I’ve been going back and forth on the idea of titling this post “mystical shit” or not. It feels right to title it that way, but the word shit can be quite offensive, especially being that this blog more often than not focuses on parenting/baby-mom life. Either way, I’ve got a story to tell you. On my engagement post, I mentioned maybe, in the future, sharing a particularly weird day I had with you. Well, the future is now.

I’m not sure how many (if any) of you believe in psychics, or palm reading, or any of that other stuff. I know there are a lot of people who are into the idea of other worlds, seeing the future through cards, and other… you know, mystical things. For me, I really don’t know what to believe. I’m not really a religious person. I support religion, but I don’t think about it much. I’m not sure if I would call myself a spiritual person or not. I don’t meditate and I don’t often find myself feeling an overall connectedness to the earth, I mean sometimes I do, but it all seems a bit…. crunchy. I question if things happen for a reason, or if they just happen. Only recently has my mind wandered to places and topics of past lives and traveling souls. Even saying that, sounds so silly to me. For me, I focus mainly on the idea of the connectedness with oneself. Really getting past the surface to uncover ones unconscious mind… because only once we really know ourselves can we be the good (or bad) people we need to be in this world. Many thoughts I have relate to the idea of analytical psychology and the power of the unconscious. We have so much power deep within us, most of which will never be uncovered. I know myself pretty well… I know my good and I know my bad. Everyday I work on myself, wanting to know more, be better, and be stronger– the more I figure out myself, the better I am able to handle the world around me. Currently (okay, actually: always) I find myself needing to work on patience, but thats unrelated to this story. What does any of this really have to do with anything? I don’t know… it seems silly… a long rambling, crazy sounding intro into an even crazier story I have to tell. It’s just that, I know myself pretty well, but I find myself struggling with these ideas lately…. knowing what is real and what is not.

I went back and forth about the idea of visiting a psychic during my pregnancy (before I was showing) to see if they would tell me anything about a baby in the future. It would be my own personal joke or entertainment to see if they could come even a little bit close to the idea of an upcoming baby. I never actually went. I’m not sure how the idea came up again, but it was discussed between some friends and I, and we figured, well, why not? My friend Kristine (not really a believer in the mystics either) had mentioned she went once before in high school. The psychic, Ann, told her that she saw some numbers that would be significant for her. Ann gave Kristine her SAT scores, the exact results Kristine had received in the mail that very morning. Weird. We decided to make an appointment to see Ann.

Kristine went into the room first. She met me outside with the most stunned look on her face. Upon entering the room, even before sitting, Ann says to her: “There is so much energy around your lungs. I’m not sure why but there is a strong energy coming off of them”. Well, Kristine is my friend who had a double lung transplant a few years ago. Weird.
It was my turn next, I went in the room and sat down. Ann asks me what I would like to focus on. I tell her, “I’m not sure, just life in general, love, family, relationships”. She asks if I would like to know more about anyone and to give her names. I tell her: “Alex”. The first thing she says is, “He is always back and forth with you, isn’t he? He comes in your life and then he leaves you again.” Um, yes, obviously. She goes on to tell me more… “He goes through phases and cycles. At times he’s really up, and fighting to be with you, confident and so sure of what he wants… but then, there is the other side… his darker side. When his darker side comes out he closes himself to the world around him, he is no longer sure about what he wants, he causes hurt and feels hurt, and he pushes you away. He is unsteady. And he is moody.” She asks: “He has a Jewish mother, doesn’t he?” Yes, he does. She tells me how he loves me. There is no question of that. She tells me I love him too, and there is an attraction to him, but it is more than that: there is a connection there between us, there always has been. And it’s not just now, but Alex and I, we have been fighting for lifetimes to be together. Every lifetime for us, we have struggled and fought to be together, but there is always a crisis, an obstacle, something standing in our way. She says this will continue for us. She tells me, we can be together now and stay together. We can be incredibly happy together, but ONLY IF he gets help. If he doesn’t get help, he will continue to be back and forth and we will live a life of misery, again. She goes onto ask: “Is he trying to be with you now? Because if he isn’t, he will be very soon. Just wait for it, he’s about to be on a upswing. This one is going to be a big attempt”. She tells me: There will be an engagement. It will be soon. She sees, “A baby. A boy, with dark curly hair, big brown eyes, and dark, very long eyelashes.” She goes on to remind me again of his cycles, they will be there. We can be very happy together, but only if he can move past this. Okay.

I ask about Eric. She tells me, “Eric is as steady as the day is long, but you don’t love him the way you want to. There isn’t a question about whether you should be with Eric or Alex, you love Alex. But there will be a choice. There will be a third person. Someone new will come into your life and knock you off your feet. You will have immediate feelings for him, they will be very strong like the feelings you have for Alex. You will struggle to choose between the two.

I leave with more questions. How was everything so accurate and so exact? Yes he’s been trying, but a big attempt? That’s not Alex. An engagement? Alex would never propose to me so soon. He only started trying to prove himself again so recently. Would we really be together? Would he get help? Could the cycles really stop? They’ve been so constant in the past. The only constant—- besides the love. A baby? Does she mean Marlowe and her brown hair, dark brown eyes, and the longest eyelashes in existence? Or does she see another baby? A baby with curlier hair, that would look even more like Alex. Another guy? Impossible. I don’t meet anyone here. I don’t have the freedom to leave the house without a baby. I am home, responsible for my daughter 24/7. And Eric? She said so little. She cut to the point and dropped it instantly. Did I give off some vibes? How did she know? Did I keep a straight face? Of course I did. No emotions. No fidgeting. I sat steady in a chair with nothing to lead her with, right? And then the biggest question: Why am I questioning any of this? Am I believing a psychic? Questioning psychic claims? This is crazy, isn’t it? I tell myself: well, we will see what happens. I go to lunch.

After lunch, I drive home. As I am pulling up to my house I receive a phone call from Alex he tells me, “Go check your mail, there is a letter waiting for you”. I go inside and open my email. It’s the letter. It’s something he’s never done before. His big attempt. A letter to my whole family telling them he was going to prove to them and fight through everything to be with me again. He was sorry for his past mistakes and he was ready to right his wrongs. He had serious intentions with me and he would show us. A week later, I go up to Massachusetts. He surprises me. He proposes.

Here I am today, almost 5 months later, and another downward cycle is upon us. It is bringing pain to all parties involved. And once again I am left to question everything. Alex and I know very well that our relationship has problems. Him with the lies, and me, with my reaction to the lies. There is fear and there is insecurity in this home. One insecure and fearful of being truthful, the other living in fear and insecurity of what lie there will be to uncover next. It can’t be stable this way. Alex and I met at counseling today, it was the first time in days we saw each other or even really talked. After the appointment, we briefly discussed our relationship and what we would do. We talked about our reality, our fantasy, and our feelings. We love each other, we always have. We discussed how we would feel choosing to not be together, he tells me he has and will always love me. He makes the motion of a tie or bond between our chests and says “I’m handcuffed to you”. At first, I felt offended by his choice of words. “Handcuffed”. I would have preferred “tied”, “bonded”, “connected”, or anything else with a lesser negative connotation. But then, the more I thought about it, the more I agreed. “Handcuffed” fits, because very often it does feel like a punishment for us to love each other so much. Unable to make it work and neither one of us able to let go. There is an undeniable connection between us. Despite everything, it’s been constant and long lasting…. a force that keeps us coming back to one another. There is something tangible and visible to the eye that will be bonding us for life, our daughter, but there has been a bond between us, since the day we met, long before her existence. So now, as crazy as I feel and as crazy as it sounds, I find myself wondering about things such as souls and past and future lives. I wonder if there is even more to uncover or if this path and this lifetime is only what is in front of us in the here and now. Is there more? Or is it just mystical *shit*? Has it really been lifetimes that Alex and I have been fighting to be together? I don’t know, but more often than not, it feels that way.

