It’s been a long week over here in the land of ohdeardrea. The bags are growing under our eyes. I see Alex so tired each day. I feel like I know better, I tell him: “you get used to it”– this is partially true. The lack of sleep is a constant in this life that you get over, but in reality, I don’t know better, I’m still drained and my words are more like a false pep-talk. Each day seems longer than the day before. Six forty, Marlowe rises. She maybe naps around four in the afternoon. And returns to sleep around eleven at night. Alex leaves for work between nine thirty and ten thirty in the morning, and returns after eleven each evening– five to six days a week. More than tired, I’m emotionally exhausted. I’ve started the weaning process for Marlowe and that has left me with a very unpleasant and angry child. At almost fourteen months I’m trying to get her down to under five to six feedings a day (she prefers 12 to 15. I’m not exaggerating). The time in between feedings are almost always left with a screaming, kicking, scratching child. Yesterday Alex and I were given five baby free hours to ourselves. We left Marlowe out west with my step mom left with no idea what to do next. There’s not much out there other than shopping centers filled with Targets, Walmarts, chain restaurants, and fast food. We headed east to look at future possible houses. Our offer didn’t go through on the other house and this has disappointed me more than I’d like to admit. We have three main needs/wants for a future home: an open space, a yard, and a nice neighborhood (not development), where walks with destinations are possible. This seems near impossible in our price range. I feel the urge to pick up and leave the town again. It wont happen, but the urge is there.
We then headed to the beach. The sun was setting and the air was cool. We lightheartedly discussed the idea of a beach condo. How nice it would be to wake up to the fresh ocean air each day again. A lovely thought, but not for us. We need more space and freedom than a condo. On our walk, the jellies were everywhere, big and small, hiding, clear in the sand. I made sure to point out each and every one of the hundreds I saw. Stinging toes don’t make for a pleasant evening, not at all. We then headed for dinner and took our time. I ate olives, something different for me. I’ve always despised them, but I always insist I try them when placed in front of me. I knew someday I could love them and I’m glad I stuck with it, because the warm olive oil soaked olives were delicious.
There was a couple next to us, with a chubby baby, every part of him was plump and round. I wondered if the two people were in fact together, or maybe related. Something just seemed so off. I knew the man was the father, but the woman seemed so different, disconnected, and neurotic. Every once in a while the baby would let out a sweet and soft little newborn cry and the woman would lose it. She revealed she was the mother of the child. She looked right at us and said, “This is not fun. This was his idea and it is not fun”. (I’ve said this to myself and out loud many times before.) I replied “Yes, I know, I have a little one at home, it can be hard at times”. I reflected back on my thoughts from last month and my thoughts from months ago. The soft little newborn cries weren’t as loud as I thought they were at the time. I managed fine, and I stressed (probably) less than most, but now I know, the cries were most loud in my ears. The father packed up the baby and headed to the car. The woman packed up her belongings and said to me “I almost forgot my dog! How awful!” I said, “Yeah that can happen, she’s been so quiet”. The woman replied: “I know she is so good. She is absolutely the best part of my life.” I said nothing. We finished our meal and arrived early to pick up Marlowe.
My step-mother, Fidelina, made a comment to me “You must not tell her ‘no’ very often. She is so dramatic with her expressions every time I tell her no and she always checks to make sure someone is watching her” I laughed. I tell her “no” more often than I would like. No Marlowe, no hitting Mommy. No pinching. No, be nice to Jerry. No, leave that there. No, mommy can’t feed you right now. No. No. No. And every time she throws the same dramatic fit. She wails and kicks. Or drops her mouth open, flickers her eyes like she is suffering beyond belief and doesn’t understand my answer. This little girl is an actress to the fullest extent, and I’m relieved to see I’m not overreacting, these things can be seen by others too.
I just need a few moments to get myself together. I need to regroup. My breasts need a break. And my soul needs to feel the love around me. Life is good, I just need to find a moment to let the emotional good flow in and the stress to flow out. I joined a gym this week, it should help.
… but more on that later.
Make sure to have a wonderful day! 😉
23 Comments
I would like to suggest night weaning first. I've only done it once, so I can only offer what worked for us. I started out keeping a cup of water by the bed and when my son would wake up for boob, I would offer the water, but at this point I still gave the boob if he said no to the water. After about a week of doing this every time he asked he started asking for the water himself instead of nursing. Shortly after that he just stopped waking up all together. I think the key in the beginning of weaning isn't to immediately jump into saying no, but to offer an alternative and if they say no, still allow them to nurse, and let them keep "control" by having some say in the process. Not to mention just keeping them busy busy during the day.
This is just my experience, and I hope you find something that works for you.
A man at my work the other day was very flustered by his newborn crying while the mother was out of sight. I lightheartedly made conversation with him to let him know that no one truly minded the way he probably thought… sometimes new parents just need to be told that they're OK. Your baby's cries are only so loud and abrasive to you.
