Every now and again I write about time on this thing. How I have it. Or don’t have it. Or how I want or need more of it. Whether we’ve been together to not, a lot of the time my time posts are in relation to Alex. How co-parenting gives (gave) me more time. How I’d like more of it with him. How we don’t have enough together— as a family or as a couple. I mean, time is a pretty big thing, yes? It’s something we all seem to want more or never have enough of. Time is short. When Alex and I got back together (the first time around) it didn’t work…. I mean, you guys know that… unless you’re newer here and have no idea what I’m talking about… but you guys know: our relationship sucked a little bit. I tried, he tried, but well, the timing was off. What I thought our time would be together was off, really off. The idea of living with Alex and raising Marlowe with someone full time and sharing responsibility…. it seemed… so ideal? Easy? Helpful? I don’t know a million amazing things…. or at least a whole lot better than what I was going through. Alex moved down to Florida, we attempted to start our family, and the reality of my (our) situation was that my life was still hard and not at all less depressing. Any hopeful thoughts and fantasies I had floating in my head came to a halt. The help I wanted wasn’t there, money wasn’t easier, my home wasn’t more filling, and our time– family time, well it nonexistent.
I’ve hated almost everything about Alex’s job for the past two years. (Okay, I’ll be honest, everything about it, except for the bread.) In the times we were together and even in the times we weren’t together, I hated it. He was overworked, underpaid, and completely absent in our home. Each hopeful promise, we waited… for nothing. Nothing ever came through, life continued as it was, with no guarantee that we could one day really function as a family. It was shitty to think that our relationship would continue side by side, but never together. The second time we got back together (this past and last time), I didn’t grow depressed as he came back into our home. I was hopeful for a better future, but I knew the reality of what our relationship would be like: out the door not long after waking up and home lonngggg after Marlowe was in bed. No meals together, unless they were forced and squeezed in, every moment he would be here would be set for sleep, dates would be non existent, and so on. But despite our lack-of-time-reality, I was in, doing this relationship, again. We made adjustments where needed and cut out areas in our lives that could cause problems such as battling schedules and/or fighting for power. And even though things (obviously) worked better for us this time around, we still haven’t been completely happy with our quality of life. Alex without a break and living to work, Marlowe without time with her dad, and me… well, I just wanted us all to be together and to be a happy family. I’m not sure if it’s noticeable but things have been slowly getting better around here.
I’ve mentioned it recently, but Alex started a new job not too long ago. I think we were all a little bit nervous with the approaching change and all the what ifs’ and whatabout’s… but now, here we are and there’s no looking back. He’s still in the restaurant industry, it will always be a bit of a challenge, but you know what? it’s working for us, because each day we’re realizing this change, it just keeps getting better. Really, it’s been better than we could have expected. I’m so happy for so many reasons. I’m happy for Marlowe, to finally, after three years of her life, be able to spend quality time with her dad and both parents together. I’m happy for Alex, who really deserved/deserves a good job with good people who treat him the way a hard-working man should be treated. I’m happy for me and for us, for our overall quality of life and how it has vastly improved. We still have small concerns here, there, now and (maybe) later, but overall, the thing (the most important thing, if you ask me) we’ve been wanting and needing for so long is here, time. We still and probably forever, will never be a nine to five family. Dinners together, well they won’t be happening anytime soon (again probably never), I’ll still be the only one putting Marlowe to bed each and every night, and alone until midnight each night. But you know what? We’re good with it. This somewhat backwards, flip-floppy, slightly unconventional life, it’s finally working out for us. We just adjust when and where needed and make things work in the best way for us. Big lunches or small lunches take the place of our family dinners, early morning beach sessions take the place of evening walks and late night story time, and so on.
