I’m not sure how many (if any) of you believe in psychics, or palm reading, or any of that other stuff. I know there are a lot of people who are into the idea of other worlds, seeing the future through cards, and other… you know, mystical things. For me, I really don’t know what to believe. I’m not really a religious person. I support religion, but I don’t think about it much. I’m not sure if I would call myself a spiritual person or not. I don’t meditate and I don’t often find myself feeling an overall connectedness to the earth, I mean sometimes I do, but it all seems a bit…. crunchy. I question if things happen for a reason, or if they just happen. Only recently has my mind wandered to places and topics of past lives and traveling souls. Even saying that, sounds so silly to me. For me, I focus mainly on the idea of the connectedness with oneself. Really getting past the surface to uncover ones unconscious mind… because only once we really know ourselves can we be the good (or bad) people we need to be in this world. Many thoughts I have relate to the idea of analytical psychology and the power of the unconscious. We have so much power deep within us, most of which will never be uncovered. I know myself pretty well… I know my good and I know my bad. Everyday I work on myself, wanting to know more, be better, and be stronger– the more I figure out myself, the better I am able to handle the world around me. Currently (okay, actually: always) I find myself needing to work on patience, but thats unrelated to this story. What does any of this really have to do with anything? I don’t know… it seems silly… a long rambling, crazy sounding intro into an even crazier story I have to tell. It’s just that, I know myself pretty well, but I find myself struggling with these ideas lately…. knowing what is real and what is not.
I went back and forth about the idea of visiting a psychic during my pregnancy (before I was showing) to see if they would tell me anything about a baby in the future. It would be my own personal joke or entertainment to see if they could come even a little bit close to the idea of an upcoming baby. I never actually went. I’m not sure how the idea came up again, but it was discussed between some friends and I, and we figured, well, why not? My friend Kristine (not really a believer in the mystics either) had mentioned she went once before in high school. The psychic, Ann, told her that she saw some numbers that would be significant for her. Ann gave Kristine her SAT scores, the exact results Kristine had received in the mail that very morning. Weird. We decided to make an appointment to see Ann.
Kristine went into the room first. She met me outside with the most stunned look on her face. Upon entering the room, even before sitting, Ann says to her: “There is so much energy around your lungs. I’m not sure why but there is a strong energy coming off of them”. Well, Kristine is my friend who had a double lung transplant a few years ago. Weird.
It was my turn next, I went in the room and sat down. Ann asks me what I would like to focus on. I tell her, “I’m not sure, just life in general, love, family, relationships”. She asks if I would like to know more about anyone and to give her names. I tell her: “Alex”. The first thing she says is, “He is always back and forth with you, isn’t he? He comes in your life and then he leaves you again.” Um, yes, obviously. She goes on to tell me more… “He goes through phases and cycles. At times he’s really up, and fighting to be with you, confident and so sure of what he wants… but then, there is the other side… his darker side. When his darker side comes out he closes himself to the world around him, he is no longer sure about what he wants, he causes hurt and feels hurt, and he pushes you away. He is unsteady. And he is moody.” She asks: “He has a Jewish mother, doesn’t he?” Yes, he does. She tells me how he loves me. There is no question of that. She tells me I love him too, and there is an attraction to him, but it is more than that: there is a connection there between us, there always has been. And it’s not just now, but Alex and I, we have been fighting for lifetimes to be together. Every lifetime for us, we have struggled and fought to be together, but there is always a crisis, an obstacle, something standing in our way. She says this will continue for us. She tells me, we can be together now and stay together. We can be incredibly happy together, but ONLY IF he gets help. If he doesn’t get help, he will continue to be back and forth and we will live a life of misery, again. She goes onto ask: “Is he trying to be with you now? Because if he isn’t, he will be very soon. Just wait for it, he’s about to be on a upswing. This one is going to be a big attempt”. She tells me: There will be an engagement. It will be soon. She sees, “A baby. A boy, with dark curly hair, big brown eyes, and dark, very long eyelashes.” She goes on to remind me again of his cycles, they will be there. We can be very happy together, but only if he can move past this. Okay.
