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To think that today is August first, makes me incredibly happy. I’m ready for this month and this fresh start, even if it might be only temporary. I’ve been counting down the days for over two weeks now. The first means: only six more days until me and the little one are sitting on a plane to Massachusetts. Six more days. This month has been stressful. It’s hard to even call what Alex and I have been doing: “co-parenting”. It seems much more appropriate to say: I am the only one parenting and he sees her only on the days that are convenient for him… leaving me unable to go to work on far too many occasions. Every week I receive that phone call or that text that he will be working or his schedule and plans have changed, forcing me to struggle to figure out how I can possibly make it to work too. Every week I wonder how he cannot see that me working is important too, if not: more important than his work. Marlowe actually lives here, under my roof… in the house, with the power, eating the food, that I pay for. Without money, there is none of that. Without him co-parenting with me and helping me out with childcare, there is no work for me. Every week I tell myself: it’s only a matter of time before this won’t be an issue anymore. 

This unexpected, but needed work trip couldn’t have come at a better time. Between the stress, problems, and toxic negativity Alex brings: I need this time to clear my head, and now I’ve got that. That house I put an offer on months ago? I’m still waiting. Patiently waiting. I’m not in a hurry, and in many ways, I still do feel I will get this house, but when the timing is right. Right now? The timing is perfect for me to go. Yesterday, I broke down and cried. Alex has been on vacation, leaving me without even 15 minutes to myself. He hasn’t seen or even asked about Marlowe in over a week. Yesterday, I received my first word from him: that again, he would be working and wouldn’t be taking her. Again, I was left without help, unable to work, without a break… and sadly, unable to see my friends for one last goodbye before my trip. I’m left so torn with my feelings. On one hand, I know, it’s just one more week. I can do it, I can hold out for one more week, because in the giant picture: this week is nothing. This last struggling week, can be looked at as one more sign, that I have, without a doubt, made the right choice to go. On the other, my heart aches for Marlowe. His vacation booked, knowing of our plans to leave. The week before: missing his day to see her. And the week he returns, the last full day he was supposed to be with her? Given up, again. She’s young now, so she doesn’t know better…. and sometimes people change, but it’s been years of this selfish let down and disappointment. And if having a child doesn’t change someone for the better, I’m not sure what else can. I know, I feel more pain than her, but I never want her to feel it too. I want her to always know what unconditional and unselfish love is. I’m looking forward to this moment to recharge. I want her (and me) to feel positivity and the real love that can surround us in this magical world we live in. 
Now, more than ever, I’m starting to believe, things happen for a reason. When I booked this flight almost a month ago, I had one plan: I was going for work. I would have the help I needed, giving me actual time to make money, and giving me a few minutes of help or breathing time during the day, when needed. Once the flight was booked, and further plans were being made, I started seeing even more support, favorable opportunities, and positivity coming my way. It’s hard to explain much of it, but I can feel it… there’s a reason, much bigger than an opportunity to work, in front of me. Between work, family, friends, and so many other surprises and details: it seems, almost everything is in perfect alignment. Now, all I need to do, is not let the toxic negativity poking into my space, muddle the positivity in front of me. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other: I’m ready. There are so many positive people, thoughts, feelings, and possibilities in front of me. All I have to do is be ready and open. So here I am, with lots of hope, mostly smiles, trying to hold my arms open. I’m ready for you, August. 

25 Comments

  1. Hi Drea, I find your blog so inspiring. I feel like alot of the things you go through with Alex I go through with my daughter's dad. He lets months go by without seeing his daughter. Without even calling. Its hard, but its true, we mothers feel alot more pain then our young toddlers do at this point. And while the dads may not change, I can see that you are doing the very best job as a mother to Marlowe – and she will be just fine, because she has you. Keep sharing your experiences with us please! It's so nice to know that i am not the only one going through this. Wishing you all the best in Boston! Things do happen for a reason, so follow your gut, it's always right.

  2. phew, I am sorry to say this, but you havent set yourself free from Alex, thats what I think. Do your daughter a favour and yourself – except him for what he is, he wont change, but he will always be her dad. I am a child of devorced parents and my dad sounds a bit like him. He is old now, and I have a family myself and I am very happy I havent cut him out, he turned out to be a good grand father (with a little push here and there, but that ok). And because I had a good relationship with my mum, the disappointments werent as bad, what was bad was my parents talking badly about each other….just think about it. I know its difficult to raise a child by oneself, but its possible and you are doing great, so get the hatred out of your system, move on and never stop trying for them to have a good relationship, thats what you can do for your daughter. And maybe he too will be a better grand dad than dad. And she will definately love you more for making it possible.