What do you believe? Is there more? Have you had a similar experience? Do you believe in past and future lives? In fate and destiny? Does everything happen for a reason? Do you even bother to question it? Do you believe only what is tangible? Do you believe in a set a path for yourself? Do you choose your own path or is it chosen for you? Are there spirits? Have you been to a psychic? Was it a joke? Have you had your palm read? Do you read cards? Astrology? Signs? Do you believe in the power of the unconscious? Or is it all just mystical *shit* to you?

For me, I don’t know, but my mom is in town and so I am on my way out tonight. I’m going to take every opportunity to enjoy some time with my friends, because I know that soon these times will be few and far between, when it is me: with zero freedom, the only one responsible around the clock, raising my daughter alone, again.

Cheers friends, tell me what you believe. 


  1. hey lady, I've so enjoyed checking out your blog. I was curious to know what the #1 TBB was about! :o) my favorites are your pictures of M's meals and your fresh home! They inspire me!

    Man, about this. I totally believe in the unseen and the supernatural. I know it exists, without a doubt. I do believe in psychics and palm readers but in the long run, it will hurt me to go to them. I've read horoscopes before and a girl using astrology-type methods "read" me. But what they said messed with my head and I regretted it. What I have learned in my life with God is that approaching the supernatural/spiritual through Jesus doesn't mess with me. It leaves me with a clean feeling and my heart has found peace. Some information is just plain TMI (too much for our minds/hearts). I've realized that the safest place for my heart is trusting it with God. There are people who can "see" things out of their relationship to God and it's good, but >>no one<< sees the whole picture except God himself. And it's personal information between us and God (<—the one who landed us here on earth in the first place). But, really, girly… if you ever find yourself alone at night with thoughts of those epic things tearing at your mind, start talking to Jesus. I know it sounds trite but he is home. He can help Alex find peace.

  2. You need to read the book Fallen ASAP. Its crazy how similar in some ways the book is to this particular post!

  3. I do believe that these things (connections) can happen, but I believe it takes more than that to make a relationship.

    I was deeply in love once. And I realized it was not going to work out. I walked away and started dating my current husband even when I had somewhat feelings for the guy. Year and a half later we talk on the phone and he mentions that he believes I am his soulmate (even while he is dating someone) and then it hit me: I'll always have feelings for the guy, I will, but the truth is that relationships take work. Take moving with the changes and willing to do so. He was not willing to do that with me, I, for some reason, couldn't do so with him. And I simply told him that I didn't believe in that kind of thing. I could not be happier. I wish him the best, but at the moment, I am loved more than ever and best of all, I love more than I ever thought it was possible. Time has made hubs and I relationship stronger, healthier and more beautiful than the connection I felt when he walked in the door while sweeping me off my feet.

    Best to you.

  4. To some extent I think that going to a psychic ends up being a self fulfilling prophecy. But some of them know their ish.

    There have to be past lives and future lives. It's the only thing that makes sense to me. And I believe that the people that you love most in your life keep coming back around to be part of your new life, not necessarily as a partner. For example, you and Alex have an intense bond and have been fighting to be together for many lives. That could mean that he was your father and left your family, popping in or out of your life.

    I have met people before you I knew for a fact were supposed to be in my life but it was the wrong time or the wrong way. What else could explain the automatic comfortable feeling that you have around some people or the connectedness?

  5. What a crazy story…

    I just found your blog and my heart is breaking for you right now! I can not imagine raising babes alone. You are a strong women!

    I personally believe in God (the alpha and omega, the prince of peace, the Maker of all things good and holy… and it goes on and on). I believe that He knows our journey in life but gives us the freedom to make our own choices and the grace to pick us up after we fail over and over again. That He is the giver of life. He makes all things good and perfect.

    I believe in Jesus, that He died for me to wash my sins. I believe in life after death. Heaven or Hell (yes I really do believe those two places exist).

    Mostly I believe in grace. We need it everyday, not only for ourselves, but in our parenting (amen? amen!), our friendships, in our hearts and family. I believe that our souls were designed to search for Him and to respond when they hear the words of truth.

    I believe we are here for such a short period of time compared to eternity that we need to make the most of it. To love hard, love generously and tell people about the Truth that I found. It's beautifully messy.

    I don't know if you are going to read this, there are so many comments!! But I hope that it helps if this quest that you are seeking. I TRUELY pray that you find what your soul is searching for!

  6. So, where is this lady because I have always wanted to go to a psychic and now I'm really intrigued! Also, my mom and a good friend of mine truly believe and I think they both have a bit of it in them anyway.

    Such a neat story.

    I don't know what to say about your current situation except that I wish you every bit of happiness. You and Marlowe both. I want to root for you and for him, but he definitely makes it hard sometimes. I kind of want to slap some sense into him every now and again. My only concern is for how his back and forth might affect Marlowe in the future when she begins to be more aware of your relationship… but I trust that you probably worry about the same things.

    All that really matters is that you are trying and I suppose he is, too. What else can we really do?

    sometimes, I really think life should be easier. Certain parts anyway!

    I hope your family gets the happy ending it deserves.

  7. Highly trained cons is a little pungent, no?

    You give these people too much credit, in my opinion.

    Which we all have…

  8. I've been reading your blog for a while now but have never commented though I do discuss it sometimes with my husband 🙂
    Obviously I don't know you but I have always been impressed by your strength, determination and what a great mother you are. When Alex came back into your life your writing changed. You seemed sad. I felt like you were trying to put on a brave face and I so dearly wanted you to pull away from him.
    Every relationship is different I know but if you love someone you treat them well. You respect them, show an interest in what they do, make time for them and do whatever you can to keep them smiling. With all the silliness that domesticity can bring and the pettiness of arguments from time to time we always need to know that one solid thing-that this too shall pass. No matter how bad it gets, your other half should be a constant. It allows you to let go, be yourself and voice grievances without fear of retribution or abandonment.
    I feel for you and your situation and wish you every good thing for the future.
    Oh to answer your original question-I don't believe in mystics etc. they are highly trained cons and if you ever saw the likes of Derren Brown do his thing you would understand how we give off so many clues to the trained eye. You are vulnerable and no doubt projecting it. Believe in your own self.
    Take care Drea.

  9. I just want the best for you and Marlowe and feel like you need to get off this crazy ride. Of course it's so easy to say from the outside and so tough and confusing for the one going through it.
    I was flippin' through tv channels last night and came across an interview between Aerosmith's Steven Tyler and Oprah. And then one of his daughter's was on there and they were talking about her feeling of abandonment with him coming and going so much. And how hard it has been for her to get past that way of her childhood-she is always a little worried things are going to go away from her, she'll be abandoned again. All this as an adult. Now I know he's a wild rock star and what a unique childhood she had, but it doesn't change the fact that she was always longing for her father to be there. And so as a mother of three young daughters my heart not only aches for you but also for Marlowe, I don't want her to feel that way if Alex continues on his sad pattern. Thinking of you and wishing for strength, happiness and love for you.
    Don't close yourself off to other great people because you are always left dealing with someone else.