Hi Drea,
Both my children night nursed for over a year, and that's when the nursing really drove me insane. If you think night weaning might help to do first (at least you get a full night's sleep) you might enlist your mom to help you. For both kids I went away for one night, during which there was substantial crying, then slept in a separate room the next night (we cosleep, so I had to go sleep on the couch), and we were done. Both kids slept through the night. We might've just gotten really lucky with this. My daughter was around sixteen months and my son almost two years old. With both of them we started talking to them about it a few weeks previous to when we did it.
Getting that night weaning done made a huge difference, because now I can sleep as opposed to waking up every hour and a half and rolling over to switch sides constantly.
A friend of mine who taught me how to do this also recommended that if you can't handle hearing your child crying while you're sleeping on the couch and you want to run in and bail out your mom, take a sleeping pill! I didn't need to do this, but I was prepared to. Just a thought.
As everyone said, it will get better eventually. Enlist your friends as much as you can, we always try to. I feel kind of bad…I emailed you a post on a children's book about breastfeeding yesterday which probably was the worst timing. 😉
Hang in there!
i don't have advice, but just…compassion and empathy. been there. and, many days, i AM there. here's to the light at the end of the tunnel. (that is surely there, whether visible or not.)
I have a son named Mason who is 14 months. He is one busy little boy. He's not happy unless he's into everything he's not supposed to be & very much enjoys when we watch him do something he's not supposed to do. I'm glad i'm not the only one who's feeling exhausted. I feel like all I say is no some days & I don't want to be that Mama but sometimes you just don't have a choice, do you?
Hang in there!
1) That sucks. I hope your load starts to feel lighter soon.
2) I'm happy to hear you are taking time for yourself. It's important!
3) I can't believe you know my friend Kristina. Small world.
Hugs,
Kara
This was great. I love how honest you are and that you are aware of so much going on around you. I totally agree with the last bit. Sometimes we get so caught up in the negatives, and it's hard to see how great things actually are.
You're awesome, chica. Things will get better 🙂
xo
I don't know why, but after reading this post I had michael jakckson's "You are not alone " stuck in my head. The week has been rough, I broke down into tears yesterday and Im pretty sure my husband thinks something is seriously wrong with me. We have to remind ourselves that all this work will pay off when we have emotionally well adjusted children.
youuu are nottt a loonnneee, I am here with you!
Glad you are having a better day today. Try not to be bummed about the house, the perfect one with fall right into your lap.
Hi! I really enjoy reading your blog. I am a new mama too! My little guy is 10 mo and used to be a terrible sleeper. A friend recommended the book "healthy sleeping habits, happy child" and it was literally a life saver. It worked for us so I thought I'd mention it! Living sleep deprived is just awful.
Hi lovely!
I always hesitate giving mommy advice too because I don't ever want a mommy to think they are doing a bad job. I am proud of you and how you've walked through life! It's inspiring (: There is this book called "Loving Your Kids On Purpose" that has been a life saver in my life!!! It's so empowering to both the parents and children. If you're interested to give the book a read let me know and I would love to send you one. Keep your peace momma warrior. you're incredible!
ah, drea. what are you doing to me? i laughed, i teared, i totally felt your exhaustion. i felt like we were sitting at my kitchen counter, steaming tea in our mugs, your verbal diarhea filling the air. but you NEEDED it. you know? there are so many times that i start to write how i really feel on my blog and then i erase it all. thank you for posting this. sometimes we need to know that other people are dealing with shit, too. you're a great writer, btw. i really enjoyed this post. 🙂
Aw, we're strangers, but I felt so tired reading this. So very, very, very empathetic. I'm tired too – a mother of a ten month old who nurses all through the night until I wake up for work at 6am – but you have much else to contend with right now, and I feel for you, mama. What a fine life you're laying the groundwork for though; what a fine, fine life. Sending relaxing reverberations your way…
xx,
Morgan
http://www.thelongbonds.com
Mama, i give it up for you for breast feeding as often as you have this late. i'm thankful to Lily that she weaned herself off at 13 months and prior to that, i would only breastfeed 2-3 times a day (before sleeping). she did some crying when i weaned her off night feedings but was all worth it.
as far as home shopping. it's hard. Will and i have been on the same boat for over 2 years. we want everything a home can offer but have been spoiled by everything the beach has to offer, an ocean, restaurants, coffee shops, shops and so on. we both know that we will have to sacrifice either space or the beach and it is not easy.
you probably know this but, if at times you feel like you are saying no too much, try to just distract her with something else. if she wants boob and you don't want to give it to her, suggest doing something else fun.
being a mother or not being a mother, i think everyone feels like that sometimes. life is hard but yes, it's harder when you have a little one constantly counting on you.
xo
I can definitely relate to the overwhelmed tiredness. Hang in there, you're doing a wonderful job with your little lady. I feel for that woman at the restaurant. PPD is awful, and I hope she finds her footing soon. I imagine she realized later what she had said and was mortified. It can be so very hard.
