Ever feel so overwhelmed that you don’t know where to go, what to do, what to say, or what to even think? I feel that way. I feel frozen. I want to feel happy. I don’t feel sad. I am just…. overwhelmed. I spent the last few days cleaning, organizing, paying deposits on utilities. Last night was the first night I slept in my new rental… alone (minus Jerbear-pupface). It was strange, but fine. The downtown noise was actually comforting. I prefer the noise much more over the silence. I woke up and I felt overwhelmed, not with current events, but with future fears. I ran some quick errands nearby while waiting for the gas company’s call to turn on my stove. In a one hour time period: I went to the bank to deposit first months rent, picked up some coffee, brought it to Eric at work, and got a voicemail from my old realtor: “The other realtor had made a mistake, if you still want the house its yours”. WHAT? Wait, seriously WHAT?  I didn’t know how to react. Eric couldn’t tell if I was laughing or crying. I was laughing. Two weeks ago I had nothing. I needed a plan, I had no home. I needed a home. I made a plan. I got a home. Now I had two? I had just cleaned and painted the whole house. I just payed rent! WHAT?
I went home to think everything through. Do I go forward with the house? What about all the money and time that was just put into this rental? I actually really like the rental… close to downtown, open and bright, tons of storage space, better than I thought it would be… Everything except the baby’s room is ready. Buying a house is such a huge commitment, but such a good investment.

Hours went by. I sat and sat some more. Overwhelmed and frozen. When everything first took place I was hesitant about the house because I didn’t know exactly what direction my life would be headed in. I didn’t know what the future held for me and babycake’s father. I was scared to make such a long term commitment to owning a home when there might be the possibility of a future elsewhere. As time went by and I realized it would only be me and her I would have to worry about I decided buying a house was without a doubt the best option. I would always have that security of a constant home for her— no more lease, no month to month or year to year, no moving.. I would have a home. Once the owning-a-house option was out of the picture (or so I thought) I focused on looking at the rental as a good thing again. A test run of possibilities. And fear once again set in about the commitment of owning a house. 
But no matter how I look at it, no matter how many positives this rental may have, I have to look at the long term future for my daughter, and as much work has gone into the rental or as good as this rental could have temporarily been, it’s not permanent. And with all the other things in life being so unreliable and inconsistent, it would be really nice to have a stable place to bring her too and tell her she never has to worry, because not only will she always be able to count on me, she will always be able to count on a house she can call her home. 
While I wait for the joy to overtake me and the overwhelming feeling to go away I will be turning to friends, family, and (especially) Jerry to entertain my mind.
I will also be in search of the perfect (inexpensive) chef knife to entertain my mind. No, really. Cooking (and baking) therapy here I come. Have any recommendations for knives? Send em my way! 
PS. Speaking of food therapy… last week at dinner ( at Darbster — the vegan restaurant I frequent) I told the owner I had ONE craving this whole pregnancy…. keylime pie. He promised it would be made this week. Their Monday Facebook status said: “Keylime Cheezecake our dessert special starting on Wednesday – we heard someone had a craving for it!” 🙂
PPS. Congratulations to my friend Laura! She heard the great news today that she landed her dream job. Amazing. You deserve it girl, I know how hard you’ve been working for it. <3