  10. You have such a good head on your shoulders, Drea. I have total faith that this situation will resolve one way or another in a positive way, especially if you are in counseling. That doesn't mean together, necessarily. I have friends that ultimately used therapy as a way to finally split up. I think it's really important to have a mediator, or moderator, at a time where everything is so upside down.

    I'll tell you, I was with someone for seven years, and every eight months or so he'd leave me, and then as soon as I got on my feet he came crawling back. Eventually we were engaged and planned a huge wedding in another state, which everyone was flying to. Six days before the wedding I got home from work and he was gone. Total humiliation. But guess what? Six months after that he showed up AGAIN! Just such an unhealthy pattern. I was a huge part of it, but a lot of it came from a fear of abandonment he developed from relationships when he was younger. Sadly, I feel like that seven years was a huge waste of my time. Luckily, a few years later I met "the one", and see that breakup with my ex as the best thing that ever happened to me.

    Just sayin'…..thank you for sharing it all with us.


  11. I have a similar experience and everything the psychic told me was correct. But I was just like you, should I believe it? Am I really going to go against my Christian faith and believe something that was against it?

    But now in the future she was totally right! Well with what happened. So believe what you want, and disregard everything else. Its your life and no one but the higher ups can really know whats going to happen 🙂

  12. Drea, i definitely don't believe in god. but that is not to say that the people that believe in religion are wrong – i would never judge on beliefs. some people need to find comfort in explaining everything and that things do happen for a reason. in the same way that people need a personal trainer to go to the gym then if people need a nudge from a physic to do something then so be it.
    however i think whether there are past lives, future lives or whatever that you may never know of. what is important is right NOW. this life. the amazing one you are creating for Marlowe. I don't know you or alex personally so i won't say whether you should leave him or not. however i think some people can change, but how much should they for someone? if he's not right as he is and the adjustments he's already made then what good is it asking him to become something he's not?
    you have done already so well for Marlowe. the comments on here all confirm that.
    my final point is that family isn't equal to mummy, daddy and child. family is wider than that. so if you don't work out as the 'perfect three' it doesn't mean to say you won't be a family in some way.
    i hope things work out well for you and little marlowe too. xx

  13. these are some tough questions and some challenging times you are facing. i'm truly thinking of you! i agree with @lil muse lily love should not be so difficult. yes, there are down times and yes there are challenges but it shouldn't be so hard. i do believe in fate and i believe everything happens for a reason…even the bad…even though we sometimes can't figure it out. so that being said, i hope you figure it out. i hope time will heal and i will be thinking of you and m!


  14. I know the answer because I deal in logic and facts. It sounds like this Ann was a well meaning person. It also sounds as though she was not a con-artist. And I whole heartedly believe she has complete faith and trust in her 'abilities.'

    But it's just cold reading. This is one thing we CAN answer with logic because the facts show time and again that psychics don't have special powers. If they did, someone should really claim that $1 million prize money! They could prove it to the world…but then, of course, you get a few divided camps on that as soon as you ask these people for proof.

    They completely back off and out and accuse you of being 'close minded.' I'm not close minded…I just enjoy rational thinking when it comes to someone asking for my money or delving into my personal life, you know?

  15. I hope that you can find strength through all of this difficulty.

    I believe that God created this world and heaven. I am catholic. But, I do not think that it is anyone's place to judge another person. That is God's job. Honestly, I'm really not sure about the reincarnation thing. I believe that if you're not ready for heaven you end up in purgatory. Purgatory could involve different lives.

    I just feel there is no way that all of the amazing miracles of life and creation happened without our God.

    You might consider reading "The Case for Christ." It's a pretty amazing book by a journalist who set out to prove that Jesus did not exist. It really has a lot of awesome historical evidence. http://www.amazon.com/Case-Christ-Journalists-Personal-Investigation/dp/0310209307

  16. Drea,

    I'm sorry to hear about everything you're going through. As a new mom who has been through lots of extreme ups and downs with my partner, I know just how difficult it can be to love someone so intensely, allowing yourself to be vulnerable, getting hurt, then putting up walls to protect yourself. I feel like the more times this happens, the more scars are created that can fade with time but never really be removed. I hope that you understand that the most intense love isn't always the best or healthiest for you. And while as a therapist I often feel like much of the "mystical shit" is fabricated, there are definitely folks out there with stronger sensativities and intuitions about things…sounds like you may have found the real deal. Maybe think about giving mystery guy #3 a thought?

  17. Drea,

    I have been a follower of your blog for a while now…I started reading sometime last year and then was so intrigued by everything you have been through…I admit I went back and read your posts I admire that through all you are still a strong, smiling mom always ready for your baby!!

    I'm a Hindu and although neither religious nor spiritual I know there are somethings that cannot be answered logically. As a Hindu I do believe in Karma (Go good to others it comes back) and afterlife. I can give you tons of stuff to read on afterlife and how so many people went back to find their past etc etc…as much fun as it is to read I still feel it is this life that is the present and not much can be done about what has happened in the past…be it in your past or past lifetimes. Alex may be your soulmate but who is to say there isn't another soulmate for you, someone who makes you smile, who makes life easier for you!! My dad, who is no longer there, once told me that even bad things are happening because someone out there has a plan for you. As hard as that is to believe (especially when you are going through a tough time) it is true. I went through a terrible relationship and did not expect to love or meet anyone else like him but in 2 years I met the guy I married and I have never been happier. If things are not right now its because its not the end!!

    Also, if Alex loves you that much he will go WHATEVER it takes to make it work! No obstacle is that tough that it cannot be crossed if the intent is there.

    Chin up girl! You are a beautiful & smart girl, a great mom and someone who will be a great wife one day…maybe that day is not today! And I always felt (especially when you have kids)its better to get out of a bad relationship then get out of a bad marriage!

  18. Everyone seems to have a lot to say. It's a heavy subject and one we've almost all dealt with in some form or another. I too feel very emotional about everything you're going through. I know how it can weigh on you and steal all that free space in your mind. It's toxic, really. So hang in there.

    Do you watch the Twilight Zone? Bear with me, I know this isn't starting out well. There is this one episode where a couple visits a diner and at the table is a fortune telling machine. It only answers yes or no questions. The guy is really into it and is shocked by how true everything he's asking it seems to be. The woman is less impressed. The fortune warns them not to leave the diner until a certain time. The woman insists they leave and sure enough they almost get hit by a car. The end up back at the diner and ask more questions. Suddenly it's like the guy can't make a decision without consulting the fortune telling machine. The woman gets so fed up and explains that regardless of the truth behind it, we can't live our lives tied to a machine, relying on a fortune to dictate our next move. We have control of our destiny, she says. What shall be shall be. They kiss, hug, and leave the restaurant. As soon as they leave, a somber looking couple enter the diner and go to the very machine and start asking it qusetions. It becomes obvious that they do this daily and that every move they make is dictated by the fortune telling machine.

    And that's closer to what I believe: so what if it's all true or not true? WE have the power. Our lives are in our control.

    I would never venture into the realm of offering you advice. I don't know you personally and I don't know Alex. But based on my past experiences, what worked for me was breaking the cycle and handling it different than I had in the past. Taking control from someone who was controling me. And I never looked back.

    ashley @ http://www.thestorkandthebeanstalk.com

  19. Good for you, Drea. You posed an awesome question and look at the responses you have received. It has been so interesting reading what everyone has to say.

    That's the best part about life, no? Everyone has an opinion. Everyone has a different way of looking at things. Everyone believes in different things.

    Awesomeness, really.

