Dear diary, 

I’m uncomfortable and I don’t know what to do. Well, maybe I do. I’m not sure. 

Let’s go with a heart on the table good ole’ diary blog post, yeah?

So, I’m struggling a bit. With this space. Online. In real life. In all the places. Last year I came to realize that one of the biggest driving factors in my own happiness was being true to what I wanted and what felt right. (Why I ended up in Costa Rcia alone). I mean, that’s a peace-definer for us all, isn’t it? Well, things don’t feel super aligned for me right now and I’m uncomfortable (and struggling) because of it. 

And so I’m shifting again.

There are a few layers to this puzzle. Not all of them are directly connected except for the fact that all these layers are directly in my everyday life. My health has been super weird again (I shared part of that already last week). And this giant, completely and totally life-changing move is happening— which is more of a “yay” except that it’s been 90 degrees inside our apartment and I had a fever all last week — which again, is more of another yay.  I know you’re probably asking how a fever could be a “yay”— but it is for me. After years of my immune system being so damaged that it couldn’t produce a fever— I’ll happily celebrate a fever— even in the midst of packing to move to another country in 90-degree chaos. Wow— that’s a laundry list of complaints from me, eh? (Or it’s three complaints listed in a multitude of ways, but still, I feel complain-y. Sorry). But maybe you’d be surprised to hear that one of my biggest struggles right now is with this space. 

I wasn’t sure how I’d feel about doing a members-only space as opposed to a public space. And part of me really loves the privacy I feel in this space. Like, I like the fact that all of you who choose to be here truly want to not only connect, but want to support our goals and ideas. And that feels so lovely. So so lovely. Like, truly peaceful. 

But there is room for improvement. (Always).

I still have a few matters within this space that I’d like to adjust. I’m just not sure what the best steps are. For one, as you guys are well aware, this isn’t a multi-billion, multi-person empire website. Nor will it ever be. Nor will I ever want it to be. (A million dollars would be cool to invest into trees, but other than that I don’t want it.) It is just me behind a screen. Sometimes Alex (for tech stuff, not blogging obviously), but not often. And I’m struggling to physically complete the vision I have in my head right now.

It’s like when you’re 9 years old and you see the most beautiful painting in your head— but when you collect all your art supplies and you try to bring it to life your dream falls short– right in front of your very eyes. You don’t have the skill or whatever it is you need to complete your vision– not yet anyway. And so you watch your tangible art in front of you fall short of the masterpiece you’ve created in your head. Do you know that feeling? I swear to you I have trauma from that feeling. I was a tortured artist at 10 years old. It’s a feeling that haunts my childhood over and over again. Except in this case—- I’m not sure if it’s a complete lack of skill. I think this situation falls more in line with lack of time, health and energy, and the overwhelming fear that I won’t be able to offer what I want to offer once we really start picking up and transitioning to this new life. We don’t even have a basic sink at the farm yet! Just a bucket and a spicket, haha.

Back to the basics.

But I guess that’s why my blog space always worked so well from the beginning— it was always so very grassroots— no big plan. It was real life, honesty, and a lot of writing, writing, writing. The readers and an income slowly, and organically grew in the process. But this new membership— while I wanted it, was a step bigger than I was maybe emotionally, physically, and financially ready for. Am I being too open and vulnerable here? I don’t know. I really don’t mind admitting that I feel like I’m falling short. I’m human. 

I have SO much I want to share and connect over, not in regards to just my own life, but to the whole world. But I’m finding that between my new hormonal health stuff and all the looming big projects we have in front of us and moving to an off-grid project in a rural neighborhood in a completely different country— well, I’m struggling to make this the space I’m envisioning. And I don’t want to fall short of the vision I have. I want this space and the people who support it to feel truly connected, feel they can gain, and leave with good feelings after visiting this space.

I’m struggling with the set cost of it. Whether the price is high or low for someone is totally and completely relative. What is money other than an energy exchange? And sometimes it flows and sometimes it doesn’t. I’ve received balanced feedback on two completely different ends of the spectrum. Some people saying I’m charging far too low a price while others are mad or offended I’ve put any sort of price on my private thoughts at all. It doesn’t offend me that people are put off by a private membership space— because honestly if I never sat on this side of the screen, I too would have no idea the hours of work that goes into a space like this. GUYS, IT’S HOURS AND HOURS OF WORK. 

But at the same time, money exchange fluctuates. I do understand how to some ten dollars can feel like extra pocket money to spend and sometimes the price just isn’t right for spending. I’ve personally had moments of both throughout my life.

So for now, I’m thinking of shifting again.

This space will remain private— I’m not sure if or when that will change. Never say never— it’s totally possible that I go back to being completely (or mostly completely) public again. But for now, I really want to keep this space mostly private. But I do want to shift to provide a variety of rate options. You choose what you can support right now. Maybe some months it’s 4$ while others it’s 60$ A karmic rate. I do believe energy flows and that we humans, for the most part, will try to offer what we can, when we can. 

I know I do anyway 😉 It’s not just my Spanish guilt, right? haha. I’m kidding.

I do believe that by nature we are all good-intending humans— it’s just between bad diet, toxins, hormones, stress, social conditioning, and unfortunate hardships that we get hard and sometimes, unfortunately, lose touch with our innate human kindness. And please don’t misread me and assume that more money = more kindness. That is NEVER the case. This is a karmic rate— what feels best. What can you offer to support the blog and our Paloma Sol project that does not put you under any hardship? Balance and good intentions are key.

I don’t know how this space will further change or evolve from here. 

All I know is I want to offer as much as I can and connect as much as I can within my current physical limitations. Even today— as I write this, the internet is out in our town again. We have another video ready to post (a long one!)— but I don’t know when we’ll have enough signal power to upload the video. Hashtag: San Pancho life. I don’t want to make promises and fall short. But I do want to be here and share. I want to document and share our Paloma Sol process and our family’s story as well. I want to share so much. I literally sit and read medical studies and journals for hours on end— and while it’s incredibly useful knowledge for me to gain for myself, it could and would be amazing to share more with those also searching for health answers.

And more than anything, I want to connect. I’m going to be living on a rural farm only accessible by boat, guys! I would love to have like-minded people share in our adventure and one day soon (I’m really crossing my fingers for a year’s timeframe) come visit our farm. 

So right now— the shift isn’t huge. Just something that works better with my accidental Buddhist mindset— a karmic rate. I’ll do my best to provide everything I can and more. And you support this blog space and our farm space however feels best for you. Okay? Deal? 

If you’ve already signed up for the initial rate and you’d like to change it, you can do so in the account section under “private content” — you can make changes at any time <3

I hope you guys are well in the world! If the internet works with us, I should have another video up this week! Fingers crossed. Thanks again for being here guys— and supporting us, in whatever capacity you can. No matter what that support looks like, we appreciate it so very much.

Love you,



PS. While you’re here— I also updated the ABOUT DREA page, created a new ABOUT OHDEARDREA page. And created a PALOMA SOL page too 😉

PPS. The pictures in this post are from the week Alex and I signed a lease for a restaurant space here in San Pancho. Two days later we found the farm. We then had to put everything into trusting our gut, releasing the reality that we just put down two major payments, and planned our trip to Guatemala. We were super excited for that project, but we knew the universe was giving us the opportunity to risk everything and take on something bigger 😉

Thanks again for being here guys! love you.

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