So I’ve been thinking a lot about this space lately. What it is. What it was. My mind changes a lot when it comes to future ideas. My mind changes a lot for everything. It’s who I am. My ideas change depending on what day of the week it is, or because of how much I slept (or didn’t sleep), or depending on the weather. I wrote about it a week or two ago, but one of the things I enjoy most about this space is the flexibility and freedom to just be me. The thing is, I’m forever changing in who I am and what I want (growing, not changing). And sometimes I’m more certain than the moon on who I am (comfortable in it) and whats going on around me and sometimes, like the tides, I’m up and down.
No matter what I’ve been doing or where I see myself going, I feel like one of the things I enjoy (and one of the scariest things as well) is that I can share my beliefs in this space. And whether I’m directly speaking of them or just showing my life through pictures, I’m able to show who I am. I feel like I lost a bit of the written part in here along the way, but maybe mostly in this past busy year.
And when I start thinking about bringing back more of my words and point of views to showcase alongside my pictures, for a second, I question— who am I? I feel like I even lost a bit of myself in this busy season. This past week has been an emotionally challenging one figuring that out again. See the thing is, I’m not sure I fit into many of the boxes here on the web. But now and before, I’m not sure if I ever have (in life too). From the beginning, my family was different, my decorating was different from what I had seen, my views on so many things felt different– and only until certain trends starting popping up (lets use things on toast or bright textiles and patterns from across the world as an example) have I started to feel like, oh I sort of fit here, but only because this is who I am and what I’ve been doing anyway. It’s who I’ve always been.
I think I’m finding, the moments I’ve been happiest or most excited about life, are in the times when I wasn’t looking to fit and I was just allowing myself to, well, just be myself. And even though the internet will always be growing and becoming increasingly over saturated with boxes to fill and images to be*. I need to remember that who I am has always worked—- and yes, I’ve never quite fit— not within the boxes we self create on the internet and certainly not before the internet either and that’s been okay. Thats not to say each person fits in one box and thats that, there are grey lines for sure. And thats not I didn’t struggle and I always thrived (I’ve had the best of both), but I was most content in the moments I embraced who I am—- as physically and emotionally imperfect or unfitting as I may be or feel, without fear. It’s hard not to have a certain level of fear when opening up to the big bad internet, but I think I do a pretty good job at keeping it open and real, despite fear. And for the most part (but not always) I do a pretty good job at not letting fear take over in my general life.
*please note: I know I’m part of the ‘over-saturated internet problem’— you’re not in traffic, you are traffic.
I mean, this is just one example of many, but I’m not a romantic. I see beautiful pictures paired with romantic stories spanning across the internet and I think how lovely and how sentimental. And I know people love that, it’s something beautiful to gush over, but it’s just well, not me. It just reminds me of my forever battle with clean, crisp white spaces. The moment I try to fill a room with only whites and autumn colors, I struggle. And not only do I struggle, but it becomes a struggle I make myself feel (unnecessarily) bad for. But outside of superficial decorating battles, and back to real life— whether I lost sentimentality somewhere along the way or never had it at all, well, it doesn’t matter, it’s just not here. And the reality is, I would feel better about myself not even trying to play that role. I love my family endlessly and unconditionally, and I’ll cuddle with them for hours on end if you let me (some days I’m lucky enough to actually do it), but stories of soft squishy toes sprawled out on fluffy white linens— well, I’ll leave that to the people who are good at that. I’ll leave the romantic story-telling to the romantics.
No, I’m not a single mom anymore– I’m far from that, actually despite everything we’ve gone through, Alex and I are more stable than I ever imagined we could be. People say marriage is work, and sure it is, every relationship requires work, but we’ve gotten to a far easier place than I envisioned this/our/a relationship to be– and I’m grateful for that. He’s been a steady rock that I’ve needed this crazy year (thanks babe!). I’m luckily not sleep deprived like I once was (thanks Marlowe!). And my yellow floral couch is now a blue floral couch (thanks online clearance?). But other than that, I’m still very much the same person I was when I started this blog, but growing. (We can say it, I’m getting old. Granny status weekends). I still hold strong in our mostly natural lives and our need to live simply, often and get by with less, when we can. I still forever have an urge to travel and a need to create. And though I’ll never be a romantic story teller, I’ll excel with sarcasm and shitty (wonderful) puns placed within my poor poor, grammar. Oh and I’ll still have a love for ridiculous things that contradict almost everything else I believe in (aka: disney, bbq chips, and indulging in incredibly trashy tv at least once every two weeks, to name a few). But it’s a balance. And while I’m not perfect, I’m good at balance— or I’m good at striving for balance anyway. No, I may not love everything about myself, emotionally and physically, (there’s lots of room for growth, at least in the emotional arena, I’m sort of stuck with this face), but I think I’m pretty good in the fact that my ideas are only my own, they are real, and well, I’m pretty proud to have a real voice in this sometimes disingenuous and misleading online place. Not perfect, but I’m certainly genuine through and through. And I’d like to think I balance and manage the best of this real, commercial world, while thriving within my natural home. And I want to share that more, my rather flimsy balance and my sometimes backwards, simple life.