    And, to top it off…nobody knows if they have the right answer. Is there a right answer? I don't know, but I bet if there was we would have heard about it by now and everyone would have adopted that as their answer. That's like a guaranteed 100% on a quiz or something of equal stellarness (totally not a word).

    Luckily we have the gift of discernment. Finding our own truths. Deciding what we believe.

    I like to call it "following our yes". Your yes sounds completely different from another person's "yes".

    But if we can all be pleased with our "yes's"…well, then. Doesn't that just sound peaceful and stuff? It would be, no doubt.

    Good luck finding your yes, Drea. Once you find even more of it than you have already you will be sitting on clouds for the rest of your days.

    Forget all this human stuff of scuttling around shuffling our feet on the earth, heads down, making sure we don't trip.

    Flying sounds a lot more fun to me, and we should be having fun, right?

    Anywho. Great discussion. All of you are fab. Especially Drea. Love the blog. Don't stop.

  20. A wonderful truthful story you just wrote.

    I've always wanted to go to a psychic, but in the past year I've been showing even more interst…my husband and I have been trying to conceive for a year and I desperately need to know whether a baby is in our future or not….I'm partly afraid to hear a truth that I don't want to hear though….

  21. there is a comfort in "next life time" reminds me of eryka badu…

    Marlowe will always have a good home as long as she has a solid you. you are her mama and you are the one who will be there for her. always and forever.


    p.s.- please get in your car and come visit me and Lily in Miami

  22. I think with the invention of having an 'open' or 'closed' mind, people like these psychics and what not are really catching us out.

    No one wants to be close minded, not at all, and just because you deal with facts and logic doesn't mean you're close minded. And I think that's where a lot of people trip up. They want meaning to their lives, they want answers and most of all they want someone else to provide them with answers. In comes the psychics.

    I don't normally comment on a lot of blogs…but I feel strongly about this. I think the best way to tell if someone is a fraud is if they charge you for a 'reading.' My friend got ripped off £40 which is about $80, for an hour of 'readings' with a psychic. If someone really had those abilities, why would they charge people money?

    I know it's not always about money. Sometimes people believe they have 'gifts' in psychic abilities. I believe if anyone has these gifts that they'd only have them for good, not just to turn a profit. Like if someone could predict and stop 9/11 or something like that. Then I would believe in psychic ability.

    I believe in spirits, because I believe in an after life and I also believe some people can talk to spirits…but again, only with purpose. I also believe in revelation, but through proper authority. I guess revelation is close in it's description to so-called psychic ability, but it has a time, place and purpose. Psychic abilities never do. And that's why I think most psychics are con-artists. Although it has to be said that a lot of them might truly believe in their own abilities and fall into that trap, too.


    You should watch this video, his whole website has totally opened my eyes and reassures me that I won't be conned by these people.

  23. Drea dear,

    There are TWO forces at work warring against you: evil and good. Both have power. This is why the psychic could "see" into you and give you insights that seem to be truth. However, evil comes and masks himself as truth, light and direction. There is only one TRUTH. That is the Eternal GOD who created and designed YOU Drea for a purpose so far greater than being a partner, mother, daughter etc. The purpose is to be God's child, to find your salvation from the SIN (ANY wrongdoing) in God's bearer of truth, his son JESUS CHRIST.
    In my life as a born again Christian I have found healing of an eating disorder, a peace deep within my heart when i had lived in fear for many years, reconciled relationships that were in complete turmoil, freedom from the fear of DEATH and the afterlife…the list could go on! I truly believe people (ALEX, YOU, ANYONE ELSE) can change, but the only real change can come from the very one who CREATED us! GOD ALONE.
    Drea, I believe without a doubt that you can experience direction and peace in God. Call on the name of JESUS Drea and know that HE WILL ANSWER. I challenge you to do it! If you have any questions I would love to answer them…i'm not perfect and don't know everything but i know what God has done in my life and i can't NOT share it.

  24. ok…seriously. I need to go see a therapist! Girl..our stories are WAY TOO similar. The constant coming and going. Unable to let go. THERAPY. We went to ONE appointment and he gave up…

    Ugh…this is too much…

  25. maybe you'll meet that "third person" tonight. either way, have fun.

    i do believe things happen for a reason.

    i have never visited a psychic and don't plan on visiting one. maybe because i am afraid of what they'll say…i dunno. plus, i have a terrible poker face.

  26. I just want to ask, what is so wrong with having a split home? If it comes down to two happy, healthy homes…versus one home where there is an unhealthy dynamic between the parents…a father who comes and goes…and instability, than maybe it is not the worst thing in the world. I chose to move out of the apartment I shared with my daughter's father who, as I've shared with you had many serious issues. I'd rather have my daughter with me, living a happy, healthy, stable life…and visiting with her dad…than the alternative. Also, I'm a public educator of young people and have met so many young people who have grown up in divorced homes and are perfectly well-adjusted and awesome. You should not put that road block up so soon in the game. Just worth a thought…Wishing good things and that everything works out for the greater good of all involved. Hugs, Cyndy

  27. I believe in psychics, mediums, in the paranormal etc. I have gone to psychics before. Some were dead wrong, but there is 1 that I trust. She has told me things that I'd say "yeah…okay" with the most sarcasm in my voice, but then weeks, months, years later whatever she said would happen the same way that she said it, and I'd be like, damn. I was wrong, she was so right. It's fun to go, but I don't let it really determine how I will do things. Because it is us who make our realities. The people around us affect our realities. If that makes any sense. Oh! And I believe in past lives as well. I think that we are all energy, and evergy never really dies. Our bodies do, but not our energy. Anyway, good luck with everything and have fun with your friends, and your mom!

  28. No, I don't believe in psychics or fortune tellers. They are just people with good intuition. They can infer our fears and desires from hints. Some people I know have seen them and they've been dead wrong (to predict the gender/info of babies they were expecting).

    What they say plays into your sub-conscious. For instance, she mentioned that you may meet someone knew and now you're going out tonight with friends. You can't tell me at the back of your mind that you're not searching/trying to meet that new someone she "predicted" 😉 It's like a self fulfilling prophecy. If you tell someone something enough, they will make it happen for themselves.

  29. Reading this – you a normal person with a critical mind and intelligent having an experience like that gives me the chills. I have wondered about things like past lives… but then usually dismiss the idea of it.

  30. This is the first time I've been to your blog and it won't be my last.
    I really enjoy the frank nature with which you write.
    I couldn't take my eyes off this particular story because I have a really good friend who was in a similar situation.
    She's been to the same psychic over several years and been told that the man she is with is not the right one.
    I hope this doesn't come across as too forward, and please know that it comes with the best possible intent:
    maybe some information is best left unknown.
    While I believe in mystical shit and would be intrigued with any type of insight into life,
    there are no guarantees when dealing with psychics. The damage (a preconceived notion?) could greatly effect the way you deal with situations in this realm/existence.
    Perhaps he is reading from the Man Handbook and detaches from time to time as a defense mechanism or maybe he feels he's too emotionally vulnerable? Who really understands men?
    Whatever it be, in the end, you have to choose whether or not he is the one for you, lumps and all…and that sometimes is the hardest thing to face.
    Hang in there sister. I'm rooting for you.

  31. @lil muse lily: first off… I missed your comments dear! For the first time ever, last month I found myself saying "maybe next life". There is a certain comfort in that, isn't there? If there is no way Alex and I work out… and no way Marlowe can have one home… then that sucks… but maybe next life.