Drea- this post is amazing. I am going through a similar time in my life (aren't we all?). I am sure writing it all down helped a lot.
I am also in the process of weaning Ava. She can go all day without the breast but the girl needs it in the night and I've let her have it (tsk, tsk). I keep telling myself there will come a day when I will miss these moments, so I better enjoy them.
I remember this stage, it is hard. But remember it's a stage, things do get wonderfully better after this. Be thankful you don't have that crazy lady's perspective, yucko.
My mom told me when you transition away from the breast, you've got to replace it with a sippy. I gave our girls almond milk every single time they ask for the boob, which was a lot but eventually they understand that giving up boob time = yummy sippy time. At that point it's not about hunger, I was trying to teach them to put their focus and desire into the sippy cup. Eventually they both lost interest in drinking the sippy as often because we all know the breast isn't just about the milk. It worked really fast for me for both of my daughters. Like 2 weeks, dunzo.
I know that might not coincide with your beliefs on weaning but if it helps, great. Just know whatever you decide is a great choice too.
Having a baby completely exhausts you mentally, emotionally and physically. I can understand the woman at the restaurant, to an extent. I am usually so overcome with love that all of my depression and exasperation melts away, but I understand it. Alone time seems harder and harder to come by. Relationships are hard (right now I am on the verge of tying up my husband and leaving him for the crows to consume…). My child is in full on teething mode, and therefore extremely clingy. She refuses to be put down w/o having me within 6 millimeters of her. I cannot use the restroom w/o wails ensuing. You would think I'm beating her. So…that said, I understand. It is so hard. Alone time is elusive, fleeting. And, as though I know, it gets easier. It's all you can do. Repeat it. Over and over and maybe it will be true. That, and believe that love is enough. Hopefully it is. Good luck, and keep on keeping on.
Hey girl, just wanted to say I would still love to get together sometime. It's been really crazy on my end too (so you aren't the only one who feels flaky!)It's pretty much been break down central in my world.
perhaps after Thanksgiving? I'll e-mail you or text you or something after this week and we can try again. 🙂 The pool at my condo is heated so that could be fun with the babes.
much love,
Kristina
try yoga
Hi Drea, I just stumbled over your blog last weekend…I must say you are a brave, strong and admireable woman….I can really feel that while reading your blog and that`s a wonderful thing….
I have a very small trick for you (you don`t need time and it always works, I promise):
When you`re in a stressful moment or just feel like you`re loosing it, do this:
Take a second and get your focus to your feet. Make sure they`re warm and you really feel them (if not; wear socks and jump a little, or massage them), imagine you`re walking in the sand or in wet grass….
Really ground and connect yourself with your feet….
That`s it…Very simple but useful thing:)
Take care!
Love,
Sara
I understand feeling overwhelmed. I have my little girl…full time-single mommying and full-time teaching. Sometimes, when she is asleep and I catch a deep breath and I just let myself feel it…This is what I have always wanted. I have my darling, beautiful girl…a great career, that I appreciate and enjoy. Love in my life, friends, family, health. But sometimes, we just need a break to see that. Sounds like weaning Marlowe is the right move right now. Sounds like you are ready for a little bit more independence as yourself, and not as Mommy only. It happens as our babes get older and more independent themselves. Wondering if you're thinking about school or work in your future, possibly? All good things in good time. Enjoy these days in all their crazy Glory! xo
I don't know what to say except, yes, it is hard. The sleep deprivation and tantrums is the trenches of parenting and it's exhausting. My little ones are older but I still remember how cumulative that sleep deprivation is. It's very very hard.
I hesitate to offer advice because, well, every baby and every family is different and who the heck am I to tell anyone what they could do differently. However, I have been on the receiving end of parenting advice and I have pretty much always welcomed hearing new ideas and things to try (except from my mother in law but that's another story). So with that in mind, and feel free to tell me to buzz off, here are a few things that have worked for us. 1) Baby on schedule. Older babies can handle set bedtimes and naptimes. It may be painful getting there but oh is it worth it. The book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child is a good one. 2) I also tied this to a nursing schedule (when my babies were over 9 months) – nurse before and after sleep. Food the rest of the day. 3) Also, take care of yourself. I am a much better mama when I take a few minutes to attend to my basic needs before tending to babies. I know this is counterintuitive but it's as simple as putting on pj pants and a sweater in the middle of the night before I race to calm a crying child so I won't be sitting in their room comforting them and freezing (you probably don't have that problem in Florida but you get the idea).
Whew…that got really long. Above all, it seems like you're doing a really great job with little Marlowe.
Beautiful post Drea…it had a story-like flow.
I too sometimes feel stress following me around like a dark cloud (obviously in different forms that what you are dealing with) and it can be so hard to kick.
It's like I know how great I have it, how wonderful my life is, could be, if I could just get rid of the dam stress cloud that constantly makes me worry, over think, and question things such as the future. It's like I almost feel that there is an internal switch that needs to be switched to make me let go, and just live this life…if that makes any sense at all.
Hoping you find your moment…