It’s been a bit of an adjustment period the past few weeks, for all of us. Even with the simplest things, like finding ways to cook lunch time meals that can fit the three of us and our different dietary needs and wants, have proved unnecessarily challenging. Marlowe took a few days to really warm up and adjust to the idea of spending time with Alex each and every day. And I’m figuring out where everything fits with spending less one on one time with a little one, more time entertaining us as a real family of three, and now steadily having an extra hour to myself each night. Each day, this (better) adjustment has been getting easier…. I mean, it is for the better after all. Our days with more time don’t feel forced or rushed to do everything all at once, to squeeze out every second of everyday, with fear of it feeling like a waste. We now can pack in as little or as much as we’d like. We can have our boring (read: carefree) days OR our fun event-after-event days. We can do as much or as little as we like and not lose anything from it. It’s a new feeling that had me starting at anxious and moving to airy. I can sit on dirty back steps, sipping leftover sangria, wearing some ridiculous outfit, and senselessly repeat in my head “stay cool, monday”, cause you know what? Monday’s and life in general is pretty cool now.
*Blogger is being completely spastic on me. Ignore how wonky this may or may not look.
**Marlowe’s dress is c/o of mason and the tambourine.
***Please note she changed her shoes THREE times in this one afternoon, possibly four.
****Also note, I’m day drinking… and I was listening to reggae. As Alex says, I’ve finally settled into Florida life. Oh well, it’s part of getting old, maybe 😉
25 Comments
Your openness and transparency are so inspiring. This is one of the firsts posts I've read here on your lovely blog—an out-of-state friend randomly recommended your IG feed, and I was surprised to see that you also live in S.Fl! I've already been so inspired by you 🙂 peace + love, hannah
Your openness and transparency are so refreshing. This is one of the first posts I've read here on your lovely blog—an out-of-state friend randomly recommended your IG feed, and I was surprised to see that you also live in S.Fl! peace + love, hannah
Hi Drea! Don't comment often but can totally relate to this. My husband and I both work in the inpatient mental health field, me with a conventional schedule and him with unconventional. He works fridays (either 6:45a-3:15p or 2:45p-11:15p) followed by back to back 16 hour shifts on Saturday and Sunday. We have to get all our time in during the weekday evenings. Our son is 2.5 and I'm pregnant with #2 due in March. Getting nervous about it but eh, such is life! Our schedules are a product of high daycare costs (and not being able to afford them!)
Love reading about your family! My husband and I are both in this industry raising our two year old… and although it is "unconventional" …it is who we are. Thank you so much for being open and honest about how challenging it is to be a young family, especially in this industry. It is really lovely to be able to relate to someone out there who is willing to share their struggles with creating the family that they want and deserve.
Love
Hi Drea! 2 sentences in your lovely post stick out to me: “Any hopeful thoughts and fantasies I had floating in my head came to a halt,” and, “We just adjust when and where needed and make things work in the best way for us.”
I can tell you that my perspective is skewed at the moment, but it’s also because of my current circumstances that I really thought about this post. I’m going through a break-up that I wasn’t expecting. The 1st sentence resonates with me because I’m most hurt by the dissolution of all the future happinesses and ease I had in my head. My boyfriend was supposed to return home to me, so I was looking forward to our shared living space and having a partner to count on. That isn’t going to happen, and it’s crushing.
However, I also have to take into account the point made in your second sentence. When you care about someone, you make it work. You and Alex are an inspiration for taking life circumstances and building them around your priorities. You want family time, you want to all be together . . . so you make it work, and you find fulfillment in your security and the knowledge that you care for and will be there for one another. The attitude isn’t: well, I have this taxing job, so I guess we can’t be together. You make it work, and I hope that someday I find someone caring enough to do the same for me. Beautiful. I’m happy for you!
Your little girl is THE CUTEST.
So glad things are finally a little bit easier now and that you are all finding a rhythm to your lives.
This post was very reassuring to me. My husband is the restaurant industry and works crazy crazy hours. When I went on 8 weeks of hospital bedrest this past summer he had to leave his job to take care of our 2 other kids but he is about to go back to work. We are trying to get ourselves back into the restaurant family groove. And it's hard and very different then what most other couples experience.
Aww I love hearing happy updates from y'all!
I feel you! My hus is an exec chef at a restaurant, and it is not easy. I often feel like a single wife/mom. It's a hard deal. Happy to hear you're getting into a groove.
Im so happy for you.
Maybe you could have a "dinner party" for breakfast some day… that way you could all enjoy dinner together. who says you cant eat dinner food for breakfast?! 🙂
I would eat dinner food for breakfast everyday. I'm not kidding.