    @mamabear13: oh mama brain… I wish you could remember the book name too! If I ever get a moment in this crazy life to read again (I was just saying yesterday how much I miss reading) I will absolutely look into it. Thank you thank you.

    @Kristina: I am very guilty of watching eternal sunshine over and over again. Especially in the rougher moments with Alex. It's one of the 5 movies I own. What you describe is much of what Alex and I have to do. Change the ways we react to each other… more trust more acceptance… I'm not sure if either is able to really put in the work without giving up. We are both guilty of pushing each other away. I go back and forth on the idea of whether people can change or not. I believe often times it's a case by case thing… depending on nature vs nurture. I believe it is in Alex's nature to be a good person, but the nurture side didn't fully develop the way it should. So I do believe it might be possible for change… that's only if someone REALLY wants it… and sadly, many times people dont. Thanks for all your words. I owe you <3

    @amber and scott: I like your thoughts.

    @amber weathers: I absolutely agree. I never stated otherwise. Even if past lives do exist, that doesn't mean that one should suffer in this current life. As I told heliotrope, suffering throughout this life is not an option for me. Not sure if he wants to grow and change, I imagine he does, but if he really does, then he would… or maybe he is trying? I don't know. I can't speak for Alex or what is going on through his head right now. Like I've said, even I'm in the dark… and just trying to work through everything and bring the stability to M that she needs.. with or without Alex in this house. Trying trying trying.

    @samantha rose: It's true. Without trust and commitment, a relationship is nothing. I wont say Alex has no heart, because I don't agree with that. It's just more complicated than that. Either way I'm not here to stand up for Alex, knowing very well what he has done in the past… and what he is currently doing but I'm not here to bash Alex either. Only he can really know (or try to know) what his thoughts and actions really are. It's true, I would never do many of the things he has done to me and M, but I am a very different person, and I react differently to fear than he does. I know your words come from a place a love, so if anything, thanks for that.

    @nikole taylor: Thank you 🙂

    @devinandali: I mentioned this to a commenter above, but I do agree about Marlowe… It's weird because most of me never wanted children or to be a mother… so much responsibility and so much work, but now, I do find comfort in the very bad times to think "well, if everything happens for a reason, then Marlowe is the reason"

    @cara: I question much of this too. I don't think I'll ever fully claim to be a believe in psychics. Because lets say there are really people who can see some sort of energy or future… I think it's safe to say that most cannot and more times than not it is a scam. But I like to keep the idea open of people who may be able to hold more abilities than others… because like anything else that isn't tangible or visible to the human eye, you never know.

    @heather: Yes, it's hard. Very hard. The last thing I (or Alex) want is Marlowe in a split home. I guess it is a matter of finding which option would be better for ALL OF US. <3

  32. @12 letters: You've got me confused a lot… mostly in good ways, but def. confused in general. What does Alex being a taurus mean to you? When I get a free moment I will read your post on oxytocin. I did read some of the others you sent me. And I watched the video on Fernidad (sp?)… even if it didn't relate too much, I enjoyed it.. I have a thing for old disney cartoons. Hopefully this year will be a year of highs. I'm always working on patience… especially lately 🙂

    @sara b: This is true. Life is difficult without stability… almost impossible. I do forgive and forget (maybe more often than I should) so I do hope that if one day he can bring stability to the table, I will be able to trust him again. I have faith I could. As far as another great love: I'm not so interested in that. Life is already too complicated for the psychic to be right about that one.

    @barefootandvintage: Seriously, way to be positive. Whenever things are really down between him and I, or anytime he has left before I find comfort in that thought. Instead of asking "why me" I try to think "for marlowe". Something so unplanned, so unexpected, and something so good that came out of everything.

    @desiree nielsen: It seems like SO MUCH work to really look into all of it, doesn't it? Maybe more work than it's worth… I think thats one of the reasons I tend to stay away for the mystics.

    @hannah rosengren: You know, I didn't even think about this when writing this post…. but I do believe in things of that nature. My mom and I have something similar to this quite frequently. I end up with the worst stomach pains, so does she. Sore nose? So does she? It's like a connection we have. Coincidentally enough, a woman went up to my mom one day and ask if she could tell my mom what she was seeing. My mom never went looking for this person or anything… she just had the urge to go up to my mom. The woman told my mother about past lives and such and also said that there is a connection between Alex and I…. past life struggles AND told my mom that she and I have been connected throughout past lives as sisters and such… and much more that I dont really remember.

    @S.M. It was here in south florida, not in massachusetts :/

    @nina v. + co: I do believe we are in control. And I do believe we choose our own path. absolutely. I don't think anyone else is in control of it… I believe no matter how much power with in you have, it's okay to question things every once in while, especially if it can relate so well. That doesn't mean you (or I… or anyone) have to live our life by it.

    @teeundschnaps… aw yes, the language barriers are always hard on the blog, right? I've always believed that too… they try to read your cues to see what you want to hear and then go on from there. Even today, I still think about the positioning of the chairs, or if there were mirrors in the room or how I could have led her to come up with many of the things she said… especially since the first thing out of her mouth, before I said anything was that Alex was always back and forth from me… and everything else. also the fact that the baby she described would look nothing like me other than brown hair… it's not curly, my eyes are not brown, and my lashes are short and bare. But oh well… we can still assume it was mostly coincidence and skill…. thats what I go by mostly anyway. Thanks for you words.

  33. @ascott7289: What more about Eric would you like to know? Past things? Or current things? Eric and I are still friends, we have no reason not to be. 😉

    @heather: never heard fate referred to as a proper noun. interesting 😉 Unsure if there are hidden forces, but I do def. believe we make our own path.

    @amanda M: VERY INTERESTING! And congratulations on your husbands sobriety. I can only image how tough something like that is to beat. Addiction, no matter what kind is hard. So glad you guys pulled through it.

    @Kara: thank you! I knew you were a religious one. I was actually wondering what the take of palm reading and such was for (obviously some but not all) believers in God.

    @Melissa: very interesting. I'm not sure how I feel. Part of me agrees and part of me doesn't. I've seen some of the best couples who don't have that simple sort of love but a complicated, sometimes turbulent love…. but of course: a working love. I hope no matter what, life becomes (or I make) life simpler soon.

    @rae: at the very least things like this make you wonder and question, which can sometimes be a good thing, right? I def. agree with your statements. As I was saying, in the beginning… the more we know ourselves, the better choices we can make to create our own working life path.

    @megan: i love the idea of writing a book… I've always wanted to… unfortunately I'd make a terrible novelist.

    @LMT: I actually grew up in a somewhat religious household. Religious enough for me to go to CCD after school and then when I was older, catholic school in high school. It's just never something that really spoke to me or that I can relate to. I find it hard to talk about religion in general because it can be very touchy to some. I believe to some extent that there is a force, and whether or not it is a God or just an inner spirit we humans and all living this have.. I'm not sure. I do fully and truly agree with your last statement. And I'm not saying yes and I'm not saying no to praying, but I have read each of your words (twice).

    @the haute housewife: I hope so too… and yes, absolutely no relationship can work without trust. Thank you dear 🙂

    @Anna: Sometimes I question whether or not I am a romantic. I think I would deny it if someone asked, but deep down I know I am. And I know I am a dreamer to the fullest extent. It's just in my nature.
    I am capable, but there are so many factors involved in this life. Thank you for your optimism 😉

    @helitrope tree house: You're absolutely right. Whether past or future lives exist, that doesn't mean one should be miserable in their current life. Don't worry, thats not an option. And I agree, Marlowe and I derserve the best, but as you know, Alex is in the picture for both Marlowe and myself… no matter if we are together or not. No one knows what is best… not yet anyway.. not until we really experience it. 🙂

    @omginindy: I never had that "the one" feeling with Alex, or anyone. But with Alex, even before we started dating I did feel a connection with him…. but maybe thats what people mean when they say "the one".. I def. don't know.

