year off of me. I wish I was one of those people with an uncrushable spirit. I’m not. I’ve reached a limit again. I’m good at pushing people away. And I think this year with the combination of my health + friends moving + friends closing me out or not caring at the very beginning of this mess + me just shutting down and out, well, I don’t know, I feel especially alone lately—- or lonely— I can’t tell. Either way, parts of it are my fault. I just feel like it’s been seven months too long and I don’t want to bring anyone down with all my ridiculous health crap anymore. I know thats not how life works, and the people who care about me will be there through the good and the bad (thank you for that), but I’m tired of being in the bad and the bad. Within one year I went from the absolute happiest I could have been and have ever been to some of the saddest. And it’s not good for anyone. Alex asked me the other day how I was feeling and all I could respond was, “frustrated.” He asked, “why, is it because you’re asking yourself ‘why me?’ and you feel like you don’t deserve this? Because thats okay, I know I would feel that way.” And I realized—- and I told him, no. Never in this did I really question why me or think I don’t deserve this. Plenty of unfortunate things happen to people who don’t deserve them. This included. I’m no different. This happened because it happened, but I just want it to be over by now. I keep trying to focus on all the good things– playing them in my mind on repeat, but like I said, it’s been hard this week. I feel like the best thing I can do is just try to wallow one more day by myself and then try again to pick myself up and carry on. Giving myself permission for one more day— and then I’ll try to start again.
I’m looking forward to the weekend. I’m hoping to start this week over, even if it’s already at it’s end. I hope you guys all have an amazing weekend too. And if theres anything at all bumming you guys out, that you can wallow for a minute, then move forward too. Happy friday friends.
ps. / side-note: I’m calling to cancel my endoscopy/colonoscopy. Not for fear (though, it does still make me nervous), but just because I’ve spent thousands on thousands of dollars this year on my health and it hasn’t made much of a difference at all. And with insurance not covering this one, well, I don’t see myself justifying another 1,100$+ on a test that I believe will show little to nothing of importance. Maybe if I had more faith in the procedure and the outcome, sure. But for me, right now? This month? I’ve already spent 500$ on doctors things this week alone and I can’t imagine spending that much more on another health test. Pass. Maybe another time. Maybe instead, I’ll just take a personal day and lay out on the beach by myself. Ocean therapy. Cheers, friends.
8 Comments
Don't worry about not being one of "those people." You're you, and you're awesome for who you are! Even if you struggle when things are hard. Most likely, even "those people" struggle in down times too! You seem like you're doing great, and I know you are! Don't be too hard on yourself. It's okay to be sad about being sad. Love! 🙂
I'm reading your blog for a while now, and I'm so sorry for you. Yesterday I was puzzled by this article about fecal transplant (http://www.iflscience.com/health-and-medicine/sell-your-poop-13k-year-and-help-worthy-cause) and just wanted to let you know. Probably you already know. I don't know how much such thing would cost or if it helps at all. In any case I wish you all the best.
Drea, I'm not usually one to post, more the silent reader. Despite the fact we don't know each other, I wish you all the support and friendship one stranger could offer another. We are all with you on this journey. Sending love and groovy good feelings. All my best.
Thank you as always for sharing your struggle so openly with us and letting us know what it's really like. I look forward to all your posts but ones like this where you bare your soul are especially inspiring to me. Just want you to know I feel for what you're going through and the loneliness you sometimes experience as you work through this. Wishing you moments of peace and sending love from Canada. You're awesome.
maybe you are frustated because you are anxious to be good and keep thinking about the things you could be doing if your felt better…it's always about anxiaty, i hate it 🙁
Ocean therapy sounds good to me. And the advice to wallow for a minute then move on is very sound, I shall remember it. I can imagine how frustrating it must be, and how tired you must be of two steps forward and one back. Hold on Drea, you will get through this. Sending you a cyber hug, some positive energy and good wishes for a nice weekend. Warm sand and the sound of the sea. CJ xx
some weeks are better than other. and on bad weeks, i too look forward to the weekend as a reset button. i hope this weekend recharges you. xo
This post hits so close to home for me. I am tired of feeling tired every single day for so long. My husband keeps telling me to go to another doctor but it never changes anything. More out of pocket $$$ to doctors that can't find the root of my sickness. Wishing you well during these tough times. Sending love and strength from New Jersey.