I ask about Eric. She tells me, “Eric is as steady as the day is long, but you don’t love him the way you want to. There isn’t a question about whether you should be with Eric or Alex, you love Alex. But there will be a choice. There will be a third person. Someone new will come into your life and knock you off your feet. You will have immediate feelings for him, they will be very strong like the feelings you have for Alex. You will struggle to choose between the two.
I leave with more questions. How was everything so accurate and so exact? Yes he’s been trying, but a big attempt? That’s not Alex. An engagement? Alex would never propose to me so soon. He only started trying to prove himself again so recently. Would we really be together? Would he get help? Could the cycles really stop? They’ve been so constant in the past. The only constant—- besides the love. A baby? Does she mean Marlowe and her brown hair, dark brown eyes, and the longest eyelashes in existence? Or does she see another baby? A baby with curlier hair, that would look even more like Alex. Another guy? Impossible. I don’t meet anyone here. I don’t have the freedom to leave the house without a baby. I am home, responsible for my daughter 24/7. And Eric? She said so little. She cut to the point and dropped it instantly. Did I give off some vibes? How did she know? Did I keep a straight face? Of course I did. No emotions. No fidgeting. I sat steady in a chair with nothing to lead her with, right? And then the biggest question: Why am I questioning any of this? Am I believing a psychic? Questioning psychic claims? This is crazy, isn’t it? I tell myself: well, we will see what happens. I go to lunch.
After lunch, I drive home. As I am pulling up to my house I receive a phone call from Alex he tells me, “Go check your mail, there is a letter waiting for you”. I go inside and open my email. It’s the letter. It’s something he’s never done before. His big attempt. A letter to my whole family telling them he was going to prove to them and fight through everything to be with me again. He was sorry for his past mistakes and he was ready to right his wrongs. He had serious intentions with me and he would show us. A week later, I go up to Massachusetts. He surprises me. He proposes.
Here I am today, almost 5 months later, and another downward cycle is upon us. It is bringing pain to all parties involved. And once again I am left to question everything. Alex and I know very well that our relationship has problems. Him with the lies, and me, with my reaction to the lies. There is fear and there is insecurity in this home. One insecure and fearful of being truthful, the other living in fear and insecurity of what lie there will be to uncover next. It can’t be stable this way. Alex and I met at counseling today, it was the first time in days we saw each other or even really talked. After the appointment, we briefly discussed our relationship and what we would do. We talked about our reality, our fantasy, and our feelings. We love each other, we always have. We discussed how we would feel choosing to not be together, he tells me he has and will always love me. He makes the motion of a tie or bond between our chests and says “I’m handcuffed to you”. At first, I felt offended by his choice of words. “Handcuffed”. I would have preferred “tied”, “bonded”, “connected”, or anything else with a lesser negative connotation. But then, the more I thought about it, the more I agreed. “Handcuffed” fits, because very often it does feel like a punishment for us to love each other so much. Unable to make it work and neither one of us able to let go. There is an undeniable connection between us. Despite everything, it’s been constant and long lasting…. a force that keeps us coming back to one another. There is something tangible and visible to the eye that will be bonding us for life, our daughter, but there has been a bond between us, since the day we met, long before her existence. So now, as crazy as I feel and as crazy as it sounds, I find myself wondering about things such as souls and past and future lives. I wonder if there is even more to uncover or if this path and this lifetime is only what is in front of us in the here and now. Is there more? Or is it just mystical *shit*? Has it really been lifetimes that Alex and I have been fighting to be together? I don’t know, but more often than not, it feels that way.
What do you believe? Is there more? Have you had a similar experience? Do you believe in past and future lives? In fate and destiny? Does everything happen for a reason? Do you even bother to question it? Do you believe only what is tangible? Do you believe in a set a path for yourself? Do you choose your own path or is it chosen for you? Are there spirits? Have you been to a psychic? Was it a joke? Have you had your palm read? Do you read cards? Astrology? Signs? Do you believe in the power of the unconscious? Or is it all just mystical *shit* to you?
For me, I don’t know, but my mom is in town and so I am on my way out tonight. I’m going to take every opportunity to enjoy some time with my friends, because I know that soon these times will be few and far between, when it is me: with zero freedom, the only one responsible around the clock, raising my daughter alone, again.
Cheers friends, tell me what you believe.