  34. Well, I went to a psychic (it was a fun birthday gift from a friend) just before I was about to move thousands of miles away with a boyfriend. and let me tell you..it was crazy what she let on to. She specifically said I was about to embark on an adventure and relocate! There is no way she could have known that! Also when I asked if "he" was the one she said it could "certanily feel that way". Well, we have been married 7 years and have to kids. So..before that day..did not buy it..since then..total believer! I hope Alex gets the help he needs so you can have the stable life you and your sweet girl so deserve!

  35. That's really intriguing that she described your feelings so well! Of course I wish you the best whether with Alex or not. I know how hard it is to feel no control in keeping the family a unit, and I know how heartbreaking and nearly impossible the idea is of potentially splitting time between parents feels. Its such a tricky and painful balance to need help/breaks to keep sanity but not need or want overnights and weekends and holidays etc to be when the breaks finally come. Only you know what can make you happy and peaceful and that's what Marlowe needs to have a healthy, happy, and stable world because you are her world!

  36. That's really intriguing that she described your feelings so well! Of course I wish you the best whether with Alex or not. I know how hard it is to feel no control in keeping the family a unit, and I know how heartbreaking and nearly impossible the idea is of potentially splitting time between parents feels. Its such a tricky and painful balance to need help/breaks to keep sanity but not need or want overnights and weekends and holidays etc to be when the breaks finally come. Only you know what can make you happy and peaceful and that's what Marlowe needs to have a healthy, happy, and stable world because you are her world!

  37. Personally I don't believe in physics – there is really no such thing as they can never tell us anything useful or give us information we can actually use, how is that a 'gift'?

    Sure this person told you all about yours and Alex's relationship – but what good does it do? Look up James Randi. If any of these people had real 'gifts' then they'd have $1mil in their back pockets for being right.

    You already told the psychic Alex's name and whether or not you think you gave off signals, you did. It's involuntary muscle reflex and we respond subconsciously to things people say and these con-artists, sorry 'psychics', can pick up on that.

    As you can tell this is something I feel very strongly about :). I used to believe in psychic powers and whatnot but then I decided, what good do these 'skills' do?

    As for the other things you discussed with this Ann – I really hope Alex finds some peace. And that you find peace with Alex. I had an ex boyfriend who was so happy one minute, then had doubts and left me the next. It's not fun. Our relationship was intense and he lied a lot, too.

    It still hurts me even though I haven't spoken to him in 3 years and have been married nearly the same amount of time.

  38. Wow! What an amazing post. I'm the same as you, when it comes to religion and things of that nature, I don't know what I believe. Reading this post has made me stop and wonder. I have a two month old daughter and I often wonder what I'm going to tell her when she reaches the age that she'll ask me what my beliefs are.

    Thank you for sharing this. I do believe you were men't to be a mother. Maybe the reason you and Alex were men't to be in each others lives was to create Marlowe. Marlowe will be a great person because of the mother she has.

    I hope you find peace soon. <3


  39. I believe in fate most certainly. The women on my mother's side all have psychic abilities that are 90% right. I also believe people come into our lives for many reasons. BUT it's what we decide to do with our relationships that map out our destiny.
    With my boyfriend for two years I always say that I've loved him in previous lives and that we've been struggling the whole time.
    We must decide to end it completely. Or find help.
    I hope that you decide what's best for you and M.

  40. Oh Dear Drea,
    I don't know how to put this but, I don't think Alex has what it takes to be the father of your child, your life partner, or a husband. If there isn't trust in a relationship there really can not be one. It's the most important and basic ingredient. Alex walked out on you three times when you were pregnant. Really try to take a step back and imagine doing that to someone, imagine doing that to the mother of your child…it's so disrespectful, it takes someone with really no heart at all, and it makes him the most untrustworthy person…not a very good candidate for a husband. He's going to spend the rest of his life doing this. Partly because it's obviously in his nature, and partly because he knows he can. When you say that you love each other I just don't think you understand. Try to imagine yourself being in the state of mind to do that to him, leaving and being okay with being gone from that person's life forever. It's horrible. Handcuffed is exactly right. But you can't ever be with someone and expect them to change. When you get engaged you have to accept the person as they are forever. Is this what you want for yourself and for Marlowe? You have to be the one to take off those handcuffs, because this is something that you both are partaking in.

    I don't believe that Alex is your soulmate. He's just cruel and will probably always be that way.

    You are so talented, and creative. Marlowe is so blessed to have you in her life and as her mother, and I know that you will attract suitors who are strong, committed, proud of you, and will want to love and cherish you and your daughter, but the universe will have hard time sending your true love your way when you are keeping that place blocked by keeping Alex around and wasting your time being engaged to him. I mean this in the most loving way, but I understand if you delete this post.

    Your faithful reader.

  41. Drea,

    First time commenting. I have been in similar situations, and my belief is somewhere in the realm of how you describe yours.
    I think Heliotrope Tree House said it the best. The BIGGEST point here seems to be not whether you have been together in the past or not, but rather what is here now. And you cannot control what or how Alex will respond to the now. You can only control your own piece. He has to want to change in the now, or it can't work for you and Marlowe. I'm sorry you are going through this…it is so hard to have someone you love so much affect your reality so deeply.
    You are a beautiful Mama,

  42. I believe very strongly in the power of the energy of the universe. We are a part of it, it is us, we breathe in unison with every particle since the big bang. I feel it every day, that unison of being. If you stop to really feel it, it's so strong, it's amazing.

    Ever since I was a little girl I've had a strong belief in astrology. That belief has only deepened as I've gotten older and educated myself on its deeper, more complex principles. To me, going hand in hand with the first paragraph above, if we are "all star stuff" — then how could we imagine that the movement of celestial bodies in the universe, the magnetism and all the energy trading states, WOULDN'T impact us? Plus — it just always makes sense to me when I delve into it.

    I've never really been to a psychic, but I used to read my own palm and others palms and do tarot readings, and I've definitely found value in both, even though I am not as versed in it as I am with astrology.

    Also: I adore everything 12 Letters has said!

  43. I'm religious and I believe in God. I believe what @Kara said…that some people do have a gifting to discern things going on in the spiritual. I believe God knows and sees all things and sometimes He gifts people with a tiny,little peek into that. 🙂

    I'm so so
    sorry you are going through all of this.
    I know what it's like to be caught up in an unhealthy pattern with someone that you just can't help but love…the love and hurt always at odds. Like in that movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind," no matter how much I tried, I couldn't forget him. We are happily married now, but that was after both of us underwent a lot of change. We had to learn new ways of reacting to each other and had to build trust in each other again. We had to forgive for past wounds and relearn new patterns for the future.

    I've seen a couple people comment on here saying that people can't change and that kind of makes me sad. I def. don't advocate being in an unhealthy pattern/relationship but I do believe people can change (they have to want to, of course.) I believe that counseling can be a really powerful tool, in helping us get to the roots of problems and helping us change behavior for the future. Or even as a objective third party role to help you decide if this is something worth fighting for and if both parties are willing to take the necessary steps towards change…of if it's not. I don't think anyone over the internet can tell you that one. Not that you are asking. But people will tell you anyways. 😉

    Whatever your path may be, you are supported and loved! and I wish you every happiness!