  3. you are an inspiration to all of us single mamas! good luck and good vibes to you and your little lady. xo

  4. I feel for you, already thinking ahead to how you're going to fill this hole in Marlowe's life as she gets older, the hole left empty by her dad. It's tough, but I think everything will pan out in the long run and Marlowe will pull through none the wiser.

    Sending even more positive vibes your way!

  5. i only wandered over this way in the last few weeks, but after pouring through old posts it's obvious you're SUCH an awesome mama. i believe things happen for a reason, too. may your august be exactly what you need!

  6. woo who! I'm so excited for you…out with the negative in with the positive!

  7. I could not imagine being a single parent. It is such a hard job,but you seem to do it with such class and ease! I'm sorry things have been rough this last week for you,but hopefully soon it will be better! 🙂 Marlowe has a mother who loves her dearly-she's one blessed little girl 🙂

  8. I'm so sorry things are tough right now. It sounds like things are lining up, and the universe is pointing you towards a happier and more loving place. I'm excited to see the future for you!

  9. Go, girlfriend, go! Sounds like you're doing exactly what you need to do and should do. No more setting yourself up for disappointment by relying on the UNreliable. Time to spend your beautiful energy on the people that DESERVE it. Having to be the one to soak up all that negativity so that your little one remains untouched by it must be tough. Life wouldn't be dishing it out if YOU couldn't handle it, and the great news is, YOU can…and you are. So kudos to you for being SUPER MOM…the hardest and bestest job in the world 🙂

  10. I hate to say it but he's just not into you guys which sucks but it's true and your the only one trying to make this work. stop. It's not your job to make him spend time with your daughter. I know your worrying about it hurting her but this constant bailing he is doing is going to be more damaging later on. I agree with Lisa Marie. You don't want Marlowe growing up putting her hopes on a dad that's MIA. My best friend had a dad like that and I have seen it break her heart so many times growing up. She cut him off in her early twenties because of it but she has a lot of issues with men because of it you don't want that for her. She has enough love in her life from you and other people who would bend over backwards to spend time with her.

  11. "And if having a child doesn't change someone for the better, I'm not sure what else can.." <— this cut to the bone. You're so right. How sad.

    I am SO glad you are excited for the future!!!

  12. So excited for your big move 🙂 Alex sucks….are you getting child support from him?? You need to do what is best for you & little M and I wouldn't even include him in any of your plans or rely on him for anything anymore. I hate to think of Marlowe growing up (& being cognizant of) such a shitty dad who always bails. I think if you moved to MA permanently you would need his written consent….not sure what your custody agreement reads but I think typically that is the case. Anyway, you are amazing and I am so happy Marlowe has YOU because you definitely make up for his empty space. She has all the love and support she needs and perhaps even more than some children with two parents 🙂 Keep up the awesomeness!

    • I do get child support… one of the only things he's ALMOST consistent with.
      I'm not allowed to move further than 50 miles from his mothers house unless the court approves it, but he can movie ANYWHERE in the world without consent… because that makes sense, right? nope.

      <3

  13. Whatever disappointment Marlowe may or may not feel for her Father will be made up for by the pride she feels in you when she realises what you do for her.

  14. Good on you for being SUCH an awesome mom. If Marlowe wants to see some turtles when she is in MA, I have four of them that live in my apartment.

    Stay strong like you are, lady.

  15. Good luck with your move! Lots of happy changes for you and Marlowe on the horizon.

    Ps. Your hair looks amazing! I can't believe how long it is already.

  16. I know it is expensive but have you considered daycare yet? I hated the thought of it with my son but now that he's there I'm so happy I put him in. Maybe Alex will pay for it because you know, he is the dad and should take some sort of responsibility if he won't take his child.

    • He won't "can't" help with daycare and I can't afford it on my own.

    • Wahwahwah… Suck it up Alex and shell out some money for your kid, what's more important than that to spend it on? I think you'll be fighting this battle until the end of time, Drea. What sucks is that you can't even cut your losses and move on, since they're not yours to cut, they're your daughter's. She'll grow up to be a strong girl, all you can do is teach her from his mistakes and to be brave.

  17. Keep the good work mama! you are doing great without his "help" and even Marlowe, seems not to notous it, but she is growing up with a strong and independent mom that she will appreciate for the rest of her life.

    Is sad to see that he is not interested at all in co-parenting, not for you or for him, but your your little girl. I hope he change his attitude soon because he is missing out the best times with her and he will regret.

    Much love, Zayda
    zlovesv.blogspot.com

  18. This made me Cry, smile, then cry happiness again. I happy to read your positivity. I don't know how you do it, but it's amazing.

    I'm excited for your new north adventures too. It will be spectacular.

    Hugs