Hi friends! HOW ARE YOU? Things have been going pretty well here. Some days feel hectic. Others feel slower. Some days I feel accomplished and others I’m feeling like I could maybe step up and tackle my to-do list (or at least my inbox) a bit better. But that is the balance of life. Marlowe is loving school. Alex has been kicking ass at work. And I’ve been doing a really good job— well, at a lot of things if I’m being honest. I feel like I’ve really been making the best out of this time that Marlowe has been back at school. For right now. I’d like to accomplish more/other things in the future. But in the current moment, this feels like exactly where I need to be. I’m feeling like it’s really important for me to just take a moment to myself. And I’m doing that. And that feels good.
You know, I feel like I’ve spent so much of this decade overworking myself– trying to accomplish more and more and more. Sometimes to an unhealthy level. (Remember, perfectionism and overworking yourself isn’t actually self-love.) After doing that single mother thing I felt like I was constantly trying to prove that I can do everything on my own. And, well, I really overdid it at times. I accomplished a lot, and the reality is I could and can do most things on my own, but I really overdid it for a long time during and after.
And then I got sick. No one wants to get sick, but in the end, I can look back and say it gave me the opportunity to learn how to allow myself more patience. But even with this new understanding, I still mostly continued to overwork myself. Because being sick left me feeling helpless and hopeless and the feeling of needing to prove myself continued— even on the days that I could hardly get out of bed. Eventually, in this time, I learned that rest is, in fact, productive and important (I’ve written about that).
And now, for what feels like the first time, I decided it’s really truly okay for me to take a moment and do the things that make me feel good, things that I enjoy, things that help me truly grow, and things that help me heal— with nothing to physically show or accomplish to prove my self-worth. For the first time, I’m really giving myself permission to feel worth and value, with nothing external gained.
I know things will unfold as needed. I know that in this personal time, I’m truly growing even more. I’m learning new information every day. I’m healing more each day. I’m getting physically and emotionally stronger each day. And if I accomplish even one of those moments of growth each day, then I know I’m doing something right.
And while my future events do need to be discovered, I feel like past and present are fully aligned for me right now. I don’t have emotional triggers left. I don’t have my ego constantly getting in the way. I did and am doing the work– and no one can make me feel otherwise. I certainly have areas I’ll continue to want to grow in– fears of the unknown and death is a reoccurring big one, but it doesn’t stand in the way of my daily life. I’m not perfect, but I feel really damn good about my daily choices, actions, thoughts, and the things I stand for. What more could I ask for right now? Growth and self-empowerment feel really damn good.
Happy Friday friends. I hope you kick ass this weekend at anything and everything you choose to do <3