    <3 Kristina

  44. Hurt is perception. Happiness is perception. Normal is perception.

    Remove ego and fear from the situation (or all situations, ideally) and you might be surprised what your left with.

    Like I said, keep your head up. There is much beauty to be found right in front of your eyes.

    Even if your stubborn, bull of a man fails to see it time and time again.

    Maybe, just maybe, if you continue to see the joy, beauty, and love in everyday life (regardless of whether he is in or out of your life) – you just might attract even more of what you desire. Synchronicity is funny like that.

    Who knows? Maybe it's all there to begin with, you just need to open your eyes.

    Good idea getting out with friends and socializing. The fun never stops, you just need to know where to find it.

    Too bad, so sad if others chose to sit in their fecal matter for too long. They just might have to teach themselves how to change their own diaper. That's not your job.

    Life is funny, you might as well be laughing. What's the alternative, really?

  45. Totally a loaded story that you've already gotten a lot of feedback on but I'll weigh in too… I'm definitely not religious and I question spirituality too. Every question you asked, I've asked too. I personally choose to take each situation on it's own, no precedent on what I've believed previously.
    This could get me rambling pretty quickly so i'll stop now but I will say, you might want to look into past life regression. I read an amazing book on it once (I wish I had some semblance of a memory.., can't recall the name for the life of me) and I know a few people who have participated in it. Most notably, my cousin who was somewhat of a lost soul but post-past life regression, she's tapped into so many things about herself that are making her successful and confident in all aspects of her life. Whether it's real or she just needs it to be so, the transformation is amazing and wonderful.
    Good luck with all of this, I very much hope everything comes together. (and by the way, I love you and your blog)

  46. oh Drea, so many questions, so little answers….
    i have never been to a psychic but do believe that some people have channels more opened than others and can see/ feel things others have blocked.

    one thing i believe is that you shouldn't have to fight so hard for love. relationships are hard but shouldn't be impossible.
    i have fallen in love 3 different times. after the first i thought i never would again.
    my first love, i knew we were soul mates and we had been together before. it was so right, it was wrong and therefore it couldn't be. again. maybe in the next life time.

    i wish you happiness. for you and for Marlowe

  47. dear drea,
    i thought for a while if i should answer to this post (and am not quite sure if i understood everything in it proper sense – i´m from germany), but i just wanted to tell you something:
    i studied religious science, and i once had courses about all this "mystical shit".
    let me tell you one thing: i don´t belive in anything of this (astrology or palm reading), but what i KNOW is, that the technique whats working is, that they always try to find out what your WISH is, or encourage you in your already taken choices.
    i know how hard it could be to make a reliable decision when you really truly madly deeply love someone. but: when you are failing over and over again – and in particular: if you are HURT over and over again, you have to think over it again and again.

    do what makes you happy the most.
    don´t think about others – not even your daughter – just you. if you will be happy, she will be, too. also if that means she will not grow up in a conservative form of "family".

    it´s hard, but i know you are a strong woman.

    much love to your ,

  48. I believe that if someone shows you who they are believe them the first time.

    When all is said and all this ridiculousness is past you will say why did I waste so much time.

    We are the ultimate control of our own lives. Imagine if you never knew what that psychic had to say. You talk about power within? That *shit* should have just went in one ear and out the other.

  49. I just started beleiving in past lives after my father passed away. I'm wondering where you saw the psychic if you wouldn't mind sharing. I live in MA and I've only been to psychics that want your money.

  50. wow. what a post. I'm so glad you wrote about this experience. I also feel back and forth about the whole idea of spirituality and past lives and psychics…but I've had moments like yours when it just seems too intense to be a coincidence. for example, one night in my dorm room two states away from my family, I had this awful pain in my stomach. it was unbearable. I called my mom (at like 2 am) to ask if everything was all right. my grandmother had just been taken to the hospital. crazy right? maybe not. thanks so much for sharing such an honest story on here, really.

  51. I'm like you on the subject, back and forth, not sure what really to believe. I tend to live my life not really thinking too much into it all, but then I hear stories such as this from like minded normal people and I wonder if maybe I should invest more time looking into this Mystical Shit. thank you for sharing.

  52. my goodness, woman…you brought me to tears. this post is so intense. i can only imagine the emotions you are going through. i am a big believer in everything happens for a reason, fate, astrology. i'm an aquarius tho…so it's a given. i've thought about going to psychic, but i'm afraid. afraid that he or she will uncover me or something…afraid that i'll believe too much and live my life accordingly. isn't that weird? i guess i feel it in the depths of my soul that i'd learn something really sad and tragic about my life. geez…nothing like being positive, eh? so even though i think everything happens for a reason and that our paths are already set for us, i do believe we have the power to change direction… that being said, maybe alex was simply brought into your life to give you a deeper love than he can provide…marlowe. maybe it's time to let go – REALLY let go…and focus your heart and your soul on things/people that will make you feel whole again. i hope this is making sense. i have a tendency to ramble.

  53. Regardless of how connected or bonded you are to Alex, at the end of the day, he is not providing you the biggest thing you and Marlowe need – stability. And even if he is ever willing or able to offer that, will you be able put your faith and trust in him, given his track record?

    I do believe there is a great love ahead for you, and its not with Alex. You will find the passion you have with Alex and the stability you have with Eric in the person you are meant to be with. Don't settle for anything less. You are your daughter's role model and I'm certain you would be in agony watching her go through all the twists and turns you've been through with Alex.

  54. Well, that explains a LOT right there. As much as I follow astrology, there is so much more to it than that. Yes, past lives are real. We make our path. We need to enjoy our path regardless of the ups and downs.

    Not to sound overly cheesy and at risk of sounding like I'm trying to sell myself, I highly recommend reading some entries on my blog re: fear (ESPECIALLY important).

    You are on a very distinct path and you are making a breakthrough as we speak. The trick is to look for the signs (they really are ALL around you).

    Most importantly, read my post about oxytocin and embracing the present.

    Energy is of the utmost importance. That's why I follow astrology. The universe hits us with energy minute by minute, day by day. How do we control ourselves when the energy gets intense? The trick is to be one step ahead of the game. If there is ANY year you want to get a grasp on what that energy is doing, it is THIS year. Don't let this be a year of all time lows, it has the potential of bringing your every desire to fruition. This I know for sure.

    You got this, girl. Just keep your head up. And be patient with the ones you love most (…and that's coming from a self proclaimed impatient person).

    Much love.

  55. It's funny how life works, I had a "feeling" when I met my boyfriend he would be "the one" we have a daughter together, but are not married or engaged because we have so much else to work on before that happens. In my experience, we fight, say mean things, but always come back to eachother. I'm glad you are getting counseling (we have not), I hope that can help both of you for M's sake.

  56. @12 letters: I meant to write a bit about astrology. I don't typically read my horoscope or anything I maybe peek about once or twice a year out of curiosity… but I have found that the descriptions of the signs match up incredibly well with myself and the people around me.
    Alex is a taurus.

