As you guys obviously know, we’ve been wandering for a while now. Since October. In search for adventure and more. For the past two months or so, the thing that’s been keeping me alive (besides the obvious, you know, friends and family) is the idea or warmth. I’ve held on to that feeling of sunshine for a long time now.
I felt that feeling of sunshine this week. For the first time since the last week of November. I took in every second of it and refused to let it go. The warmth from the sun might in fact be my favorite feeling in the world. Is that a normal “favorite thing in the world” to have? If asked, “what is your favorite thing in the world?” (besides a person), what would it be? The warmth of sunshine is mine. I crave it. And I’ve lived every day this cold winter with the idea that I would have that again soon.
When we left Guatemala we knew we couldn’t go home for a while. We planned to stay with my mom until my morning sickness subsided and then planned to hit the road again– somewhere warm. Well, as you guys know the miscarriage came on our way north. But still, we stuck around a bit with no morning sickness, but still a need to heal.
And as soon as I felt comfortable enough, we planned. And when everyone asked us where we would go, we said “somewhere warm.” Jamaica, India, Mexico, we weren’t sure… just somewhere warm that we could fit in our budget and feed our souls (and bellies) easily.
But now, instead of being somewhere warm, we’re here, somewhere with a frigid chill at night. Previously in a place known for winter frost and more. We left the cold for more cold. And again. Maybe everyone is right, maybe I’m glutton for punishment. But maybe I just want to see what more I can endure.
I know the everyday (and night) warmth will come again. The tropical juicy fruits to cool the sweat will come. But until then, I’m taking any little bits of sunshine I can while I enjoy the company of family and friends in the places I would prefer to travel to— “only in summer”. Out of my comfort and into winter travel to learn more about the world, to enjoy the other best things in life (the warmth of friendship), and in someway test myself.
The miscarriage thoughts don’t sting anymore. When someone asks about our travel plans and what brought us here, I can easily talk about it. It happened, it sucked, now were here, and we don’t know where we’ll head next. And that’s okay. I am at peace with everything. I do wonder what our life would have been like if we stayed in Guatemala. Would we still be there now? Would we have left anyway? Would we have our home set up? And more. But I don’t dwell too much on the “what ifs” of the pregnancy/baby. I’m past that.
And now.. as I’m typing, I’m sitting on a couch across from Marlowe and Alex. Alex just looked up and said, “Man, I miss Guatemala.” Neither one of us has mentioned Guatemala for weeks, other than comparing it to the streets and people of Nepal. I don’t know what that is… that moment where you both think of a place you once aimed for, separately. That moment just happened.
There’s ups and downs and positives and negatives about everywhere. In Florida it’s the mosquitos and the Americanization of everything that I can’t stand. In other places it might be the cold temps or the pollution. I don’t actually know if I miss Florida, other than my friends and family of course. And sometimes, but only sometimes, I do know I miss the ease and convenience of it all. But it never truly felt like where I belonged, like, “this is it.” There’s a lot to love and dislike about each place you visit or live. For now we’re enjoying the goodness about each place we visit and growing through the difficulties.
Wherever we are and wherever we go I am happy to know that not only is Marlowe growing through each phase, but so am I. I’m moving past difficulties and both emotional and physical pain. I’m growing into each next step in my life. I’ll live for the warmth of life everyday.
Ps. In case any of you guys were wondering, these photos were taken in Homestead South Florida. Maybe a few months or so before our move to Guatemala. With Marlowe’s long flowing hair, those unseen, but present south florida mosquitos, and endless bundles of growing mangoes to remind us of times before. Another life. A stepping stone into this one.