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We’re currently in the air, once again. Almost home. California has been magical, but I’m happy this journey is coming to an end. It’s hard to believe we’ve been away from home for so long. It’s hard to believe we’ll be back there soon. I miss that place. I’m not dying and itching to go home, but I really do miss it. I am looking forward to many things and I’m slightly nervous about a few others. I’m smitten to see my family, my friends, and my hairy dog. I’m so in love with the idea of crawling into my bed and snuggling tight with my forever-pillows. I’m eager to see Marlowe’s reaction, when we make our first steps back into our house. Will she be excited too? Will she not care? Will she look for Jerry, before anything else? I’m nervous that it won’t feel the same anymore, that maybe, just maybe– it won’t be as comfortable and as easy as its always been. I can’t wait to get back into my schedule– or rather, a new schedule. I will most likely be working double to what I did before, not that that’s a lot, but it will be more. I don’t mind going back to work on the truck, in fact, it should be kind of nice, especially when the weather cools, and the part time locals return. I’m itching to work out, to tune my body, and to nourish my life with vegetables and the home-cooked food I want to eat, once again. (I love you carbs, but oh lordy, I miss you vegetables).
I’m calm and collected, but especially nervous about Marlowe’s new future. The only way Alex and I will be able to have an easier relationship is a set routine for childcare, that doesn’t change, no matter if his schedule does. Daycare: it’s happening. I’m sure she’ll love it. She is good to other children and the first to offer hugs, but how will she do? Will there be challenges? Can I actually afford it? I need to. I’m nervous to find a daycare, because this means: us making a big decision, side by side. Luckily, it’s something we both want the same things in. I’m hoping for the best, and I truly believe we will be able to work together on this, but I know to expect anything when it comes to us working together. He’s moody. (And I can be sensitive to his moods). It’s seems this time apart has maybe helped calm some resentments, and that maybe we can find ways to cool our (hot tempered) heads, accept each other, and live peacefully. Likely? Ehhh. But, impossible? No. It’s from a distance, but communication seems to be getting better. Which is good, considering communication from a distance has always been one of our most difficult challenges. It’s working for now, and I hope it continues to improve, but I am of course: weary and a bit nervous. It wasn’t good when I left. In fact, it was terrible. I needed this time to forgive his faults.
It won’t be long until Marlowe hits her second birthday. This year has flown by, and this summer has flown by even quicker. Her birthday will be different from last year… very different. In fact, she most likely won’t be spending it with me. I’m sad to actually type that, but I’ve been okay with it. In fact, with us being gone for so long, I actually offered to Alex to have this time with her. One week he will have her, starting the day before her second birthday. A year and a half ago, during the time of our mediation, I never-ever would have dreamed to be so calm (and kind) about this sort of thing, but here we are, and I’m okay with it, I think. One week she’ll be gone. One week with her father. I’m staying positive while I tell myself: I’ll have time to be productive, get my house in order, plan out a new routine, tie up lose ends, and start our fall— a new year: the second year of Marlowe’s life.
I keep wondering what exactly is waiting for me, when I return. Is anything waiting for me? It’s a weird feeling, really, a difficult one to explain. I feel like we’ve been gone so long, that everything will feel like we’re starting new again. It’s kind of amazing really, to be able to put Marlowe in my arms, and pick up and go for so incredibly long. To be able to go from place to place, with that one thing I care about, more than anything in the whole world, and know: even if nothing is the same when we return, at least we’ve explored, lived, and grown, together. That we can create a comfortable place, for the two of us, just about anywhere. That we can go back to our place, and create a new and continuing future.
I’m looking forward to making that place, that house, that home: ours once again.

10 Comments

  1. So cute, lots of light in your living room. :)happy new year to you and your beautiful daughter.
    I am a new follower. hope you can join my blog also i am new to blogging.:)
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    Take care
    Claudia

  2. I hope all is well when you get back! Making cooperative decisions about Marlowe must be so difficult.

  3. There is so much strength in transition. You seem centered, prepared and mindful- go woman!

  4. You know how it goes, things are tough and you worry and you don't look forward to them one bit, but then they show up and you kick some ass and move on to the next thing that comes along. I try to always remind myseld that no matter how crappy something is, I'm not the first one to have to go through it.