  57. I have consulted and been to many psychics. Only one was accurate, the others not so much. What I've come to believe is that "It is what it is." Does it really matter in this life, now…what happened in a past life? If he is lying now, he will continue to lie.Sounds very cycical to me. I don't mean to sound harsh. I just know from personal experience, when we feel desperate for control and for answers, we will grasp at anything. But I've learned that the facts are the facts. And that may be as simple as loving someone, but not being able to live with them or have a relationship with them. It happens often in this life. I know that my daughter's father and I love each other still, but because of his issues and the way they affect me…and the fact that I do not want to raise my daughter in a home with his issues alive and well(dysfunction), he and I live apart. I choose to keep distant from him. He will always be my daughter's father…and he has even said, "we are bonded forever." But he will not be in my life. Not this life. And that is all that matters to me. It is the only life I'm aware of in this precious, present moment. This is what I believe. Also, I believe in God, and I know that doesn't go over to well with the general population these days…but I pray, I believe it is all in God's hands. If it was meant to be it will be. If we only open our eyes and take an honest look…He shows us what we need to see. It is up to us to pay attention. Good Luck with everything. Remember, you can do it alone if you need to. Many of us do it every day. Men are the cherry on top. You have your daughter and your health. You don't need to accept an unhealthy man, who will negatively affect you and your daughter.

  58. Hi Drea, I've been lurking for a while but thought I should comment on this. SPOOKY!

    I believe in things we can't explain. And I am also a romantic and a fatalist (things happen for a reason). But, at the end of the day, you are in charge of your own life. No matter how "handcuffed" you are to someone, if he's a huge dickhead shmuck, then you really don't owe him a second chance. Or a ninth, or whichever chance you're on. I always thought love was about highs and lows and poetry and freaking out, but I am with an incredible man now who makes me happy, and appreciates me and loves me everyday—don't think you have to settle for less. You might love Alex, but fuck him for what he did, and continues to do, to you and your daughter.

    You've already proven that you are a strong, independent woman who can raise her child alone, in a steady, happy environment. You are capable.

  59. Wow – that story is crazy, and it's stories like that that make me believe in the "mystical shit."

    I really hope you're able to make a decision that is best for your family, and soon, because no one should have to struggle through what you've experienced for so long. No one ever knows what goes in a relationship besides the two people involved, so I don't feel that I can comment on your relationship with Alex, but I will say this:

    I've been with my husband for almost 7 years and of course we fight, and get mad, and yell at each other, and even occasionally walk out during an argument, but our arguments are NEVER about trust. I really think it's the most important tenet of any relationship, especially a marriage. If you don't trust each other, it will be very, very, very, very hard to live a lifetime together.

    Good luck, Drea! I'm thinking of you!

  60. wow, what a story. wow. I wish we all had the answers for you really, you seem like such a great person and mama that I really do wish with all your blog "friends" that we could band together and produce the perfect direction and answer for you. but this is something just you can experience and solve. For me, it is believing in God (as a father figure) who knows it all and has seen it all and more specifically, knows my needs and my desires perfectly. I believe in prayer and that those prayers/constant dialogue and most of times quiet and personal dialogue with him, are heard and that helps me feel at peace and it helps a lot if anything. but I do believe that God helps and leads and sends good gifts (or in your case the 3rd person, perhaps) our way as we ask or as we need or as we deserve or are ready for it. I pray, and wait for direction by way of good, safe things, good feelings, basically blessings that only he could give or know to give come my way. they come, you just keep praying. (its like the perfect relationship. you go to him, show him love and caring by taking the time to talk to him and include him in your life and he does the same by way of sending you peace, inspiration to help you through and just plain old blessings which means even giving you the clear answers sometimes) Since I go on believing God is a person just like me, only perfect, I never feel alone or feel like I can't figure something out or get through something. this is what I believe, strongly because I have tried and tested "our relationship" for quite sometime and in many instances. I'm sorry you have to go through this… but it is a good time, reason, excuse to start a relationship with God. (just an FYI, when I did this, I started going to church and that is where I met my husband 🙂 I send you a big hug and I hope you have some great time with your friends. you'll feel goodness and peace with them and that is what you should feel with the person you're going to marry, never confusion or worry, hurt or fear. I also believe love is easy and clear when it is shared in honest (and prayerful) mature-ness with the other. good luck with this time in your life. I hope you'll give praying a try.

  61. I hope eventually you can have your happy ending and hopefully counseling helps you and Alex.
    I personally don't know what to believe in all the mystical shit, sometimes I do and sometimes I don't.
    But reading this post made me think this story, your ups and down, lifetimes together, handcuffed together, would make a great fiction love novel. Maybe you should write it and make millions.

  62. wow. what an incredible story. I am kind of like you, I'm not sure what I believe. I want to be skeptical of things like that, but then you hear stories and it makes it hard to completely doubt it.
    I'm really sorry you are having to go through all this pain. I do feel like we have choices in this life. I don't think there is a predetermined path, and we can always choose which path we choose.

  63. Synchronisty I suppose in a light hearted way. If you really stop and pay attention to things in life then you can take them as signs and figure out what to do.

    There is the saying…a leopard cannot change it's spots. A person who lies will never stop lying, it is as simple as that. I had a friend in a similar situation…I said to her, you already know how the story ends in your heart, it it just a matter of getting there and moving on.

    When you write about Alex in blog posts you can feel the tension.You deserve to have all the love and happiness that there in this lifetime. When you meet the right person, life suddenly becomes simple. You won't feel an imbalance anymore.

  64. I am religious and I honestly think that there are people with gifts like that palm reader (we call them prophets in the church) that get discernment about people and can see things the rest of us can't.

    Your reader was so accurate, it would be hard for me to not believe it! It sounds like she was right about almost everything.

    I think all this back and forth with Alex just plain sucks. You and your baby girl deserve the VERY BEST in life. I am hoping that whatever that best life is, comes around soon. Hugs to you!

  65. I had my palm read once. I was a skeptic ~ until she hit on a few things that she had no way of knowing. And it wasn't vague ~ it was abrupt.

    * "You started your family at a very young age." {I was 16}

    * "You are with the person you are meant to be with, but his demons will try to break you. You will win." {My husband is now 4 and a half years sober ~ screw you demons!!}

    * And then she told me that I would have three kids. At the time, I only had 2 and had no plans of ever having another one. Once my husband got sober, I got pregnant ~ and I was faithfully taking my birth control.

    It totally freaked me out to the point that I will not go back to another one. Ever. Do I believe it? Oddly, yes, but it still scared me because I do live by my faith.

    I'm sorry for all your ups and downs.

  66. Mystical shit, indeed. I do beleive partly in past lives and future ones. I beleive our choices in those lives and this life effect our reality. I don't know if we have a choice in our destiny, I will always see the blind Fate, spinning her wheel, herself not knowing the outcome she will chose, the outcome that will so mold our path.

    I wish you luck in your current journey. I hope you and Alex are able to find peace, either together or apart. Even as Fate choses our paths, we choose how we walk down them. It may not all be up to us, but I beleive that some of it is. There must be some choice, some free will in this crazy world. In the end, you will do what is right for all three of you, whatever that may be.

  67. Wow. I got goosebumps reading about your meeting with Ann. Seriously.

    I'm like you, in that, I'm not religious at all. But I most definitely believe in past lives, future lives, etc. I've never gotten anything mystical done to me, but I think it'd be interesting to see what would happen anyway… I totally believe in bonds and destiny and that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes I just wish I knew WHY everything happened.

    But then again, I guess life wouldn't be the same if we weren't thrown off track every once in a while…

    I'd like to hear more about Eric, or just you and Eric in general. And another guy coming in your life?! Aahh. Crazy. I can't wait to hear more of your life updates, mama!

    You're beautiful and strong and will get through this!!

    Much love,

    Alisha xoxo