He had an opportunity that not many men would have. Not only did I allow him back in my life after all the harm he had cause me and our daughter, but my family and I embraced him with open arms, forgiving all his past mistakes. We were all ready to move forward and believed he was ready too. The only thing expected of him was the promises he made. He had a second chance, the second chance he asked for– the chance to be the man he promised he could be. Instead of taking the opportunity to right his wrong and fix the family he had broken, he chose to take advantage of his second (undeserving opportunity) and continue to lie to everyone. It angers me how simple a family for us could have been. I moved past the previous pain, I let go of past anger, and I moved forward, knowing it would have been the only way for us to work. All we expected in return was an honest man. So simple and so painfully wasted. I guess when he told me and my family he was offering: “My love, true undying love, the willingness to make it work, to take any measure necessary to stay a team, to fight together, to parent together, to raise our daughter together, to support, to encourage, to support, and to bring back together the family we started so long ago”… he forgot to leave a disclaimer mentioning his efforts would only last four months. I wanted to believe it was for real this time, that he would fight and not run, but like every time before, it was just words and just for show.
But this isn’t a victim/villain story. I’m not a victim. I had a choice. I knew his past and I still chose to believe that he wanted a life and a family with me. He was offering me and my daughter a life that we not only deserve, but that I wanted. I wanted to believe it was real. While, I wouldn’t have made my choice if I had known his efforts would be so incredibly short-lived, I don’t regret my choice. I needed to try. Yes, he was undeserving, but I needed to know I was doing everything possible to give my daughter a life she deserved. Again, I am here knowing I have no regrets. I am a good mother, a good woman, and a good partner. I stayed when others would have left, I fought through his family, and I fought through his lies. And I stayed through my insecurity. Through the pain, I stayed for my family— for our family. And he left, for himself… breaking not only a promise to me, but to his own daughter.
Many of my readers of reached out to me, telling me my writing had changed when Alex came into the picture— that there was tension behind my words. I think they are correct. I lived in fear and insecurity. I knew Alex lied… he always lied. The very first day I stepped into his home, 4 years ago, he lied to me. I hoped his time in New York had done some good. I hoped he had seen the error in his ways. That he was no longer one to hide behind lies or run whenever a problem, responsibility, or real life was in front of him. I hoped and believed his efforts to have me and Marlowe back in his life, as a family, were a starting point to prove not only his personal growth, but also, his readiness to be a real parter, a father, and also, a man. I was undoubtably wrong. In his little time back in our lives and in my home, his lies were not only consistent, but growing. As happy as I was with my daughter, my friends, and my family, I was also living a life I did not enjoy. I spent my days fearful that he was going to leave, again. I spent my time wondering what words of his were true. I spent my nights questioning how much he could really care about me, my daughter, our happiness, and our home, when he spent so much time causing pain with his lies.
I came home from our Miami staycation feeling renewed… I felt that our time spent away from everything would set a new mood in our home. The next day, nothing had changed. The next night, I uncovered more lies. A secret “friendship” that he had been hiding for weeks…. a way to escape. Instead of taking action, fixing wrongs, and facing the real problems at home, he spent his time at work, laughing, being friendly, and using all his free time, communicating with a new friend. The hurt inside me was unbearable. So many times I wanted to leave because of the lies. So many times I wanted to leave because of all the problems Alex brought into the household, but I stayed. I always stayed. I stayed for my love for Alex. I stayed for my daughter. And I stayed for the idea of our life and family together. Anyone else would have left for a multitude of reasons, on a million different occasions, but I stayed and I fought for our home.
Each day was a new opportunity to create change, to create a better future, to and to fix and move past the wrongs of the previous days. Instead of moving in the right direction, Alex checked out. The next morning, things got worse. More lies uncovered and a heated argument. Alex had a choice— he always had a choice: Stop the lies, stop creating problems, and move forward… or… do what he’s done so many times before in the past: run and avoid. He went to work and didn’t come home. A relationship takes work. A home takes work. A child takes work. A family takes work— and not just a little work, but a lot— a never-ending amount. Why would he choose responsibility when it’s so much easier to be a child, living at home, answering and caring to and for no one, with zero commitments other than work? He chose the only thing he has ever cared for the only thing he has ever worked for or protected: himself. He went out until 5 am with the bartender friend and didn’t come home. This was two weeks ago. How he feels that it is okay to pick up and leave with a daughter at home is beyond me. I could never fathom this. I could never do this. This home, this life, my daughter is my responsibility. I don’t get to break my commitments. I don’t have a choice to pick up and leave. He shouldn’t allow himself to have that choice either, but like he’s proven so many times before: he likes to play the bad guy. He chooses that role. Even with his attempts to hide behind his lies, he still lives and breathes that role. To his family, to me, and to his daughter: He makes his choices— he chooses to be the bad guy and instead of putting in a real effort, he is chooses to disappoint.
I break down and cry from time to time. I feel numb often and I feel pain even more. I feel anger at times, resentment in others, but overall it’s a feeling of sadness. I mourn the loss of our future together. I mourn the loss of one home for Marlowe. I mourn the loss of the man I loved, the man hiding under the lies. These feelings will come and go for a while, it is a process— one that I have been through before.
Change doesn’t just happen. Change happens because of want and desire, but more often than not: change happens out of need. Alex didn’t want to change, and he certainly didn’t feel the need to change. Not for his friends, work, family… not for me, our family, and not for our daughter. You won’t be hearing much about Alex on here anymore. He’s been in and he’s been out. He’s proven unstable, unnecessary, and to be a bad guy. In time, the blog will be more of the positive and inspirational place it once was before. All in all, life is changing, again. Not because I wanted it to, but because it needs to. With Alex gone, and with the expenses that come along with a growing child, I’m looking for new ways of income. I’m sad to think I won’t be able to spend my days, at home, raising my daughter, but I am happy to know that I have big plans to do the things I love and I am able to create opportunities I’ve always wanted. I’ve had a few big plans working through my head in the past couple months, and now because of these (and other) changes…. I not only want them to happen, but need them to happen. While the waves of sadness will continue to hit me from time to time, I am still hopeful and thankful of the positive things the universe is not only placing in front of me, but throwing directly at me. This wont be my first time being a single mom. Marlowe and I have lived this life before, and will live it again, but I am certain: it will only get better this time around. It’s my time.