We went to a party last night. Well, yesterday day. We went early to hang with friends, bake cakes, and make our own dish— a raw vegan fruit pie needing refrigeration— since it was pot luck after all. We haven’t left the confines of our farm— “our island” in a few weeks. Well, once to visit the same friend’s home. But nothing more since returning back from the city.
I took out my camera. I snapped a few photos, but not many. As I held the camera and clicked it a few times, I thought back to the earlier days of this blog. 12ish years ago this blog was filled with photos of parties and bars and friends. Life has changed. Adventures have changed. I have changed.
I’ve been in a dark place the last month/month and a half or so. Some days it feels like I’ve cleared the weight of this depression phase. And other times it doesn’t. These shifts to my hormones have hit me harder than I would like. More than physical, it’s depressed my emotional side too. I’m aching to crawl out of it.
There are external things that need to change. But internally, there’s a dis-regulation that I’ve been trying to mend. Hormones control a lot. More than we know really. And they’re controlling me. I hate losing my own power. And I’m reminding myself that I haven’t lost the power, but rather I let it go, and I must hone it in once again.
Life is surely a rollercoaster. And my health has surely brought a lot of lows. Balanced by the highs brought in by my sense of adventure and desire to live.
Yesterday was good. I wasn’t sure if I would head to town or not. While I knew that it was likely that would feel better being out, around people, sometimes it’s so hard to pull yourself up in a darkened heavy phase. I’m so easily affected by energies around me, thankfully I was met by mostly love and openness. And for that I am grateful. I had a good time. And I met good people. These are good things for sure. But whether or not I should have ventured or instead I should try to release energies at home, away from people, is a question I cant answer.
But I’m trying. I’m trying.