When driving around in the early autumn season it’s glaringly obvious how nothing is ever constant. The air smells new with birth, death, and rebirth. Not one thing, whether tangible or not will ever stay the same. Not one thing is immune to a constant change or cycle. It’s sometimes easy to forget how small we really are. How, not only each moment, but how our own personal existence is really just a blip in a much larger picture. That— each and every action we choose to do will change everything and nothing at exactly the same time. Life and time (whether you consider those two things interchangeable or not) continues regardless.
I’m a bit sad to be going home. Not because I don’t want to be home— I do. But because I’m not in the place I thought I would be now. I thought my health would have improved. I thought, maybe naively, that not only would I have recovered, but that I could be better than I was before. Not yet. (maybe not ever, but idealistically, not yet). Overall, I’m not in a sad place. Emotionally, I’m surprisingly okay. I think Alex say’s it best when he states, “yes, you’re frustrated with your health, it makes you sad, but you have your sense of humor keeping you up” it’s true. I’ve got that. But beyond my sense of humor, I have the very real truth that no matter what I do or how I do it, life keeps moving forward. And my life, as big or as small as it may seem, will not change the world around me, but rather be changed with it. I am here— and no matter what state I’m in (emotional, physically, metaphorically or not) I have to choose to allow myself to be open move forward too. Always.
I’ve been away from home for over two months now searching for answers for my health (though it feels like two weeks). Explanations to why my health has not improved the way it was expected to. The way others expected it to and the way I expected it to. Parts of me are healing, I’m not near death, but I’m far from living too. The sheets and comfort of a bed do not provide me with the life I want. I’m not sure what life will be like when I go home, but as I said long before, I know things will never be the same again. They can’t be. I’ll continue to search for answers and healing. I’ll never give up on finding my returned (or better) health.
I know life will find a new normal. I know my body will change each and every single day. Each and every second my cells will die, change, adapt and more will be born again. I know some days will be hard and some days will be easy. Some days I’ll sit, stuck, asking for more answers, and some moments I’ll find comfort in the little things I already know. I know the things around me will feed me. And I know that it is my job, as a functioning, educated, and existing human-being to decide what toxins or what essentials I will allow to feed me— both my body and my soul. But, as we know, this is the case regardless— no matter what state my health is in. Illness just serves as an extra prompting for what truly is needed and important.
As a child, I spent hours in bed thinking of the stars, ants and their corresponding cells. I never thought about god the way I thought about ants. That’s not to say that I thought there was no god, it just never filled my mind the way the stars and planets could (though it can be easily argued that god is the stars and planets). I wondered what life was like inside a cell. How much smaller could life go? And how much larger beyond our planet and surrounding stars could life go? It all seemed infinite. As a child I imagined myself as one functioning cell. As our planet as one functioning cell. As our one universe as a cell. Just as each cell serves a purpose within me— that each person serves a purpose on this planet and each planet served a purpose within space. And just as my body is filled with millions and trillions of different cells and micro-biomes, that I served a different but important purpose on our earth as an ant would— as small as that purpose may be. We’re here and we’re all doing what we can to the best of our abilities.
Maybe it’s the fact that I’m back home and staring at the same night time ceiling I grew up with— but these thoughts feel the same as they ever had, just with a more experienced body and mind. And maybe it’s the fact that my body has been filled with extra and unwanted living, fighting bacteria, yeast, and all types of off-balance craziness that has me really thinking— what is needed— what is the purpose to each and everything? If I believe that each cell has a purpose, then is there a reason that I’ve come to find myself so off balance? Or is it all luck? (—with good luck not being on my side this time). I don’t know. I guess I’m not here to make sense, but just to merely ramble and let my thoughts come spilling out. I guess the thing is that all of this has been hard, there’s no question of that, but I feel as if I’m finding a way to coexist with it. I’m realizing that my adult self is finding my child thoughts, as crazy as they might sound, to come through and relate to my current surroundings. That now, more than ever, I’m believing in, finding, and feeling a relationship between everything. I’ve lost a bit, I’ve been thrown off balance, but maybe I’ve gained a lot too.
——-
I started writing this a week ago, back in Massachusetts. My finishing thoughts sort of disappeared, but maybe that’s okay. I’m home now. Take off was rough, but the flight was good. Home feels different, but familiar. Maybe better than I thought, but definitely harder than I thought it would be. I’m exhausted. I don’t think I imagined myself coming back to this much work. But it’s in front of me, and despite the sometimes spinning feeling I have, I’m still standing and moving forward. Bear with me if I’m slow to this space and slow to emails. My brain certainly isn’t on overdrive anymore– how it was for my entire life. It feels like I took a drug to slow me down— and that I’m playing a constant game of catch-up. I’m realizing how much I truly don’t mind my once rapid firing, moving too quickly brain– it felt better than this. Or just more familiar than this. But like I said, I’ll just work on changing with it.
I hope you guys all had a great weekend and have an even better week coming up. I have no set plans other than playing catch up with family, friends, home, and work. Tell me something new you want to try.
photos by chelsae anne.
12 Comments
Drea, what a lovely post. This line made me feel like I was reading a beautiful memoir: "I never thought about god the way I thought about ants."
I'm happy for you that you're home now, and I hope you feel better and better each day. My aunt is going through a similar illness and I feel like I understand what she is going through because of the way you've shared your experiences on your blog. Sending healing vibes your way.