So back to where I started. Knowing I have good things. Knowing I’m good at many things. Being content with everything and everyone around me, but at almost thirty years old (yikes), re-giving myself permission to be content with who I am— even on the harder days.
Hi, I’m drea. I’m not a romantic. I believe in living a natural and simple life, but stepping outside of that on occasion. I have larger thighs than most would assume for my size. I’ve never been incredibly fond of how I look (but I’m not uncomfortable with it either). I’m forever off-beat. And this week has been tough, I’m learning to embrace the best and worst parts of myself again.
*I wrote this post a week or two ago— when I was on a down-swing for moods and I wanted to give myself time to sit with it before publishing it. Two weeks later, and even though my mood has dramatically improved, I thought I should share this. Like I said, I know I’m not perfect, and man my lows can itch and poke at me pretty hard, but its nice to feel like a real person. Thanks for letting me ramble.
18 Comments
This is great. You are great. Like another commenter said, I keep coming back here because you are refreshingly original; not pandering to trends to gain readership. You are an artist. <3
I like you, I really do.
"I'm good at balance— or I'm good at striving for balance anyway"
I love this, because isn't this balance? As soon as you're 'good', you turn around and you're striving for balance.
On boxes and labels:
"Labels! Isn't that our favorite thing to do? To everyone, to everything, to every feeling? Just for today: I will not label anything. If I catch myself judging.. Or putting things in the little box I think they belong in.. I will notice, and change my thinking. What ARE all the things that fill our lives, if we don't put our immediate personal opinion on them? Today I choose to observe the presence of everything that makes up my life, and just exist with it. Can you do the same? It truly is a beautiful thing. (I stole this, with due credit, from yoginilei on Instagram)
Another note: Isn't the power of writing beautiful like that? The ability to stamp your emotions in time, and re-address them once your perception (mood) has changed? Thank you for reminding me why it is so important to write 🙂
I adore you and I love that you are not like every other person on the internet or in the world! <3 Not fitting in, from my perspective, is the only way to go. I mean, it's definitely how I live my life, and always have. Screw fitting in, who cares?! Seriously. RAWR!
Lovely post, Drea. In all your not-a-romanticism, there is still a sweet romance in your words and life. Love seeing your little family, your lovely home, and your truths here on the blog.
Keep being you and embrace every moment. There is always the pressure of 'Fitting in' but I feel as I grow up as well that I would rather stand out.
take care!
I have a really tiny blog and the same thoughts always cross my mind. it's hard to know sometimes where you fit in, if you fit in, and if you even care about it anyway. Life can be funny like that… I've followed ohdeardrea for a few years now and although a few things have changed, what I love about your blog hasn't. You are so genuine and it's refreshing. I feel like I'm always struggling with wanting to be more of a romantic writer as well but it's nice to be reminded that you don't have to fit yourself into a circular hole if you're a square peg.
loved this post. thanks Drea.
Reagan
http://hellonvmbr.blogspot.com/
Love this post! And I love that you're so honest in your writing!
xox
giedre
Love your posts when you are real and honest and forward about that. even your rambling makes sense in my mind somehow (though i feel like when i blog like that it never makes sense!) ha. great job, Drea! keep it up.
I have been struggling to find the space that I fit into myself, but perhaps, like you I need to recognize that I don't and it's not important that I do. You may not be romantic but you string together such beautiful words, you are in fact a brilliant writer. I'm glad you decided to post this. thank you.
A thought provoking post Drea. I've always felt that I don't fit in, in real life or online, but it's something I'm happy with now. Being different is good, no? CJ xx
"I'll still have a love for ridiculous things that contradict almost everything else I believe in"
I so so so relate to this. And it's something I've been thinking about a lot lately. Something I am struggling to come to terms with I suppose. Thanks for the great post, and being you. Certainly this one resonates with me.
I love your rambles…it honestly is so comforting to know that other people go through the same feelings/contradictions/growth that you do and even more comforting to see that you're not afraid to set yourself apart. I love your blog – I'm sure I've told you that before – and a big part of it is your honesty and willingness to just say whatever. A lot of bloggers stick to one "image" they have of themselves and work things into a perfect fabric that leaves me wondering what the hell is wrong with me. You're enlightening. You're real. You're awesome 🙂
Thank you, Drea, for everything you share, everything you are!
~ Samantha
samsamcherie.blogspot.com
I feel like the best thing about writing is that it gives us so much room to be vulnerable.
<3 You're one of my favorite bloggers no matter your mood.
Your openness and honesty is refreshing…and makes you oh, so relatable.
Drea, I love that you don't fit into a particular mold of bloggers. So many blogs that I read are doing the same thing. I look at one and then another and see the same exact blog post. I keep coming back here because I appreciate who you are and what you are about. And I don't think your thighs are too big for your body!
You are you!
🙂 thanks for being you, admitting you don't fit in, and being okay with that.