Breakdowns

After my midwife appointment yesterday I spent all day thinking to myself: “today is going to be a good day”. I just had this feeling of hope and optimism throughout my body. But then right before bed it hit me, BAM…. FEAR. I started to cry. “What are you scared about?”. I have no idea. I can’t name one thing I am truly scared of… not one. I’m just scared. I felt a little bit crazy… I was there searching for a reason to be scared and couldn’t name one. Not one reason. Not one. I’m just scared. She is so close. I know I can do this, I’m not questioning it, but then, what is this fear? I just keep telling myself: This is normal, first time moms feel this way, second time moms probably feel this way, moms with planned pregnancies probably feel this way, this is normal. 

I didn’t love visiting the hospital yesterday. I typically don’t mind hospitals, I’ve worked in a few and I’ve looked into careers in the hospital system, but I felt uneasy yesterday. I kept thinking to myself “Next time home-birth”.  It was the same as the fear feeling last night, I can’t really describe it, I just felt uneasy, I felt like I shouldn’t be there. 

At my weekly midwife appointment I am normally asked if I want to be checked… I say: “I’m okay. I don’t think much has gone on down there”. I don’t have a problem with being checked, I just haven’t thought it was needed. Yesterday she didn’t ask, but told me I was going to be checked. As she checked me she seemed really pleased and told me how great I’m going to do. She said I was progressing wonderfully and should have no problems. I’m already dilated 3 centimeters.  Effacement is moving perfectly. And the baby’s head has dropped and is stationed pretty well down there. The dilation really caught me off guard, but it is good news. I’m hoping for a good labor. I have a few rational fears about labor, nothing crazy. As time has gone by my fear has gone up and down. I’ve been feeling pretty good about it for a while now. I know to let go, expect any possibilities, feel the pain— embrace the pain, and know, no matter what I’m going to bring this baby into the world. 

I just have to keep telling myself that the fear I felt last night is irrational. If I cant name one fear then I really must have nothing to fear. 

Note: I don’t know where to credit the image above to. I’ve had it saved on my laptop for the longest time now. I saved it as my desktop background one day while I was really struggling, if you know the source, please let me know.