<3 <3 We are minute and all important at the same time. I never understood how to contemplate god but nature and the way it works and is made up has always rocked my world. I'm there with you.
We just joined a bowling league so that's new. And I'm about to try out marriage for the first time. Does it feel different even when you've been with someone for forever?
<3 Jessa
As someone who has been desperately trying to gain weight and increase my iron levels (with no idea why I can't), I completely understand and empathize with you at this point. Having to unwillingly slow waaaaay down does not always sit well. However, instead of allowing a routine to take over my life, I am being made to evaluate and re-evaluate what is important and what is not…what I love and what I can do without. I was actually brought to the realization (as I was lying in bed, unable to get up), that not only do I want to be healthy and strong for my children, but for myself! I want to live and be alive and experience what this beautiful world has to offer. Just taking that knowledge for myself was incredibly helpful and eye-opening.
Thank you for being so candid and open with your struggles, and it is inspiring to see your smile in some of these photos. May you be blessed on this journey!
PS~your posts on the foods to you have been eating to heal your digestive system have been a life safer. Thank you!
My dad was recently diagnosed with c. diff and my god, it's awful. His first bout of it (before it was diagnosed, obvs), happened the day we flew into Oregon to visit him – Father's Day. The doctors initially had no idea what it was. It took weeks to figure out – and in that time he lost nearly 30 pounds. I *think* he's returned to work, in a part-time capacity, but I know that it's a struggle for him to do much of anything. The doctors are still clueless as to how he got it.
Anyway. Just a note to let you know that while I haven't experienced c diff. first hand, I have been witness to what it can do and I feel for you. Doesn't do much, I know :/
Glad to hear you're feeling better! And so glad you've been willing to share your experience for us all to follow along to.
I am glad to hear you are feeling better and I hope you will get well soon! If thats means you will find a new normal for your family, that is fine. Things are constantly changing, so are people. You should think of it as adapting to lifes changes, growing and getting wiser. Change is not a bad thing.
x M.
http://nevermindnm.blogspot.com/
Hey, I've somewhat followed your blog for quite some time, and for some reason I started reading through all your posts to catch up tonight. When I started reading about what you're going through with the antibiotics, my jaw dropped, because this is very similar to what I'm suffering through right now. I took two rounds of 10 day cephalexin within the last month or so due to mastitis from breastfeeding. Toward the end of the second round, my legs started going numb. I didn't think much of it until the day I finished the antibiotic and I couldn't sleep or hardly walk due to the tingling, numbing pains through my calves and feet. Not only that, but I have developed a stutter that comes and goes, along with a foggy brain. I'm scared. I have an almost 3 month old daughter and my older daughter turns 4 this Friday. I've been to the ER twice in the last week with no answers…they did blood work and checked my legs for blood clots, all fine. They said all my symptoms sound like Lymes, so waiting on the blood work on that. I suppose if it were that, at least there'd be answers. They want to do an MRI but would need $3k upfront due to no insurance. I am so frustrated at myself for taking the antibiotics, even though it felt like the only option at the time. I wish you all the best.
So happy you are home again, I really hope things can return to at least a semi-normal state very soon for you, you deserve it! I can totally relate to childhood thoughts coming back to you as an adult and making sense, I too used to (and still do) freak myself out thinking of the amount of smallness and largeness our universe has and the enormity of it. For some reason it all hits me whenever I am in a movie theater (weird!). Sending good vibes your way.
Hi Drea,
I have been reading your blog forever and have a daughter Marlowe's age. I'm sorry that you are not feeling well. I have to just mention that I had an IUD and became seriously, seriously sick with many of the symptoms you describe. Turns out I issues with silicone. Terrible joint pain, lethargy, etc. I'm not sure if you saw but Yolanda Foster has been going thru what she thought was Lyme, and now thinks may be an allergy to her silicone implants. Silicone is some nasty stuff. This may not apply to you as for as the IUD, but as a fellow woman of child bearing age I felt an urge to mention it just in case . People think IUD's are harmless and they are not. I hope you feel better very soon. Take care.
I am loving this book and planning on going through this whole process once I've finished reading it. Every time I read it I think of you. You should check it out.
http://www.amazon.com/One-Spirit-Medicine-Ultimate-Wellness-ebook/dp/B00T6JT0QQ/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1439161292&sr=1-1&keywords=one+spirit+medicine
I'm sure that you've had every test under the sun, but have you had a bowel biopsy Drea? I was diagnosed with coeliacs at 23 via a bowel biopsy – I lost 20kgs extremely quickly and had no periods, no energy, considered peri-menopausal and put on HRT (at2 3?!?!?!) etc etc and found that I had amoebic dysentery and giardia after a few years in Latin America. But even after those were cleared up I still couldn't gain weight or health. After cutting all gluten (the obvious and the hidden), my weight slowly came back and my health was slowly restored to perfect.
Welcome home. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I like how you describe the nature of things. I have a clematis in my garden. Lovely small pink flowers. One winter was particularly harsh and the next summer it appeared dead. I think it appeared dead for several years. I trimmed it, but still nothing. To my surprise this year it bloomed more than ever.
Btw: Lovely pictures…as always
Best
Anita
Good to see you home again Drea, Try and take it as easy as you can, I'm wishing you much recovery and sending you good energy. Something new I'd like to try – I'd like to be a writer. There, I've said it out loud. CJ xx