Hi there Drea – Just discovered you via the Twitta – My name is Kerilyn, I created a support system for significant others like yourself – married into the restaurant industry. http://marriedtoachef.com – So many of us feel EXACTLY the same way you do from time to time, frustrated and resentful of the fact that they are actually married to their kitchen. You are NOT alone. I would love to invite you to our Private Facebook group where we all lean on each other when we need a supportive ear (and a word of motivation that we DO have what it takes to thrive. If you're interested, shoot me an email, kerilyn@marriedtoachef.com – Take care and remember you are NOT alone in those frustrating moments.
Hiya Drea… just discovered you via the Twitta. My name is Kerilyn, I created a support system for significant others like us, married into the restaurant industry. http://marriedtoachef.com You are NOT alone. Most of us feel the SAME way. We need to lean on each other, just to remind ourselves that our frustrations and resentments are NORMAL and that we do have what it takes to thrive in this kind of relationship. I'd love to invite you to our private facebook group, shoot me an email if you're interested – kerilyn@marriedtoachef.com – Take care and remember you DO have what it takes!!!
you have this way of coping with things and learning to be okay with what you have. I really admire it 🙂 definitely been able to see that alex has been able to spend a bit more time with you and marlowe. glad the new job is working out!
So happy for you, that you've gained this time together!! Conventional scheduled people don't always understand the non-conventional but it makes life interesting, without a strict routine there is room for special moments and memories on a more regular basis- they dont all mesh into a Mon-Fri beat of the same thing day in and day out.. Since we got married almost 4 years ago my husband and I have NEVER had normal schedules, both studying and training and at the moment each working two jobs we're 12-13hour work day people, buuut (and I know it'll be diff when we have kids) I love that we still make an effort to take time together, that my "social" life isn't reserved for wkends and that my husband isn't wallpaper to me, I cherish every moment with him:) Sorry this was long, cheers to making your own rules:)
I'm so glad that things are looking up for your entire family! It's always going to be a tough schedule, but you're making it work for you. My dad is a retired police officer and I remember his tours always being different each week. Sometimes he'd be sleeping when I got home from school because he worked through the night and into the morning. I remember him not being there for every meal and then sometimes suddenly being a part of it. But eventually things settled and it just became our normal thing.
The Rambling Fangirl
yeah I think thats always been one of the harder ideas for me. The fact that Marlowe's days off from school, alex will be working. And Alex's day's off, Marlowe will be in school. But we'll just have to deal with it when it comes.
Having more time together is amazing. When my boyfriend and I moved in together, he had to go away for work a lot and when he was home he was working most of the time too. When he was gone, I was too sad to get anything done and when he was there I didn't want to do anything but be with him before he left again. Now he has more time at home and I'm used to each of us working separately. It's just better. I'm so happy for you guys.
Conflicting schedules are always so rough! Every time my boyfriend or I go through a change and end up having a different schedule I get really frustrated and take it out on him before I realize that it is just a transition and we just need to figure it out. It gets better though!
Glad to hear it is getting better for you too! (Also Marlowe is freaking adorable)
Leah Faye
a clover and a bee
Restaurant hours are crazy, but its such a passion. I've read your blog for a while and truly enjoy it so thanks for that;)
Just out of curiosity, what is your genre of employment? I know you guys own a lovely home and blog plus parent, I just assumed you came from a creative background.
Hey! I'm one of those people that studied something completely irrelevant to my everyday life (marine affairs). After college I had different restaurant and manager jobs like a health food store and a hippie shop.
Good to hear tt all of you are adjusting well… My hubby and I also don't have that conventional 9-5 thing and it's ok because we spend time in other ways. Btw your girl is adorable! She's getting cuter as she grows up 🙂
My husband is a chef and the crazy hours are something that we struggle with as well. I am happy you are finding a way to make time work for your family.
Hi Jen, My name is Kerilyn, I created an online support system for significant others like us, married into the restaurant industry. If you ever need a reminder that you have what it takes to thrive in this kind of relationship – check out http:/marriedtoachef.com