To think that today is August first, makes me incredibly happy. I’m ready for this month and this fresh start, even if it might be only temporary. I’ve been counting down the days for over two weeks now. The first means: only six more days until me and the little one are sitting on a plane to Massachusetts. Six more days. This month has been stressful. It’s hard to even call what Alex and I have been doing: “co-parenting”. It seems much more appropriate to say: I am the only one parenting and he sees her only on the days that are convenient for him… leaving me unable to go to work on far too many occasions. Every week I receive that phone call or that text that he will be working or his schedule and plans have changed, forcing me to struggle to figure out how I can possibly make it to work too. Every week I wonder how he cannot see that me working is important too, if not: more important than his work. Marlowe actually lives here, under my roof… in the house, with the power, eating the food, that I pay for. Without money, there is none of that. Without him co-parenting with me and helping me out with childcare, there is no work for me. Every week I tell myself: it’s only a matter of time before this won’t be an issue anymore.
This unexpected, but needed work trip couldn’t have come at a better time. Between the stress, problems, and toxic negativity Alex brings: I need this time to clear my head, and now I’ve got that. That house I put an offer on months ago? I’m still waiting. Patiently waiting. I’m not in a hurry, and in many ways, I still do feel I will get this house, but when the timing is right. Right now? The timing is perfect for me to go. Yesterday, I broke down and cried. Alex has been on vacation, leaving me without even 15 minutes to myself. He hasn’t seen or even asked about Marlowe in over a week. Yesterday, I received my first word from him: that again, he would be working and wouldn’t be taking her. Again, I was left without help, unable to work, without a break… and sadly, unable to see my friends for one last goodbye before my trip. I’m left so torn with my feelings. On one hand, I know, it’s just one more week. I can do it, I can hold out for one more week, because in the giant picture: this week is nothing. This last struggling week, can be looked at as one more sign, that I have, without a doubt, made the right choice to go. On the other, my heart aches for Marlowe. His vacation booked, knowing of our plans to leave. The week before: missing his day to see her. And the week he returns, the last full day he was supposed to be with her? Given up, again. She’s young now, so she doesn’t know better…. and sometimes people change, but it’s been years of this selfish let down and disappointment. And if having a child doesn’t change someone for the better, I’m not sure what else can. I know, I feel more pain than her, but I never want her to feel it too. I want her to always know what unconditional and unselfish love is. I’m looking forward to this moment to recharge. I want her (and me) to feel positivity and the real love that can surround us in this magical world we live in.
Now, more than ever, I’m starting to believe, things happen for a reason. When I booked this flight almost a month ago, I had one plan: I was going for work. I would have the help I needed, giving me actual time to make money, and giving me a few minutes of help or breathing time during the day, when needed. Once the flight was booked, and further plans were being made, I started seeing even more support, favorable opportunities, and positivity coming my way. It’s hard to explain much of it, but I can feel it… there’s a reason, much bigger than an opportunity to work, in front of me. Between work, family, friends, and so many other surprises and details: it seems, almost everything is in perfect alignment. Now, all I need to do, is not let the toxic negativity poking into my space, muddle the positivity in front of me. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other: I’m ready. There are so many positive people, thoughts, feelings, and possibilities in front of me. All I have to do is be ready and open. So here I am, with lots of hope, mostly smiles, trying to hold my arms open. I’m ready for you, August.