When driving around in the early autumn season it’s glaringly obvious how nothing is ever constant. The air smells new with birth, death, and rebirth. Not one thing, whether tangible or not will ever stay the same. Not one thing is immune to a constant change or cycle. It’s sometimes easy to forget how small we really are. How, not only each moment, but how our own personal existence is really just a blip in a much larger picture. That— each and every action we choose to do will change everything and nothing at exactly the same time. Life and time (whether you consider those two things interchangeable or not) continues regardless.
I’m a bit sad to be going home. Not because I don’t want to be home— I do. But because I’m not in the place I thought I would be now. I thought my health would have improved. I thought, maybe naively, that not only would I have recovered, but that I could be better than I was before. Not yet. (maybe not ever, but idealistically, not yet). Overall, I’m not in a sad place. Emotionally, I’m surprisingly okay. I think Alex say’s it best when he states, “yes, you’re frustrated with your health, it makes you sad, but you have your sense of humor keeping you up” it’s true. I’ve got that. But beyond my sense of humor, I have the very real truth that no matter what I do or how I do it, life keeps moving forward. And my life, as big or as small as it may seem, will not change the world around me, but rather be changed with it. I am here— and no matter what state I’m in (emotional, physically, metaphorically or not) I have to choose to allow myself to be open move forward too. Always.
I’ve been away from home for over two months now searching for answers for my health (though it feels like two weeks). Explanations to why my health has not improved the way it was expected to. The way others expected it to and the way I expected it to. Parts of me are healing, I’m not near death, but I’m far from living too. The sheets and comfort of a bed do not provide me with the life I want. I’m not sure what life will be like when I go home, but as I said long before, I know things will never be the same again. They can’t be. I’ll continue to search for answers and healing. I’ll never give up on finding my returned (or better) health.
I know life will find a new normal. I know my body will change each and every single day. Each and every second my cells will die, change, adapt and more will be born again. I know some days will be hard and some days will be easy. Some days I’ll sit, stuck, asking for more answers, and some moments I’ll find comfort in the little things I already know. I know the things around me will feed me. And I know that it is my job, as a functioning, educated, and existing human-being to decide what toxins or what essentials I will allow to feed me— both my body and my soul. But, as we know, this is the case regardless— no matter what state my health is in. Illness just serves as an extra prompting for what truly is needed and important.
As a child, I spent hours in bed thinking of the stars, ants and their corresponding cells. I never thought about god the way I thought about ants. That’s not to say that I thought there was no god, it just never filled my mind the way the stars and planets could (though it can be easily argued that god is the stars and planets). I wondered what life was like inside a cell. How much smaller could life go? And how much larger beyond our planet and surrounding stars could life go? It all seemed infinite. As a child I imagined myself as one functioning cell. As our planet as one functioning cell. As our one universe as a cell. Just as each cell serves a purpose within me— that each person serves a purpose on this planet and each planet served a purpose within space. And just as my body is filled with millions and trillions of different cells and micro-biomes, that I served a different but important purpose on our earth as an ant would— as small as that purpose may be. We’re here and we’re all doing what we can to the best of our abilities.
Maybe it’s the fact that I’m back home and staring at the same night time ceiling I grew up with— but these thoughts feel the same as they ever had, just with a more experienced body and mind. And maybe it’s the fact that my body has been filled with extra and unwanted living, fighting bacteria, yeast, and all types of off-balance craziness that has me really thinking— what is needed— what is the purpose to each and everything? If I believe that each cell has a purpose, then is there a reason that I’ve come to find myself so off balance? Or is it all luck? (—with good luck not being on my side this time). I don’t know. I guess I’m not here to make sense, but just to merely ramble and let my thoughts come spilling out. I guess the thing is that all of this has been hard, there’s no question of that, but I feel as if I’m finding a way to coexist with it. I’m realizing that my adult self is finding my child thoughts, as crazy as they might sound, to come through and relate to my current surroundings. That now, more than ever, I’m believing in, finding, and feeling a relationship between everything. I’ve lost a bit, I’ve been thrown off balance, but maybe I’ve gained a lot too.
I started writing this a week ago, back in Massachusetts. My finishing thoughts sort of disappeared, but maybe that’s okay. I’m home now. Take off was rough, but the flight was good. Home feels different, but familiar. Maybe better than I thought, but definitely harder than I thought it would be. I’m exhausted. I don’t think I imagined myself coming back to this much work. But it’s in front of me, and despite the sometimes spinning feeling I have, I’m still standing and moving forward. Bear with me if I’m slow to this space and slow to emails. My brain certainly isn’t on overdrive anymore– how it was for my entire life. It feels like I took a drug to slow me down— and that I’m playing a constant game of catch-up. I’m realizing how much I truly don’t mind my once rapid firing, moving too quickly brain– it felt better than this. Or just more familiar than this. But like I said, I’ll just work on changing with it.
I hope you guys all had a great weekend and have an even better week coming up. I have no set plans other than playing catch up with family, friends, home, and work. Tell me something new you want to try.
photos by chelsae anne.