To say that my life is a little bit complicated right now, is an understatement. It’s super complicated. Not bad, just complicated. A bit confusing too, but mostly just complicated. I felt like I was finally stepping out of limbo this past month– but the reality is I’m still here. I have no idea what the next year is going to look like or even the next month. I feel like I’ve been patient in limbo for a while now, but I’m starting to get antsy. I’m fighting that overwhelming feeling. Some days are sort of easy, but it’s sort of tough right now, in this very moment.
I’m still not questioning my choices. I still know that this is the next best step forward. And what will follow, will follow. I will be okay. Life will be okay. We’ll all be okay. I have to keep telling myself that there isn’t a magic moment of release– where all of a sudden everything will be clear—-that things will slowly change and one day I wont be in limbo anymore. I mean, there might be that magic moment… but I have to tell myself there isn’t. I dont want expectations or assumptions. Expectations got the best of me for far too many years. Lack of assumptions and expectations has kept me sane and happy for over half a decade now– and I want to keep it that way. Don’t take that as ‘lack of hope’. I’ve got plenty of hope, I just function better without expectations.
Right now, trying to find words to say (type), I feel grateful to no longer suffer from high anxiety. Years ago this limbo space would have driven me insane. I would have displaced my anger into my home, into my mood, into everything. I mean, I did completely rearrange Marlowe’s room and today, but it was more in a fung shui way, not a high anxiety way. It was to make the space something that flowed better, it was not to displace my tension. The few tears I’ve shed were justified. The fears I still hold are justified. I no longer fight the suffer from my own overwhelming anxiety and it feels good. It feels good to feel rational. It feels good to stable in the limbo.
I just have to continue being patient.
I worked and waited almost two years to recover from illness. I can wait a few weeks or months or however long it takes to move past this in-between state of being.
Alex says it best. He’s right, he’s so right. I’m a rolling stone. I’ve never been one to settle in one place. I’ve never been on to commit to anything. While there are people who crave the security of pattern and routine, I like the shift. He told me, “I knew it when I met you. You said you wanted a relationship, but I knew you’d never settle.” And he was and is right. I’ve never done anything ‘as I should’ — things I thought I ‘should have’ — it still amazes me when I see that I got married, own a house, and have a kid. I mean, those things all sort of make sense, but how I actually ended up here, sometimes I don’t know.
He’s right. Good or bad, I am a rolling stone.
I’m not sure whats next. I have a few set dates in the calendar– friends visiting, weddings, etc. But outside of that, I dont know. I’ve chosen to allow myself a slower pace since getting sick. Well, it chose me, and I’ve chosen to accept it. I’m hoping to plan a few short getaways, another one with Celia for sure— and maybe our girlies too. I don’t know. Right now, I’m just looking at each day as time away. Time away from what exactly— I’m not sure, but time away from demanding too much of myself and whats around me. Whatever is happening right now is enough.